Saturday, February 24, 2007

LIfe after death.

It feels like months since I first heard about Chase, and a whiel ago since my great grandmother passed and I went home ot be with my family, but I just got back in last night.

I am good now. No really great. Both those wonderful people taught me so much, and I am in a different place now, full of joy and gratitude, and I only wish the same for you.

Here are some shots of these past crazy weeks.
Andrew and I took a hike with a friend shortly after Chase's death. Runyon Canyon. I love big cities that have places of nature I can get lost in. Here's the view from the top.
Me and Sammantha at the Disney Soda Shop in Hollywood. After Chase's benefit show we went and had the huuug Mickey sunday, in his honor. We didnt finish it, but it was delicious.

Here it is.

Me and Llindsey at Gma's funeral.


The Vazquez Ladies.


Me and Baby Leah.

Me and Papi.


My best friend amanda and me at PF Chang's. Brian's taking the pic. I love this lady.


On the way to target in texas on Friday I saw this procession and realized it was the first day of the Houston Rodeo! The biggest one in the world!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Now, as if Chase wasn't enough...

I have just been informed that my great grandmother , Lita Mague, died tonight. She was verrrry old, and it was expected, but the lady lasted forever, until now. I love dher, and the look she'd get on her face when she saw me, so excited, and how she always asked abotu me, even tho it was when is claudia gettin gmarried...I loved that she knew me, and i love that I called her last sunday, righ tbefore i found out about chase actually.

Claudia

Saturday, February 17, 2007

My motto.

Today was Chase's Funeral in MN. I wish so much I couldve been there, but I wish even harder that I could just call him up to have lunch, like we had said the last time i saw him. Or that he'll call me, and monday when I go to ICAP it will be with him like I always imagined and not alone.

Chase's motto, Follow Your Bliss....was mine, because he inspired me to look into Joseph Campbell...and the whole while I was reading it I would talk to him about how excited the book made me, and he told me he loved the part about actors being like real life heros, and i told him i loved the part about actors being the shamans of society. That's the night we had pie after Nick's show, the night Chase bought me coffee and we ate someone's chocolates, and we talked till 4am on my couch even though I had to wake up early.

Until I find another, If I ever do...that will be my motto....and he helped me find it.

If you need one..."Follow your bliss" is a pretty good one.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Just in Case

Just in case you missed the show...MOM and DAD....here is the clip

Thursday, February 15, 2007

chas-in' my dreams...

Las night Ihad a dream about Chase. We went to the theater, the guthrie wierdly, and went to see edgardo mine, of all shows to see, and during the play i kept flirting with him, he told me i was coming on too strong. :-)

the rest o fthe dreams last night were wacky, me trying on a wedding dress and getgting fittied just in case. me in an imporv troop, and then me in the giant installation of a white wall outside where phosphorus from some animal was siped on us and we'd glow in the dark and reflect off the white wall.

there was also a part where a teachers water fountain flooeded in a room and we put cuckets to catch the water.

I don't want to yet....

I just can't. I can't go back to absolute normal yet. I don't want to. I want the rest of the world to know Chase is gone and that it matters. That we all need to pause, but I mean lost of people die right, lots of people who didnt have half the good life that Chase did, so it's kinda selfish to ask that of the world, but I feel a loss. He's goen from my life, and I feel that and that is real to me.

I can't write. I need to write, but I was writing the lead male role (the only real male role) in my beloved Trinidad, for Chase. Just two Sundays ago I told hiim at Brian's superbowl party....Chase I am still writing this part for you, we'll finally get to act together. I will continue to write that part for him....no one will be able to fill his part. I will honor him with my work...once I can start doign it again, because right now I can't. I can't write it, I dont' want to. Not yet. I don't want to confirm with creative ink that he is gone. I'll remember him writing here...but not like that.

I don't want life to be normal without him. He was my kindred spirit. I dont think he knew how big of a part he played in my life.

God Chase. How can you be gone? You're my family here. You're the reason I saw plays.

Who wouldve thought, years ago, that we'd be here, you a good friend, and now gone because of some stupid ass who thought he was okay to drive. Anybody else. why you? I just don't knwo. And I don't want the answer yet.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I am going to believe that when he tipped his hat to the camera when performing on letterman was for me :-)

So I texted him yesterday saying good luck on the show, give me a shout out yes? thinking that they tape in the morning to air at night,, doesn anyone know? do they tape the day before for the morning, I believe it's the mornign but now i have a terrible feeling its the day before, whatever, I am gonna believe the hat tipping was for me :-) and even if I find out its not, I wll believe it for fun

This Valentines, however, is not for my cat. It's for Chase.

Dara said it well, I iwll never be able to accept his death or get over it, but instead just learn to live with it remembering him. It's beenhelpful now that we've been around moreo people, and that we're planning a memorial service here in LA.

I can't help but think though of all the things i wanted to do with him yet, and tell him.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Follow Your Bliss











Last weekend, at my friend Brian's Birthday party, I stuck by my friend Chase's side the whole time. I mean he was really the only person i knew there, and I stuck by him the entire time until the end. At one point he asked me, like he often did either of a slice of pie or walking to the Grove, he asked," claudia, please tell me what this is all for. If this is all pointless and this earth is going on end, whats the point." I told him, as I Often did....well Chase there is no point, but thats why we have to live this life we're given to the fullest, and make it worth something while we're here."

My dear Chase, my wonderful boy, my dear friend Chase passed away this weekend when his car was hit on Saturday night by a drunk driver.

He wasn't finished. he just wasnt. He was one of the most talented actors I knew, so ambitious, so generous always helping everyone out, so kind. And he'd become my good friend since we both lived in LA. We'd spend hours talkign about everything because he was such a good listener and because he understood me, and I got him.

I remember when he used to walk we to class in college. Or how I taugh thim Cielito LIndo for the play he was in. Or the night he came out to Halloween and we had a cookie. or the time we went to the grove to see amovie and we ended up jsut walking around, talking, drinking lemonade, looking through picture books at borders.

We had so many plans. We wanted to do so many things, He had his own plans too of course. I had planned to go to acting class with him tonight, and though I'll still be going it will be without him, and instead will be to meet with his company to plan a memorial for him.

Once, that night we had pie in the middle of the night, he talked to me about Joseph Campbell. He was sooo inspired by this man. So because of him, I read his book, and that book has changed me in many ways. Chase always quoted Joseph Campbell. "Follow your bliss."

Chase. I will Follow m y bliss, in memory of you and how you inspired me in many ways to be who I am. Thank you.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

A Good Man and Honey Bees


Last night, I saw the documentary, An Unreasonable Man, the Ralph Nader documentary, which my friend Ellie had done everything for, including Production Coordinator and Production Assistant and Researcher...her first job out here in LA.

I recommend for everyone to see it when it releases in your hometown. No matter what preconceptions you have of the man, or come out with, it is truly a documentary that inspires progress, and reason, and resistance. It's a different point of view of what the media gives us of this incredible man who now I believe is the best "american" I know of.

So why is he called an unreasonable man?
Here's the quote it opens with:
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

-George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman (1903)
"Maxims for Revolutionists"

The way I am thinking of this next election is changing, as is my desire to throw myself into activism a little sooner. No president since before Reagan has remotely shown such a strong desire for reform and service to the American People as Ralph Nader. Afterall, he's the reason we have seatbelts, airbags, nutritional labels on foods, and countless other more important and significant laws that govern our safety and well being. Check out the documentary and then research and learn for yourself.

AND NOW A WORD ABOUT BEES

According to a news report I saw, Bees are mysteriously dying off. They called it something like colony-ocide something or other. SO they gave these little bees little bee autopsies to find out why thery were dying and it turns out they have a form of little Bee AIDS. They found traces of every disease that affects bees in the little dead bees, because their immune system cannot withstand disease now.

SO what? right? Honey bees are dying, they sting people, and honey is too sugary anyway for fat americans. Well it turns out Bees pollinate almost all the crops of produce we cosumer.....strawberries, cucumber, soybeans, corn, etc. and if those bees are not around to do so then those crops, and our produce supply will suffer.

Now they still don't know why the bees are more vulnerable to disease, but I want to speculate a bit. Not too long ago I was informed by a PHD friend of mine who studies this sort of thing that soon (soon in history of humans years) we will no longer have bananas, the bananas of the kind that we eat on a regular basis. The problem is the insecticides and the genetic modifications performed on the bananas...they have mutated them so much that eventually bananas will not be able to reproduce. I haven't heard of anyone trying to genetically modify bees, but I do believe the cause of the problem stems from the same party...US.

Our bad habits on this planet do no just concern car emissions, using non-aerosol hairspray, and recyclying cans....(though i owuldn't be surprised if what was killing th bees is trhe poisonous air we force them to live in now),Global Climate Change has already been corroborated, theres not doubt, but we are affecting our world on a smaller level, and if we don't start supporting the politicians and organizations that represent our concerns about our environment, and we don't start changing our lifestyles, sacrificing a little, for the sake of us and generations to come, not only will our kids not have enough bananas and produce to live by, but they'll be sufferring in a radically changed world and they'll only have their grandparents to blame.

Ok.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Un Secreto

Let's just say, don't be surprised if I am in New York next week...