To be Nobody at all but yourself.....

I got to see blake this weekend. He came in from houston, which meant I also got to see daniel (it's been six years) and teh rest of the HSPVA crew. Me, Chris, Erich, Justin, and Courtney drove down to Orange together. Being around those kids brings me so much joy. There wasn't a minute I wasn't smiling or laughing. Well there was...when I was asleep in the car and snoring on the way home, but I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend the end of a rough week for me: in the company of good friends whom I love and who know and love me back. On the way back home from Courtney's in Burbank I heard the Cat Empire on the Radio!! Way to go Boys, moving into the US market. I will always be able to say I had a sweet night with the lead singer (no friends, nothing like that, check out the blog in june and you'll see what i mean.)




Saturday, Dara and I went to breakfast....something I missed doing since we used to go on random weekdays. Now with my job job it's not feasible, but I wa glad to take a morning walk and talk with my dear roomate. At hugo's we even got to see a little poodle dressed in a pumpkin costume.



In the evening Ellie picked me up with little chubs and we went to Dia de los Muertos at the Hollywood Forever cemetary. This was probably one of my favorite things I have done in LA. The whole cemetary had shrines and altars that people had built, I mean these amazing pieces of art. And there was Mexi-music everywhere and Mexi-food (we ate tamales and drank champurrado) and the lights were beautiful greens and reds and blues. It was beautiful.

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

And of course today, I got to spend time with Justin to talk about his film, a writers circle i will now be part of, and my play (which is coming along)

Yeah...I know..this blog is just a diary of my weekend, but I don't want to forget that in the midst of my craziness and frustrations with a schedule put on my life, I can find serenity and joy. I feel like a person again.

It's good to have a little moment.

The city was on fire. She looked around as she walked down her street and saw the blue and red and yellow and white fire peaking through the trees and bushes and thought how marvelous it looked, to have light bursting through the trees. She stopped when she passeed a black rod iron gate: the entrance to the garden stopped her and all she could do was stare at the dimly lit courtyard hidden behind shrubs and flowers and as she stood her ground she felt the earth beneath her feet, the first time she felt grounded in a while.

"It's been a while since I've been outside. What have I been locking myself up for? Money? Vain Sucess? An empty future."

The courtyard reminded her of the ones she'd pass when walking the streets of Spain. She remember how alive she felt when all life was about was people, and the relationships, and creation, and nature....and not will I get this job to get me this one to get me this one to get me a dress to wear to a party so people will like me to get me a man to have a good future where we buy nice things and then die saying well gee i worked hard but i wish i had gone to spain that one time.

She kept walking except this time there was a smile on her face, one that came from the inside out, instead of the grimace she holds all day sitting in front of the computer.

From that moment off, things seemed a bit better; a lot better.

I have no voice in california, but thats ok cause i am too free to belong.

You ever have a day when you feel like you are sucking at being a person? Yeah I have them, sometimes, i mean we're human right? We all have those days...and I am having a few....and i think it's good because in turn I'll be a fuller, more experienced and wiser person (like Madonna right?).

I mean in all areas too:
A friend just told me he no longer wanted to be my friend, because he was hurt since I told him I didn't want a relationship with him, so he made me into his enemy to make it easier and meanly told me he wanted me out of his life even though he has said before that he rather we be friends. Should I be flattered that I can affect someone so much? well i am not, I hate being the subject of negative energy in people.

At work, I have never felt so incapable. I mean I am learning a whole lot of information from scratch and at a fast pace and I don't feel I have been able to show good work, and on top of that I am being asked to give up a life I loved having, one that puts living before work, and I am constantly tryhing to negotiate that, so I feel lousy at not living my life and enriching it with things I need, and then at work it looks like I am only partly in the water because I am trying to negotiate both. I don't feel I am taking care of myself, and consequently both work and art are sufferring. Especially since my art has been put secondary.

Maybe I am too free spirited to have a job job. Maybe I need to find a way to just continue with my art.

I used to say, if there is reincarnation, then this is the first time my soul is a woman, because i find that I am in control and comfortable with general life issues except for the really girly issues, that drive me nuts, because I want to let them go, but instead they become issues.

Such as....

Spiritually....I am not listening to God. There used to be a time in my life when I was always aware of what Ein Sof was telling me and opening my eyes to, and life was beautiful. Why am I trying to control things on my own- I need to let it go, give it up. I want what the Kabbalists call Equanimity, Moderation, Knowledge, Lovingkindess.

Physically...Let's not even talk about my diet. And the lack of exercise.

Familiar....I am not loving my family like I should.

Cleanliness....failing, room is a mess again since I have bearly been home.

Politically...this yr i missed voter registration by a day. I can't vote this year. THAT sucks. It's major voting in CA this year.

And a few other more personal things I'd rather not list.

I can't wait to see my people on friday, though as always "something may come up" is the theme at work and my question always is, when does LIFE come up, and when does that get put before work when the work can get done in time if it was managed a bit better. Ay?

I need someone to tell me, hey, get over it. Your problems are farts in the universe. And the "Universe" loves you more than any person could. No really, I do. Because apparently telling myself has not been enough.

Home is where my books are....

Ben's mother flew me in to Minneapolis this past weekend to surprise him for his birthday. It was overall a good weekend, and I am glad I was able to spend more time with him before he takes off to the UN, and since we met at my MPLS goign away party and have only become good friends a traves de cyberspace.

When I first arrived, we drove by the new theater, the new Guthrie I mean; granted, it's hard to miss with its big blue panes and light sticks and that bridge portruding over the Mississippi River. I didn't want to look at it though for fear it would make me reconsider my decision to stay in LA for November/December. Turning my head to the Guthrie, however, would not be the only thing making me into a pillar of salt. After a morning nap, Ben and I headed to Barbette (one of my favorite cafes in the city). Barbette, like the rest of the city was just as I left it, complete with Chad my favorite way who is now sporting a mohawk. Though it feels like I have been in LA FOREVER, it felt like I had never left the cities.

The Twin Cities....
Living in LALA land had definitely given me a new perspective on teh city. People in Minnepolis, at least at Barbette, seemes more comfortable, as I watched groups of friends sharing brunch, girls unafraid to have messy hair and no makeup, a writer in the corner, and an overall feeling of "C'est la vie." Near the bathroom I picked up fliers for some of the shows in town....Matt Jenczzeski has got a show at the Southern, The Guthrie, Pillsbury, THe Jungle, Penumbra, Nautlis...so much theatre and dance and work beign produced.

At Barbette Nate met up with us, and he brought along his new Boyfriend who I happen to adore. he seems an almost perfect balance to his ethereal and free spirited nature. Later we had a bday dinner with Ben's family and friends at Azia(another one of my faves.) and then hung out at his place, drank wine, and smoked shisha(flavored tobacco, nothing legal, and mom it's filtered and contains no nicotine, i think you should try it.) Since BJ happens to be me and Ben's mutual friend(who knew?!) we saw him, and hung with a group of his brazilian lady friends...and then I got to meet Ben's friend Sean who I also adored (gee, meeting all these fabu-people and I dont even get to spend time with them...yeegods.)


A good day with good people. Which left me thinking.....see no matter how quirky or wierd or crazy my friends in the TC are...theyre all jsut wonderful people that I miss having in my life. And it seemed like the city was constantly creating, and moving, and growing, andlife was simple, and spontaneous and what have I done?

Sunday we had breakfast at another favorite -French Meadow- (see Glenn this is why I detox so often, all this eating out..) where Peter, Nate and Ben met us. Then we headed over to the Tea Garden to hang out, and there I got to see Christina (Tea Garden's managaer/owner) and Bach-DJ extraordinaire who also hooks me up with free tea.









There i looked down around my neck and noticed that my "thing", my heart and ket necklace, was ruined. I bought it right before I moved from MPLS as a symbol (lately I have a hard time wearing jewelry that doesnt mean something or have significance.) I bought is as a symbol, a reminder to myself that I had been too generous of spirit and that I needed to be more protective of my heart. SO looking down at the lacklucster charm I realized it was time to change it...it's significance was no more.

People would ask me- did someone buy that for you?does it mean you're taken? is that the key to your heart?

The truth is...no one has the key to my heart. I will never "belong" to anyone, and wearing that symbol around my neck apparaently made me....made the symbol so vulnerable, It implied my heart was a thing that could be taken. So with the company of Nate, Ben, and Ben...we headed to Patina and I bought a new one pictured below. Veyr similar only sans heart and key.

At the end of the weekend I realized what I missed about Minneapolis was really that it felt like home (well duh I lived there for five years) and places seemed so familiar and comforable, and I ran into people I knew everywhere. And that's it. Because in the end, though it was sad to leave my friends again, and Ben of course, I was happy to know I was returning to my little home in West hollywood. And I know that eventually this place will feel like home. But there was a time when Minneapolis was where I kept all my books. Now they are here, crowding our living room, but reminding me that I am starting life, er uh, continuing life here.

Happy Birthday Ben!

Slang something.....

Today driving home I was listening to the shins when the song adam loved came on and I hadnt heard it in a while, and for some reason his phone number popped in my head like it was part of the song, but i couldnt believe i would remember his phone number just like that after all this time, but I called it and it was him and I left him a message. We;ll see if I hear back from him. The one and only real ex...

I need to read all those articles Ben has sent me. I have not been in touch with the world.

I also had a lunch date with Jonathan this week. Very nice guy I met through one of Ellie's friends. But I am over with the looking.

You're gonna have to tilt yourhead.

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

One Margarita is all it took....I'm a cheap date...but not in that way.

Leaving the Breaking Ice Team behind at the little airport cafe, I was holding back tears- partly because I'd just eaten real TX BBQ brisket, but mostly because I waas leaving my friends again- really wonderful people who I miss and who inspire me.

Breaking Ice is a Pillsbury House Theatre company that I worked with in Mpls with which I have done some of my most fulfilling work. It's a company that continually challenges people and the artist. To explain the work we do is hard enough in person, so blog form is even worse, but because they travel to do shows, they asked me to join them again for a west coast/dallas tour performing a show I helped create. I of course jumped at the chance.

This time the company was a bit different, but a great group comprised of...

Ellen:who is also a dear friend, fellow artist, and co-member of Lighthouse Group Theater Company (A group I am still a part of though I moved away).

Kurt: One of the funniest people I know, who I also told I had a huge crush on him the night of my birthday (read May14's blog).

Jonas: My lovely boy, we went to acting school together, I took care of him one night in ER freshman year, and who is super successful young leading man at the Guthrie these days.
John: Who I met and worked with before but definitely got to know better on this trip, he kept me laughing the whole time and inspired me like dali cause he produces so mcuh work and takes so many risks.

Alex: A new member, but what a good soul.
Anton: The new super chill company manager

AND
Heidi: A great spirited director who is so accepting of the individual and who is constantly challenging the work.
Meeting up with them at first it felt like very little time had passed, I mean , yeah, I had a lot of catching up to do with folks (Ellen, in particular, as we like to share dating dramas.), but I was amazed at how much of the show i had retained. At rehearsal in Sacramento that first night I was overjoyed to be performing again. To warm up, rehearse, use my b ody and voice and creativity!

I MISS THAT SO MUCH; DONC, I NEED TO PRODUCE WORK.

We were also hooked up with awesome hotels every night, though Ellen and me were let down by the Bathroom goodies.

Sunday night we ate at Hamburger Mary's and then hung out in Ellen's room where John took polaroids of us with his facy polaroid camera (pictures up soon).

The next day the performance was good- not at its best- but good.
Highlights:
We started the "jam" so slow that Ellens aid her phrase "Thousands of possibilities..." so slowly Kurt thought she had cracked.

Alex not knowing what scene was next so he moved a chair and stood at the back of Kurt and Ellen's scene leaving people to wonder what a black man was doing in their kitchen.

Me sitting in the sidelines, checked out, so I didn't realize the scene had ended even though there was a 30 sec long pregnant pause where people were wiating for my line.

Ah Well...

On to Los Angeles.

At brunch I sat with Jonas. (And ate liek 5 mini croissants.) It was the first time in a while I sat with someone and had an engaging conversation about politics, life, art. I mean with many LA-ers I have the usual, "yeah Bush sucks, whats up with the country conevrsation....insert headline here....including the big news that LA dogs can sniff out DVDs now to protect against pirating....

But jonas and i had an actual conversation. I miss those. Not because I get to hear myself speak or blah blah blah, but because I learn so much listening.

That night, at the Hyatt near Disneyland we had dinner nearby, real Mexican, so of course we were all gassy later in the night.

The next day we performed our most solid show. Perhaps thanks to Ellen's Haitian warmup which Jon did so well...no really Jon :-)

Unfortunatley that audience did not provide me and Ellen any men for us to choose as our pretend boyfriends.

At the airport...Ellen made me aware of something I knew and I am sure others were also aware of but had anyone else said anything I would've hit the defense button ASAP:

I have not been choosing guys...men...who treat me well.
I mean I guess Tony did(toowell), and Cleveland, and Adam and Taylor and Peter (btw these boys weren't all at the same time, we're talkign several years of dating.)
So i guess that statements not entirely true, I mean i date to figure out if a guy will work out and so far none have. SO I end it and thats why I havent had a relationship. Because why push something that won't work? right?

But I do think I have been movign too quickly into physical relationships. That's something I know is not in my character and I don't want it to be. I mean it happened recently with the TV guy (so now when I see him at work I try to forget anything ever happened.) But i had hoped and actually believed it would be more. But like Ellie and me discussed when she picked me up form the airport....guys here are strange. Tehy freak out over imaginary problems.

Well anyhoo...point is...I haven't met a guy in LA who has been suitable, or frankly, thats smart enough (and i have met a few.)

So funnily Ellen stuck an article in my French book whiel I was sleeping on the plane, the article being about how smart men in LA are really tired of the dumb actress/pretty type. My question is, where are these men and how do I find them?

Enough of that.

On our last night together we had dinner at a nice restaurant in Dallas where I had ONE Margarita and that's all it took to get me.... well too affect me. Afterall I had been detoxing, but apparently I was saying crazy things to Jon and Jonas. HAHA. The next day I felt sick. And consequently that BBQ at the airport made me feel even worse.



Here are some more funny moments....

Jon turning to Anton saying," You're black? I thought you were raggae."

Jon telling us about his ex with bad breath: Her breath smelled so bad my shit started to smell like it... because when we kissed we were sharing bacteria.

Jon saying: I'm gonna sleep like a Mexican Chili.

Jon using: Boom wak as his rhythm in the Jam.


Hahhaha that Jon.

I miss them already.

Perhaps I"ll see them soon...

les Petit moments

Last night at 1 am, Sam and I decided we were hungry so we took off to Bossa Nova where a fight broke out and police hurried in with rifles.

A 1.5 Hour drive turned into a 4 hour drive when I got lost driving out to Riverside to discuss music with Cleveland. But I did it and we're on our way to composing music to my play.

Punky Brewster (Soleil Moon Frye) was standing behind me at Pink Berry today.

In the elevator on Friday a man thought I was Persian.

If I don't leave soon, I am going to finish all the green m&ms.

Work was long today, not just because I was there forever but because I was in pain the first half of the day unable to do work or take medicine since i had been detoxing and medicine would only make it worse. In any case I scarfed down two bagels to fill my stomach so I could take advil, and now tonight I feel horrible, though earlier the advil helped quite a bit, as did Rhys's randy candy(the green m&ms ) he keep sin his office. You see, my uteris was on fire today ( i feel no shame in stating this), on fire, desiring a baby, as I told Ben earlier, but since I refuse to give it a baby, chocolate will suffice until the pain is gone.

Slowly I am becoming aware of the quirks of this city, that I was warned about, but was blind to because of all my excitement to disocover this city without holding on to any assumptions or presuppositions. The one quirk I was exposed to this week was how people in this city tend to make tiny little issues the end of the world, which consequently makes any other worse problem twice as big, so that the real world issues lose a place in the spectrum and are then forgotten about. At one point this week the fact that the coffee in the break room was not dark enough became a community issue, all while Korea is making nuclear plans with buddy countries. I love the people I work with. They always give me quirks to laugh about. Thanks to Ben, i am reminded of world issues while I am at work, so when I start thinking the fact that I didn't send an email will be the end of the world, he brings up articles that argue our f-in gov't will be instead. Thank goodness I keep a NYTimes Widget on the Mac as well, and have started listening to NPR since I haven't charged my iPod in months.

This weekend I get to see my Breaking Ice friends and I am SOOOOOOO excited to see them and spend time with them and perform with them again.

Today's my favorite number day.

Cara de Chancla number 3 is born.

There's a necklace that hangs around my neck that I bought as a symbol to nnot be so quick to give away my spirit, my heart, my self....and some how I'd ignored it for a while (perhaps I need to hang it in front of my eyes) and I have let myself once again get caught up in being overly hopeful to find companionship- not a serious relationship, not marraige, not ooh this feels good love- just a companion.

That said...Tv guy is out of the picture romantically...due to the fact that he does still have some growing up to do and I feel slightly disrespected by him for reasons I won't express. I need to focus on my creative journey again- so I am forcing myself to do the artist way, though I haven't written morning pages in days...and I am more than excited to see my Breaking Ice people next week, to actually be a performer again.

Ben told me not to write a blog about our weekend till he left, but I knew the stuff that came up today would end up taking over, but enough said about all that....here's more about my fabulous weekend with Ben! who came to visit me from Minneapolis.

Friday night.
Ben arrives. We eat a delicious meal at Bassa Nova. Here he is smiley after eating perfect plantains.


Saturday.
We wake up and have a great Urth cafe Breakfast, walk back down Melrose, and then drive up to American Apparrel where he buys the most obnoxious neon colored shirt (which you see me grimacing at below) and where I buy A hot pink dress which the gay salesman taught me to wear in eight different styles. Gotta love polyester cotton.

Then we head on over to the walk of fame and to Grauman's Chinese theatre where you can see all the cemented hands and feet. This did not excite Ben as much as I had hoped, so we got some Coffee Bean, tried to do some shopping and then took off. I got call Catherine Zeta by some random man on the street. On the Sta. Monica Promenade I got called J-lo. Whats all this about. Next we ran off to the La Brea Tarpits where we had a nice walk and sit in the sun, as picture la-bas.

Those Prada glasses are not mine, theyre Ben's.
Then we go home and get allll dressed up to go to Spago, Wolfgang Puck's Restaurant in Beverly Hills. It was the most amazing dinner I have had. Not to mention the free cookie plate we got in the end which included the best chocolate chip cookie i have ever had....thank you wolfgang. The whole night I decided to be called Bianca and I spoke in an accent which was a mix of French and Spanish. Ben indulged me. It was great. He even indulged me when I had my horrible this-dress-doesnt-fit-the-same-moment.

This is us miserably full afterward...



Sunday...
We had brunch in Venice with Lars and Courtney, but have no pics of that cause I forgot the came. However....It was a wonderful day in venice. AFter brunch we strolled through the farmer's market where there was a little french band playing (could my life be written like a screenplay any more than it is?) and then we came accross the planet blue sale, yikes for my wallet, and then headed towards the beach to lay out. The highlight was strolling down the boardwalk and seeing all the wild people like the man in a speedo collecting money, anti columbus day protesters, a video game set that had 76000 games like super mario bros and donkey kong for only 30 bucks which i almost bought. And most importantly the henna tatoo I have been wanting....pictured below.


And finally, as if we hadnt eaten enough....We went to Marrakesh with Dara, my roomate, and had a marvelous morroccan meal.



That last picture is of me and Gloria, stars of the short film Foreign Currency.

Y Colorinm, colorado, este cuento se ha acabado. tan tan.

Rome fell.

I was listening to NPR this morning and they had interviewed some Republicans in regard to what's happened with Foley and his naught chats with young paiges, and they said that no matter what he did, they will still vote republican, continuing to vote for their conservative representatives because what Foley did does not speak for the whole party.

Now weh, weh, weh weh wait.
If anyone sets the example of what it means to be a member of a party its our representatives(the ones with respectivd parties at least.) Their actions, and decisions are what define what it is to be identified by a party, whether we like it or not, (i mean if you don't like it dont claim a party....i don't most of the time.) And yeah, what they do in their personals lives is besides the point, after all I do think they made too big of a deal out of Clinton in comparison to what Bush has done without admonishment...but the republicans have been doing all sorts of crap this past term so if this Foley thing doesnt change their minds then what in the world has to happen! Already we've had, murder, war, racism, bribery, lies, cover ups, and now Bush wants tot take away fair trial from detainees, I mean c'mon! And no offense family who reads this, I love you too much but am still confused as how to smart bright people like you support a party like that. WHAT WILL IT TAKE!

Republicans used to stand for smaller government; looks like party priorities have shifted quite a bit.

The problem with meeting up with friends is that I eat incessantly.

I finally took a day to recover myself....It was simple and good, and filled with inspiration and good moments with friends. Cleaning my room, I mean realllly cleaning it out, always leaves me in a good place, sorta like a mini new years, where I can start all over, anew. And Dara and I had the best sorbet I have ever had in my life at Boule. I had the Rose Raspberry with the Venezuelan Rum and Chocolate. MMMM. I also went to Gloria's game party night ( I get sooo competitive during games... I mean it...I have never lost a game of RISK.) And then had some dinner with Dara, her friend Nadine, and Nadine's friends who's name escapes me- but he was very cute. :-)

Life is really beautiful at the moment. I am at a place where I am starting to create again, and think and breathe creatively, and really sense a connection to God at even the simplest moments in the day...and that brings me joy, confidence, and peace. The truth is....regardless of all the silly little things that happen in my life-like my uncertainty about Mr.TV, my lack of income, my lack of time for working out, or my stress at work....I am always in a place where I know in the bigger picture...everything is going to be okay. And if it's not- well, as in Kabbalist thought- the Universe is balancing out.

Adam and Ellie...Perfect couple or what? Their kids are going to be painfully beautiful.
Me and Ellie with Chubs, her new pup.
My clean room, with the new cover.
My apartment, for those of you who would like to see where I live.
Gloria and me at her little soiree.