"Tonight, Tonight, It all began tonight..."

My blog profile says I am in Accounting. I don't know why.

Today is the 50th Anniversary of the opening night of West Side Story on Broadway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you know me, you know I know every song, the lines, and some of the original Jerome Robbins Choreography.

Today I was listening to KPCC, and they had a show about the musical. While a composer dicussed the structure of Leonard Bernstein's music in the show I nearly cried. I am such a nerd.

Why do I love the musical so much? Maybe I was Rita Moreno in another life. Is it possible to have been someone even though they're still alive?

If not, then I was definitely Natalie Wood. Would explain my terrible fear of falling into water......

Show Me the Money

This past weekend I went out with Elena to one of the sexiest jazz shows I have ever seen in my life. There, when everyone was up front dancing, I was sitting in the booth looking around at everyone. In the darkness, not too far away I see a man staring at me. I can see in the shadows, that he is staring and smiling. I wave and smile back, sort of awkwardly. He comes over and say "What's your name?" I say"Claudia, what's yours?" He responds...."Cuba." I said, "Does that mean you dance like the Cubans?"

And that is how Claudia spent the evening dancing with Cuba Gooding Junior.

L. A.

Need some more yin in my yang

My father always emphasized balance to me growing up (someday I will write a book on everything he's taught me). So to come accross Macrobiotics as a lifestyle was a huge eye opener to me, allowing me to start sensing, noticing, perceiving the imbalances in my life.

Granted, Macrobiotics is a movement mainly associated with a diet lifetstyle, but it relies on Eastern principles, like the balance of Yin and Yang. I'll leave the specifics of macrobiotics for you to research...what I want to point out is how much it is making me aware of the Yin Yang forces coming to play socially.

Before I go on, I must say that when I began eating macrobiotically, I began feeling elated, fresh, energetic, more positive, aware, light, natural, at peace....dare I say....high (FYI I have never been "high" so I really don't know what that feels like...). So I am not putting all this stock into the principles without trial. I figure that if I applied it on a small scale and it made all the difference, then perhaps I should become aware of it more metaphysically (and actually my little macrobiotics book encourages that.) I recognize this logic does not always work, ie. what works quantum mechanically does not work the same on the universal level, but hey I'll give it a shot.

So, women are naturally Yin and men are naturally Yang. Yin is associated with expansion, softness, lightness, space, defensiveness and Yang is more contraction,hardness, heaviness, time, and agressiveness. Yeah, yeah, not all women are light, soft and defensive, but in general those are the attributes of male female. Then on top of that, one may be a more Yang female than others, and same reversal goes for men. The point it that in the world we find things that attract each other, opposite forces, and the universe is contstantly balancing itself out. (Which is why the environment is screaming HELP as we keep screwing with the balances.)

So, I do think I am a more Yang female than most. Realizing this made me finally understand why I kept attracting so many Yin males. And I think now I need to become more in touch with my Yin energy, not because I think Yangness is bad, or I am trying to deny myself of who I am, but I do feel a little of balance, and the principles behind macrobiotics also say extreme attracts extreme. So now I am understanding my pattern of attracting extremely Yin men.

I just want to be balances, and want someone balanced, and am hoping that by becoming more in touch with my softer, lighter, expansive qualities I can come to balance myself out for my own benefit.

I know there's such a thing as beauty expert, car expert, expert on macro economics. Is there such thing as a Life Expert, who in the same way as the other experts,doesn't necessarily know all the answers but is pretty darn good at perceiving, judging and taking action? If so....i want to be one.

Falling in Love.

Love and Fear. We all make decisions out of either Love or Fear. I have been trying to focus on the motivation behind my decisions of late, assessing whether I am acting out of Fear, because my first instinct is to declare that I am not....which is what made me suspicious.

This weekend I thought of my decision to not decide to be any one thing. I asked myself if it was because I was afraid of stability, being boring, being normal, being pidgeonholed.....I mentioned this question in an earlier blog. The answer was and is no. But then a new question came to mind....Do I not choose one career to follow because if I never choose then I can't fail at any? In other words, am I participating in self-sabotage....am I acting completely out of fear. I didn't even want to admit that this question came to mind for fear it might be true.

(At my party of Friday a girl said after looking around my place,"I know you're an artist but I can't tell what kind.")


Here was my retort to myself....If my daily goal, the goal that I have moment to moment in my life (which I value more) is to find joy and peace, then I can never fail, no matter what I do. And that is out of love.

So then this decision to not decide, well, it's not a big deal as long as I am making the moment to moment decisions that bring about Love, joy.

Here's the problem...fear is easier to fall into than love,unfortunately. Everything in this world is made to die, to deteriorate. We have to work at living, at loving, and going. So, it is easy to fall into the fear of failing, of not choosing, and forgetting the process of loving. Leading to a standstill or a retrogression. Which is a place I think I go to sometimes, those days that I am overwhelmed with the question "what am I doing with my life?"

Is it possible to "not choose" out of love? Isn't it true that sometimes we "choose" out of fear. Afterall, I have always said, being an artist is one of the few careers one must choose to be on a day to day basis, because it is not an easy road, or an easy career to fall into. On the other hand, years pass before a surgeon realizes she accidentally became her profession, because the steps she took were the ones she was supposed to take, or the safe way, or what others wanted for her.

I am choosing a tough life. But what a blessing! How much more joyous are joys when we have something to measure them up against.

The newest joy of my life...my new niece Olivia.


Olivia: Why, what would you?

Cesario: Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house,
Write loyal cantons of contemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night.
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossips of the air
Cry out Olivia!

-Twelfth Night, Shakespeare

Minnesota Must have Followed Me Here

I don't know if I want to say this, because I don't want those of you who dont know me to get a false impression of me, though perhaps it's not false, and since you've been reading you've probably already formed some impression, so you can decide whether the following is true or not.

I have been told, that I seem distant and cold....at least upon first impression.

This is rather interesting because my dad gives off the same impression...he's a gemini(he's really not like that) and I actually have gemini moon.

That's besides the point, especially if you don't believe in the affect of gravitional force between bodies...

So I've been pondering this one, since every time I bring it up to a friend or my new favorite boy Brian, they agree. Brian said when he first met me i was cold and distant and that's why he wasn't attracted to me, until I opened up. I told him, that's ok cause when i heard you were from LA I figured you were like the rest so I wasn't attracted (did this account for the coldness?).

Well, then i mentioned it to a group of Minnesoties....and they didn't immediately react to negate the fact, they listened ( I think may have thought of the proper answer) and said "You? heh, cold...?"

Last night I told Dan about this, and he said", yeah I can see that, but not in a bad way, the way you're taking it." He said, if you had a choice between a relationship and doing something to get ahead in work ,you'd choose the latter. You're just ambitious.

I thought, aha that's it. It's just that I am young, and know what i want. Is that so wrong?

Then today I thought about it and that can't be true. There have been many times when I knew I shouldve been in class, or working on something, but taking the time to be with a friend was more important so I shifted things, took more work on to be able to do so. Or how I am terribly busy these days, and it's a crucial point in my career....yet I still find time to hang with my favorite boy (though it seems he has less time than me).

I understand this is a European mentality. If you're on youre way to work and you run into someone on the street, you stop and greet them with no concern of hurrying to work or the "let'e get together soon! Call me!" Lines delivered in the US.

That's it. I must not be cold......i am just European!

Snow White and the little dog.

Yesterday, I almost asked Dara for a ride back to my place from Brunch. Something told me...nah...walk back. So I did. And on my way home I found a petit chien (little dog) who I named "Franklin" because that's the street where I found him. I did a double take as I saw a dog sitting in the center of the sidewalk, ahead of me, staring up as if it was waiting. I looked around. Who did it belong to? I asked around. Have you lost a dog? Have you seen this dog before? But it was no ones. So I let it follow me all the way home. And there...every time I stepped away it would whimper for me, and hug my leg when I wasnt giving him attention. I gave him water and had the neighbors give him meat (cause I'm vegan again), and got itchy, from it's fleas ( I didnt' let him inside). And then Gavin and Mark helped me take him to the shelter, where they put him in a cage :-(. I liked him, even though I have an extreme dislike of Chihuahuas. I'm glad I chose to walk home. Otherwise who would've found Franklin? Plus, I needed the Sun. I've got no color these days.

See What I mean....

For some reason, this week I've been referring to all my desires and passions as problems, as if they're a sickness taking over myself not allowing the true things I should be doing to come into fruition. Are all my "hobbies" distractions? Or is it just that I really do have a passion for the things I choose to spend my time on, and they're not hobbies at all, but the things that I take joy in.

Today, I looked up Argentine Tangoes on You Tube, since I am taking Argentine Tango class and I wanted to see what the real thing looks like. Watching the beautiful, sultry, simple, and elegant choreography of Gustavo and Jessica Hornos I thought to myself," I want to take lessons to the level of competing! I want to dance!"

The intricate tangles of thought patterns in my head led me to think of the women who say the same thing, the ones way into their careers and middle age who realize they aren't spending their lives doing something fulfilling, so they quit their job at the bank after a year of dance training and start competing. And I thought of myself, and how I don't feel unfulfilled and need a new hobby, but I strongly desire learning how to move my body with such grace, sensuality, and precision- to feel the joy of movement, and to share that with others who cannot do the same. And I though....well I don't want to waste time...I should do it now. Why not? I am taking lessons...why can't I have my job and dance too?

Perhaps because it will take more time away from writing, or reading....

In French, sometimes, to say "I need," you must say "J'ai envie de," Which literally might translate to- I have the desire to, I envy....That's the word I want to use for my need/desire to dance.

The other day I was asked..."What do you want to be? Do you want to become a playwright? And what are you doing to get there?" This person knew about my writing, btw. I answered "I already am a playwright. I don't need to wait till I grow up to become one."

Well...I already am a dancer...maybe not a prima ballerina at the Houston Ballet. maybe not a paid Flamenco Dancer at El Cid, or a video ho in a video (wait, I have been a dancing video ho in a video). But I dance. I have been doing it since I was 4. But I can't imagine that dancing in my ultimate calling and goal.

P/S Last night I was asked what I did...I said I was an actor. That made me feel uneasy. Brian jumped in and said...she's on the radio too. Thank goodness for the save.

Revamped

What is it that I do? What is my ultimate goal? I mean, do people actually like to answer these questions....or feel satisfied with the answers? I didn't until I started saying "I live life." or "I do a lot of things" or "My ultimate goal is to live the life I want." And I get the usual response of "Well you have to choose or want something..." And ofcourse.....I do...a lot of things....and that's how I live my life.

Some call it restless, others may call it scattered or unfocused, others say that I am still young and haven't figured out what I want; but those who actually know me know that those things don't seem to accurately describe me or the way I live. I know, I know, I am not the only one living like this. There are lots of people who choose the a-typical path of life. The one where you don't choose one career to follow forever, or where your career defines "what you do," or where an ultimate life goal is a thing far of in the future that you must strive for as opposed to the thing your strive for everyday. I know I am not the only one....but it's not common. Even among the people who think they live this way! Otherwise I wouldn't be asked all the time, what I do. Or questioned on how I can live my life the way I do.

Some say that perhaps my interest in such a wide range of subjects has to do with fear: of failing, of falling into stability, of choosing. Well, considering I don't ever fail (as I see my shortcomings as doors or steps to my next journey), and that I wouldn't mind getting a steady paycheck or finding the love of my life now, and that I do choose one path often and then feel as if though I am negating other parts of myself in the process...those things they say...well...pft. And as my taurean stubborness describes, I will be stubborn enough to knock down any other explanation of why I am the way I am, because I have spent the longest time with myself and would know.

It's different, and difficult, and unstable, and it's a way of life I want to uphold: who knows if it will work. That's why I am revamping this blog....to document my journal of this wierd, er uh, atypical life I lead, to figure out if it works or not, or what in the world my ultimate life goal is if it is really there to uncover. Not to put down any other person's way of life or decisions....but to figure out if the A-typical life is possible in such a traditional world.

I will keep a count of when I am asked one of those two questions I despise:

Today
Ultimate Goal:Asked once by noon.