Last night I went to Dia de Los Muertos at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary in Hollywood. I was alone for about 3 hours before my friends showed up, which allowed me to reflect on the occasion...and I didn't realize at the start, but a lot more.
Dia de Los Muertos is such a perfect "Mexican" tradition- the fusion of Catholic and native Mexican practices. Family or loved ones of the deceased return to their graves on the day of the dead and bring Marigolds and their favorite foods and Day of the Dead bread and share a meal in their honor, as well as sing songs and celebrate their lives. The popular saying of the holiday is that we have three deaths: 1. When our bodies cease to function. 2. When we're lowered into the ground. 3. When we are no longer remembered. Dia de los Muertos is the celebration and remembrance of those lost.
Now, at the Hollywood Cemetary there are probably very little Mexicans buried there, I might be wrong. But people build these huge altars and shrines to loved one, deceased artists, pets, Iraq war soldiers, grandparents, children...in honor of the dead while the Dia de los muertos parade dances around the premises and the three stages (two on ponds) play Mexican music and show traditional dancers allll night. I went last year too, and loved it. I just love my culture so much- that they celebrate the way they do, that there is an identity that identifies the people in it and is inherent in the music, dance, food, way of life, and celebrations.
Walking down the road, checking out the shrines, I began to get emotional (cry actually), realizing that it had been a while since I let myself go there. I thought of Chase and my Abuelita Mague, both who died this year, and how they deserve a shrine, a big one with Marigolds- Pink's hot dogs for Chase and pan de dulce for my great-grandmother. Walking over graves to get to the stages, I thought of how beautiful it must be to become the earth again. I want a green funeral, so that I can completely fuse with the soil and have marigolds grow out of my earth morphing flesh. How beautiful.
It was hard holding back the rush of tears in public. See, I think I never really allowed myself to mourn last Spring. Chase died a week before Lita, so that whole month of February instead of becoming overwhelmed by death, I respectfully moved on. I thought, if I live practicing the things they taught me....then they live on. And I suppose that is my shrine, my altar, to them.
All that thinking about mortality, led me to think about my life...what I am doing...what I am being remembered for....if I am leading the life I truly desire in my deepest parts. And it dawned on me that what the festival provided me, that I have been missing out here in LA, is a spiritual perspective on life, that used to dominate every move I made and now only serves as an ambience. I want that back! I want to be connected to my higher power every moment. I want to seek out joy and peace and goodness moment by moment. I want to have faith and peace again that I am being protected, that God is looking out for me-whatever that might mean.
No doubt that he is...I know he is...I am being blessed every day here in LA.
Last night- facing death, mortality, which such joy and beauty helped make me fearless again.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Words of Honey
Today I taught two drama classes of about 40 kids each.
AAAAAH!
I don't ever remember being so unfocused and rowdy. I remember going to drama class at age 8 (these were 3rd and 4th graders) and studying my lines when I played Watson in Crucible of Blood while doing "Kids On Stage." And I remember taking notes, and focusing on my breath, and making clever and imaginative choices. And most of all, listening to the teacher. I handled these rambuctous(spelling?) kids just fine, though I threw out all my deeper theater stuff early on and did the "Banana" exercise with them which they kept wanting to do. At times, I wished they were high schoolers and really comitted to making the sounds I asked them to make, and making a proper circle (why can't kids stand in a proper circle?).
I always though I was good with kids, I've taught them many times....Mission Possible....Youth Camp....Afterschool Program I helped create with American Leadership Forum....etc, but I doubted myself so much on the way home. Maybe I come off too agressive now. Maybe I expect too much. Have I grown out of my ability to teach children?
The wierd thing is they somehow get attached to me (sort of how cats come how love me though I am TERRIBLY allergic to them.) They walked out of the room asking me to come back next week(I was just a substitute teacher) and having them try to teach me to whistle and offer me their snacks.
Who knows. I particularly feel agressive today because last night a friend tried to make me accept a judgment he had of me, and I just wouldn't take it. This has happened twice now:
In conversation I say something like: See, I believe that once a show opens its no longer the directors play, it's the actors andthey arent necessarily doing what the director told them to, because in the end he/she can only do so much, they take it from there.
FRIEND: See, there you go...you always have a way fo putting words into my mouth when we're arguing.
ME: What do you mean?
FRIEND: I never said otherwise about directors.
ME: I never said you did, I was just telling you what I thought.
FRIEND: But you twist it so you put it in my mouth, when we're arguing.
ME: Uh, I wasn't arguing, I know you didn't say that, I was just telling you what I though.
FRIEND: But you're talking to me, which means that whatever you say was a reaction to what I say and I never said that.
MEL Uh, that's not always true, quit taking it personally.
FRIEND: I'm not taking it personally, you just need to realize what you always do in arguments and how you're not aware of how you manipulate things.
ME: We weren't arguing! I know you didn't say that! I was talking about my beliefs without it having to do with yoU! So if you take it personally it's not about me it's about you and Ihave NOTHING to do with that.
FRIEND: You just can't accept your part in this.
ME: I have no part.
FRIEND: I amjust trying to suggest something to you-
ME: That was not a suggestion, it was a judgment.
FRIEND: No, I was just giving you advice about what you should do-
ME: You? Because you're so wonderful? I have to go....
CLICK
I have no patience for irrational victim situations. But I drove home thinking, am I that agressive in my speak that someone can take something sooo personally without me having the intention?
It reminded me of the time with my ex boyfriend. We're sitting in a coffee shop and he's looking at a magazine and there are orchids on the cover. I say: Oh! I love orchids. How their pollinators match the specific flowers they pollinate, and how theyve evolved to even look and smell like the animals that pollinate them...and how.... BOYFRIEND SAYS DEFENSIVELY: Yeah I know. Okay. ME: Are you upset? BOYFRIEND: You don't have to talk to me like I don't know, I know that about orchids. ME: But I was just telling you I loved orchids.....(from them on I stopped talking about things I was passionate about because I was afraid he'd take it personal, that ended soon after.)
Apparently the kids dealt with it better than the adults. I'd say Be Quiet!! and they wouldn't. But then I would say, see this is what I think about theater....and a kid would say, but what about this and that....not omigod youre putting words into my mouth and treating me like an idiot.
There's an old testament verse, or maybe new, about making all your words like honey. Years ago I wrote that in a journal as one of my goals.....I still want to have soothing words of honey, a way of speak that is natural, sweet, thick, fluid, soothing, coating...But I can't control the taste buds that are tasting it.
AAAAAH!
I don't ever remember being so unfocused and rowdy. I remember going to drama class at age 8 (these were 3rd and 4th graders) and studying my lines when I played Watson in Crucible of Blood while doing "Kids On Stage." And I remember taking notes, and focusing on my breath, and making clever and imaginative choices. And most of all, listening to the teacher. I handled these rambuctous(spelling?) kids just fine, though I threw out all my deeper theater stuff early on and did the "Banana" exercise with them which they kept wanting to do. At times, I wished they were high schoolers and really comitted to making the sounds I asked them to make, and making a proper circle (why can't kids stand in a proper circle?).
I always though I was good with kids, I've taught them many times....Mission Possible....Youth Camp....Afterschool Program I helped create with American Leadership Forum....etc, but I doubted myself so much on the way home. Maybe I come off too agressive now. Maybe I expect too much. Have I grown out of my ability to teach children?
The wierd thing is they somehow get attached to me (sort of how cats come how love me though I am TERRIBLY allergic to them.) They walked out of the room asking me to come back next week(I was just a substitute teacher) and having them try to teach me to whistle and offer me their snacks.
Who knows. I particularly feel agressive today because last night a friend tried to make me accept a judgment he had of me, and I just wouldn't take it. This has happened twice now:
In conversation I say something like: See, I believe that once a show opens its no longer the directors play, it's the actors andthey arent necessarily doing what the director told them to, because in the end he/she can only do so much, they take it from there.
FRIEND: See, there you go...you always have a way fo putting words into my mouth when we're arguing.
ME: What do you mean?
FRIEND: I never said otherwise about directors.
ME: I never said you did, I was just telling you what I thought.
FRIEND: But you twist it so you put it in my mouth, when we're arguing.
ME: Uh, I wasn't arguing, I know you didn't say that, I was just telling you what I though.
FRIEND: But you're talking to me, which means that whatever you say was a reaction to what I say and I never said that.
MEL Uh, that's not always true, quit taking it personally.
FRIEND: I'm not taking it personally, you just need to realize what you always do in arguments and how you're not aware of how you manipulate things.
ME: We weren't arguing! I know you didn't say that! I was talking about my beliefs without it having to do with yoU! So if you take it personally it's not about me it's about you and Ihave NOTHING to do with that.
FRIEND: You just can't accept your part in this.
ME: I have no part.
FRIEND: I amjust trying to suggest something to you-
ME: That was not a suggestion, it was a judgment.
FRIEND: No, I was just giving you advice about what you should do-
ME: You? Because you're so wonderful? I have to go....
CLICK
I have no patience for irrational victim situations. But I drove home thinking, am I that agressive in my speak that someone can take something sooo personally without me having the intention?
It reminded me of the time with my ex boyfriend. We're sitting in a coffee shop and he's looking at a magazine and there are orchids on the cover. I say: Oh! I love orchids. How their pollinators match the specific flowers they pollinate, and how theyve evolved to even look and smell like the animals that pollinate them...and how.... BOYFRIEND SAYS DEFENSIVELY: Yeah I know. Okay. ME: Are you upset? BOYFRIEND: You don't have to talk to me like I don't know, I know that about orchids. ME: But I was just telling you I loved orchids.....(from them on I stopped talking about things I was passionate about because I was afraid he'd take it personal, that ended soon after.)
Apparently the kids dealt with it better than the adults. I'd say Be Quiet!! and they wouldn't. But then I would say, see this is what I think about theater....and a kid would say, but what about this and that....not omigod youre putting words into my mouth and treating me like an idiot.
There's an old testament verse, or maybe new, about making all your words like honey. Years ago I wrote that in a journal as one of my goals.....I still want to have soothing words of honey, a way of speak that is natural, sweet, thick, fluid, soothing, coating...But I can't control the taste buds that are tasting it.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Habits of a Highly Effective Teen
I've always been a pretty strange kid. In a good way, strange. More like a little adult, but obviously still a kid- and not like those kids that act like adults and it's annoying. More like, I was wierd because I wanted to be more kid like, and think thats what went wrong when i had my "gansta" phase in early middle school.
In High School, my father gave me a Franklin Planner. A very expensive planning system that if you commit yourself to you commit yourself to buying years of paper fillers. I had so much to do in High School, it was a great gift, and I actually found it very touching since my father had been using one for years. Soon, I became just as attached to it as he.
The next gift he gave me that year was the book "The Seven habits of Highly Effective teens." That's the teens version of the adult book by Sean Covey, who shortly after I graduated from high school merged with Franklin to form the Franklin Covey Planning System and life skills/time management company. I read that book thoroughly and practiced it's suggestions, living my life being pro-active, thinking in "win/win" and "sharpening my saw." One of the suggestions they give is to write a mission statement. A mission statement at 17!!!! Well, I did, and I found it today shuffling through some old stuff (I laminated it so I could keep in in my wallet), and here it is. How did it get here all the way from Houston by way of Minneapolis and parts of Europe??
Mission Statement 1999
To make sure God is the #1 aspect in my life and everything I do is for His glory; to not judge anyone or myself and take all mistakes as learning experiences; to work as hard as I can even when I feel like a failure; to respect everyone, myself, and my beliefs; to be kind to everyone and treat them as I want ot be treated; to be strong in my ideas and beliefs; to accept who I am and worth with it instead of dwelling on the negative; to think pro-actively; to listen to others and not caretake anyone; to not participate in anything that can be detrimental to me physically or spiritually; Accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and have the knowledge to know the difference; to not be centered on the material aspects of life; to stop putting myself down; to embrace my life and cherish it and the others in it; to Love God with all my heart sould and mind.
Since I have learned how to write better mission statements, and I realize the list is more a list of principles, but at the time it's what I thought of as a mission statement.
I cannot imagine trying to write one for my life right now, which is why I think it's time to do it.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Life happening, while I'm making other plans, doing other things.
You know I am busy when I don't blog.
Not just busy...this whole week they were replacing water pipes in my apartment, which means they turned of the water(including all day today). Which then means...I didn't shower a couple of days, which gave me an excuse not to work out, which made me feel worse on top of not being able to sleep because the entire contents of my closet had to be emptied on my bed, leaving me a small corner to half sleep on only to be woken up again early the next morning to the workers banging metal around and cutting chunks out of my wall.
Today, I had lunch at Prana(saw Courtney Cox with little Coco) and bought a dress and that made it all the better.
That and this morning I was further awakened by a call from my ex (first) boyfriend, whom I haven't spoken to in, oh perhaps two years. It was great to hear from him, but of course, strolling down memory lane made me start thinking about where I am , where I was, what I have become, why me, all that stuff...and put me in a mood. Now I am questioning if I should let myself be decidedly single for a while, like oh let says, at least two years....
Only that creepily accurate astrologist told me I was due for a relationship beginning Christmas eve. I'll be in the English countryside, perhaps I'll meet a nice man on the train. Or perhaps I'll fall in love with myself all over again and realize I need to be treating myself better. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll finally meet Ralph Fiennes on a not-so-Virgin airlines flight over there(just kidding mom and tias, Ill be busy with the large selection of movies and flashy lighting.).
Point is-there isn't any, but I wanted to say point is-you can't meet awesome people like Jimmy who owns Loteria at the Grove unless you get out and take a pointless walk on a crispy autumn day.
Not just busy...this whole week they were replacing water pipes in my apartment, which means they turned of the water(including all day today). Which then means...I didn't shower a couple of days, which gave me an excuse not to work out, which made me feel worse on top of not being able to sleep because the entire contents of my closet had to be emptied on my bed, leaving me a small corner to half sleep on only to be woken up again early the next morning to the workers banging metal around and cutting chunks out of my wall.
Today, I had lunch at Prana(saw Courtney Cox with little Coco) and bought a dress and that made it all the better.
That and this morning I was further awakened by a call from my ex (first) boyfriend, whom I haven't spoken to in, oh perhaps two years. It was great to hear from him, but of course, strolling down memory lane made me start thinking about where I am , where I was, what I have become, why me, all that stuff...and put me in a mood. Now I am questioning if I should let myself be decidedly single for a while, like oh let says, at least two years....
Only that creepily accurate astrologist told me I was due for a relationship beginning Christmas eve. I'll be in the English countryside, perhaps I'll meet a nice man on the train. Or perhaps I'll fall in love with myself all over again and realize I need to be treating myself better. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll finally meet Ralph Fiennes on a not-so-Virgin airlines flight over there(just kidding mom and tias, Ill be busy with the large selection of movies and flashy lighting.).
Point is-there isn't any, but I wanted to say point is-you can't meet awesome people like Jimmy who owns Loteria at the Grove unless you get out and take a pointless walk on a crispy autumn day.
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