chas-in' my dreams...

Las night Ihad a dream about Chase. We went to the theater, the guthrie wierdly, and went to see edgardo mine, of all shows to see, and during the play i kept flirting with him, he told me i was coming on too strong. :-)

the rest o fthe dreams last night were wacky, me trying on a wedding dress and getgting fittied just in case. me in an imporv troop, and then me in the giant installation of a white wall outside where phosphorus from some animal was siped on us and we'd glow in the dark and reflect off the white wall.

there was also a part where a teachers water fountain flooeded in a room and we put cuckets to catch the water.

I don't want to yet....

I just can't. I can't go back to absolute normal yet. I don't want to. I want the rest of the world to know Chase is gone and that it matters. That we all need to pause, but I mean lost of people die right, lots of people who didnt have half the good life that Chase did, so it's kinda selfish to ask that of the world, but I feel a loss. He's goen from my life, and I feel that and that is real to me.

I can't write. I need to write, but I was writing the lead male role (the only real male role) in my beloved Trinidad, for Chase. Just two Sundays ago I told hiim at Brian's superbowl party....Chase I am still writing this part for you, we'll finally get to act together. I will continue to write that part for him....no one will be able to fill his part. I will honor him with my work...once I can start doign it again, because right now I can't. I can't write it, I dont' want to. Not yet. I don't want to confirm with creative ink that he is gone. I'll remember him writing here...but not like that.

I don't want life to be normal without him. He was my kindred spirit. I dont think he knew how big of a part he played in my life.

God Chase. How can you be gone? You're my family here. You're the reason I saw plays.

Who wouldve thought, years ago, that we'd be here, you a good friend, and now gone because of some stupid ass who thought he was okay to drive. Anybody else. why you? I just don't knwo. And I don't want the answer yet.

I am going to believe that when he tipped his hat to the camera when performing on letterman was for me :-)

So I texted him yesterday saying good luck on the show, give me a shout out yes? thinking that they tape in the morning to air at night,, doesn anyone know? do they tape the day before for the morning, I believe it's the mornign but now i have a terrible feeling its the day before, whatever, I am gonna believe the hat tipping was for me :-) and even if I find out its not, I wll believe it for fun

This Valentines, however, is not for my cat. It's for Chase.

Dara said it well, I iwll never be able to accept his death or get over it, but instead just learn to live with it remembering him. It's beenhelpful now that we've been around moreo people, and that we're planning a memorial service here in LA.

I can't help but think though of all the things i wanted to do with him yet, and tell him.

Follow Your Bliss

Last weekend, at my friend Brian's Birthday party, I stuck by my friend Chase's side the whole time. I mean he was really the only person i knew there, and I stuck by him the entire time until the end. At one point he asked me, like he often did either of a slice of pie or walking to the Grove, he asked," claudia, please tell me what this is all for. If this is all pointless and this earth is going on end, whats the point." I told him, as I Often did....well Chase there is no point, but thats why we have to live this life we're given to the fullest, and make it worth something while we're here."

My dear Chase, my wonderful boy, my dear friend Chase passed away this weekend when his car was hit on Saturday night by a drunk driver.

He wasn't finished. he just wasnt. He was one of the most talented actors I knew, so ambitious, so generous always helping everyone out, so kind. And he'd become my good friend since we both lived in LA. We'd spend hours talkign about everything because he was such a good listener and because he understood me, and I got him.

I remember when he used to walk we to class in college. Or how I taugh thim Cielito LIndo for the play he was in. Or the night he came out to Halloween and we had a cookie. or the time we went to the grove to see amovie and we ended up jsut walking around, talking, drinking lemonade, looking through picture books at borders.

We had so many plans. We wanted to do so many things, He had his own plans too of course. I had planned to go to acting class with him tonight, and though I'll still be going it will be without him, and instead will be to meet with his company to plan a memorial for him.

Once, that night we had pie in the middle of the night, he talked to me about Joseph Campbell. He was sooo inspired by this man. So because of him, I read his book, and that book has changed me in many ways. Chase always quoted Joseph Campbell. "Follow your bliss."

Chase. I will Follow m y bliss, in memory of you and how you inspired me in many ways to be who I am. Thank you.

A Good Man and Honey Bees

Last night, I saw the documentary, An Unreasonable Man, the Ralph Nader documentary, which my friend Ellie had done everything for, including Production Coordinator and Production Assistant and Researcher...her first job out here in LA.

I recommend for everyone to see it when it releases in your hometown. No matter what preconceptions you have of the man, or come out with, it is truly a documentary that inspires progress, and reason, and resistance. It's a different point of view of what the media gives us of this incredible man who now I believe is the best "american" I know of.

So why is he called an unreasonable man?
Here's the quote it opens with:
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

-George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman (1903)
"Maxims for Revolutionists"

The way I am thinking of this next election is changing, as is my desire to throw myself into activism a little sooner. No president since before Reagan has remotely shown such a strong desire for reform and service to the American People as Ralph Nader. Afterall, he's the reason we have seatbelts, airbags, nutritional labels on foods, and countless other more important and significant laws that govern our safety and well being. Check out the documentary and then research and learn for yourself.

AND NOW A WORD ABOUT BEES

According to a news report I saw, Bees are mysteriously dying off. They called it something like colony-ocide something or other. SO they gave these little bees little bee autopsies to find out why thery were dying and it turns out they have a form of little Bee AIDS. They found traces of every disease that affects bees in the little dead bees, because their immune system cannot withstand disease now.

SO what? right? Honey bees are dying, they sting people, and honey is too sugary anyway for fat americans. Well it turns out Bees pollinate almost all the crops of produce we cosumer.....strawberries, cucumber, soybeans, corn, etc. and if those bees are not around to do so then those crops, and our produce supply will suffer.

Now they still don't know why the bees are more vulnerable to disease, but I want to speculate a bit. Not too long ago I was informed by a PHD friend of mine who studies this sort of thing that soon (soon in history of humans years) we will no longer have bananas, the bananas of the kind that we eat on a regular basis. The problem is the insecticides and the genetic modifications performed on the bananas...they have mutated them so much that eventually bananas will not be able to reproduce. I haven't heard of anyone trying to genetically modify bees, but I do believe the cause of the problem stems from the same party...US.

Our bad habits on this planet do no just concern car emissions, using non-aerosol hairspray, and recyclying cans....(though i owuldn't be surprised if what was killing th bees is trhe poisonous air we force them to live in now),Global Climate Change has already been corroborated, theres not doubt, but we are affecting our world on a smaller level, and if we don't start supporting the politicians and organizations that represent our concerns about our environment, and we don't start changing our lifestyles, sacrificing a little, for the sake of us and generations to come, not only will our kids not have enough bananas and produce to live by, but they'll be sufferring in a radically changed world and they'll only have their grandparents to blame.

Ok.

Un Secreto

Let's just say, don't be surprised if I am in New York next week...

Star Treatment

This is how unaffected I remain by this city, ok well maybe not by the city, maybe I am just clueless about these things.

Dara and me went to see notes on a Scandal, at the famous arclight, and around the corner there was a lot of noise. I turned to say, what in the world is going on over there, apparently it was a premiere and there were flashing lights and celebrities. Dara said, oh it's because I said so, which was having its premiere tonight. I blew it off thinking it was some random little film, until minutes later I walk inside and see that it was the very movie I had jus told Dara at home that I wanted to see! The one with mandy moore and Diane keaton! Shows how much I know.

Then leaving the theatre, some blonde girl was behind me and some man went up to her and almost bumped into me. I turned to her, coughing in sickness, and saw he was getting her autograph, in my head i thought, who's she supposed to be, she looks rather plain, she looked at me like "i know I am somebody," and i kept thinking i have no idea who you are. In french, I asked dara (the human IMDB) who she was and apparently she was on Desperate Housewives as Terri Hatcher's daughter. Hah. I would've never known.

Then we went to the Rite Aid. There, as I was coughing, came walking a celebrity and I told Dara once we hid back aorund the shaving cream isle that the guy from Wings was in the store, and at least i recognized him. She though I said Weeds, so when she saw who he was she thought i was even more clueless, especially since it turns out not only was he on wings, the sitcom, he's on studio 60! Leave it to me to recognize someone from a 1990s sitcom as opposed to the successful project they are currently working on! Then I said, yeah, I met him when his wife did a show at the Guthrie, but apparently that was the other guy from Wings.

Ah well.

Why my life has been apropo.

Let me further explain my last post.

I was just cast in a film where I play a sister, one who had a kid early on and is now this sorta stay at home chola mom, who is dealing with her career driven sister. I am writing a play about the way latino women are socialized to think abotu sex, family, motherhood, career and identity. When people ask me when I am getting married or when I will have kids I say, well my sister will before I do thats for sure. And finally, In San Jose I am playing the Bride in Blood Wedding, a story abotu what happens when you try ot deny the fate that has crossed you, a story about one's expectations about life and how they are changed and how we have to deal with them. In December I had a serious talk with my sis about HPV, and told her that the last thing she and I needed to do was to get pregnant. not just because my father is a public spiritual figure, but because we have a mother we can always go to, and because we know about respecting our bodies.

That said....I am going to be an aunt! My little sis is pregnant.

So, thank god we had a wonderful new york trip. I think it really solidified us as a family, and we need that support right now.


So....I will be knitting again. If anyone wants to start a knit club with me, I am for it.

Shaken World.

We spend our lives planning, and planning, and as someone once told me...it ends up that life is what happens when you're busy making plans. We spend our time imagining what we want our lives to be, what we expect, what we wish and hope for, but there's only so much one can do to make that happen. As much as I believe I am in control of my life, and what happens in it, and how the choices I make create my own experience, we are creatures living in a precarious world, where hurricanes happen, where death happens, where all sorts of things happen to shake us up and either move us stronger in the direction we were going in, or plant us on a completely different road.

These days more than ever, I am determined to take control of my life and at the same time open to letting it take me to the surprising places it does, but all I can do is my part, right?

It seems that everything that has been ocurring in my life has been so apropo. The short film I was just cast in. The play I am writing. The conversations i had in December. The wonderful trip I took with my family to New York. The answers I give to people who ask me when I am getting married. The role I am playing in San Jose. The plans I have been making....

I just wish the balance the Universe is causing wasn't so close to home....

Update, cause I don't have anything clever to say.

I was in Minneapolis last week.....
I will end by saying that I HATE the cold and will never move back there permanently, and begin by saying it was a wonderful trip being back.
I mean except for the time I was walking outside, crying cause it hurt, then crying even more cause my frozen tears were hurting my face.
Other than that, I was happy to be around creatives again, and our show's in the Lights Up Series were great this year.
One night the cast and me went out to a bar in downtown MInneapolis, and I looked around and though how comfortable and nice it was to be around people who reocgnized the significance of their work, who were comfortable with who they were, and who found joy in their current state. A different feeling from LA.
I didn't get to see evryone I wouldve liked, but I did get to see my lovely BFA's, including ELliot in one of our shows, and Jonas on the Guthrie Stage. And my prom date, Megan, who lent me a dress for Mike's Prom party.

Now I am back and taking improv classes with Second City...just you wait....I will be improv queen by the end of the week when we have our performance, and if you want a personal show...well...we'll talk.

I spoke to NEW TV guy today. This one really is a TV guy, as in he's actually on it. It was a alightly awkward conversation, but if he calls this week like he said he would, then we're going to hang out soon, which is good, because i like him.

Calorie Count.....

Tres bad. After a night at Chino Latino Happy Hour, with my lovely BFA's and french toast of the dead....I awoke to Elliot's crunchy cereal, a cookie at the coffee shop, and unecessarily filling dinner at Newsroom, and then an exhorbitant amount of cookies at the opening night reception....I think I may have cosumed enough calories for two days.

Not doing so well eh?

On a happier note....Von Rollo opened last night, and they were very solid, and very funny. I am very proud of their work. :-)

Little House on the frickin cold snow.

My toes are so cold, I want to stick them in my hot pot of tea here in the middle of Spyhouse. WHY, why did little Laura Ingles Wilder settle in such a cold place. WHY.

about 1300.

So I a, currently freezing my butt off in Minneapolis.....thats the only thing that gives em troubles about being here, otherwise it is wonderful to see my good friends, and to be part of the Light House Group's work, siince we open two shows this weekend. I miss creative kindred spirits. The moment I got in I was sewing costumes, taking notes on a run....I miss the live of constatn creation, but I love the new life I am creating in LA. Being here defnitely puts it in perspective.

I used to be like a mini celebrity here, always beign part of the buzz and getting noticed aroudn town for shows I did. This city has moved on, and so have I, but I love that I can always touch base with Light house.

I somehow always seem to find the frenchies. I am staying at this international house for a few days and i alreayd met the french guy.

So that you guys can keep me accoutnable to help reach my goals, I am going to post my calorie counts, and that way there's no lying, since my trainer has got me on a now strict 1200 calories per day. :-)

Ode to my friend.

SO I have been thinking about people I like ( because after hearing Gov. Arnolds speech kinda like him now.), and I thought about a certain person that I owe a shout out to, not because i feel obligated, but because I really haven't mentioned her enough to know hwo much I love her because, well, we're unfortunately far away.

Ode to my best friend Amanda.

I have known this girl since high school, at HSPVA, when every guy thought he wanted to marry her ( and they all still do). Aside from being smart, in law school, funny, beautiful, humble, caring, compassionate, and so many other things.....I trust her like family. I am thankful for how she is always there for me when I need her, and that she trusts me to be there for her to. I love that we can go days without talking btu it makes no difference beause she knows me more than people that see me everyday or even people i grew up with. She's one of the few that I can honestly saw I admire. And so much more. I am lucky to have her in my life. And though Kara in HS hated me saying that I thought my friendship with Amanda was meant to be, i really think it is.

I also love when she sticks oreos in her teeth and asks if she has anything in stuck in them, or how she speaks in a little voice to her dog (now I do it), or how she calls everything little (I do it now too), or that she may be a white girl but she's been adopted into the latinas and black, or that she can look so great in tshirt and jeans, or that she so forgiving, or , or or so much more....

I love you Amanda.

Children of Men

I saw Children of Men last night....now another favorite of the year. Go see this movie.

Aesthically: Beautiful. Great cinematography, and production design. Subtle, and perhaps the most realistic future movie Ihave seen. Scarily realistically.

Story: Strong plot that serves mainly as a vehicle for the message of the film.

Message: Message? Take from it what you will. There are many, and there is a theme, but if anything this film incited me with proactive fear, because I saw one possibilty of what could be and it seems all to real in light of current events: A world where immigrants are treated as criminals, a world where wealth is distributed so unfairly, a world where women cannot concieve! (all to real consider the rapid spread of HPV among girls ages 9-27 and above, which causes cervical cancer and also can cause infertility- TELL SOMEONE, this is not just an STD it is a contact virus, even little girls and nuns get it!), a world where life is not appreciated, a world where violence is accepted as common, a world over-regulated by government. Sound familiar?

2006 in Review (Copied from Rachel's bulletin)

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR
Alcohol....Ibanga, Peter MN, and Megan Bartle
Tea...Dana

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
Hmmm. My girls.

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - NEWEST FRIEND?
Lennis, my middle school friend who foudn me online two days before the New Year.

4) RECONNECT OF THE YEAR:
Justin Towery, not only did we reconnect but he got me my apartment.
Also, Justin Simien. After four years apart, we are back together and creating...

5) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
Moving to LA. Marta Solano and Anna in the Tropics.

6) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
My anxiety attacks of April and May.

7) BEST HOLIDAY?
My fabulous birthday party at Solera with my dear Minneapolis Friends.

8) YOUR SONG FOR 2006
Chan Chan, Buena Vista Social Club.

9) MOVIE FOR 2006?
Of course, the Science of Sleep.

10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINE's DAY WITH?
My Tea Garden Friends at Azia in Minneapolis. It was an anti-valentines night.

11) BEST RELATIONSHIP?
Um, in agreement with Rachel, the one I have with myself.

12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN
Costume... I don't need a costume....I am French....(I wore an accent.)

13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR?
Azia in Minneapolis, and Joey's in West Hollywood.

14) BOOK OF THE YEAR?
Power of Myth, Joseph Campbell.

15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
To stop seeing a certain someone. To move to LA.

16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
I got lots of plans, but ideally there will be more travelling.

17) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
All I have to say is.....Birthday night....big mistake.

18) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR?
Everwood.

19) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
Moving from the Midwest to the West.

20) BIGGEST DUMBASS AWARD?
Heheh. I can't say here....

21) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION?
I don't make these, I make resolutions and decisions as they come....

i did a lot of work last night, so I can procrastinate a bit

The Best Myspace Survey
* . . About You . . *
Eye Color::	Brown
Hair Color::	Black
Height::	5'3"
Favorite Color::	Green, but I love to wear red.
Screen Name::
Favorite Band::	Too many to name, but I will be seeing the Cat Empire soon!
Favorite Movie::	too many too, but I just saw the Good Shepherd and The Holiday and loved them both.
Favorite Show::	Hmmm, Everwood. And brother's and sisters. oh yeah and my guilty pleasures of Clean House and How Do I Look.
Your Car::	Grey '04 Passat.
Your Hometown::	Houston
Your Present Town::	WeHo
Your Crushes First Name::	Heh, I am not saying.
Your Grade::
Your Style::	inspired by the fashionistas on sex and the city
* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?:	Yes, you can see the Hollywood sign from here.
Kissed someone in the rain?:	How about the snow?...My ex Adam.
Danced in a public place?:	Yes, I started dancing when I was little, and sometimes i just burst into dance.
Smiled for no reason?:	Yes. all the time.
Laughed so hard you cried?:	Haha, yes.
Peed your pants after age 8?:	Hmmm. Sadly ...maybe.
Written a song?:	yes I used to all the time. Haven't lately.
Sang to someone for no reason?:	Yes. Infact, once it caused a break up.
Performed on a stage?:	All the time.
Talked to someone you don't know?:	I meet random people often.
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?:	And consequently I befriend them.
Made out in a theatre?:	Yes.
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?:	No! But I soooo want to.
Been in love?:	Not In love, but I have loved.
* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?:	Dara.
Tell you, I love you?:	Dad.
Kiss you?:	My parents.
Hug you?:	Dara.
Tell you BYE?:	Dara.
Write you a note?:	Laura S.
Take your photo?:	Me, at new years.
Call your cell phone?:	Lennis.
Buy you something?:	Dara bought me a great bracelet.
Go with you to the movies?:	Mom and Dad.
Sing to you?:	I can't recall.
Write a poem about you?:	Khary :-)
Text message you?:	Danny.
Touch you?:	Dara.
* . . What's the last . . *
Time you laughed?:	Earlier today.
Time you cried?:	Weeks ago.
Movie you watched?:	Dreamgirls.
Joke you told?:	I don't tell them, when I do theyre bad, so theyre not really jokes.
Song you've sang?:	Isn't this a lovely day....
Time you've looked at the clock?:	Just now.
Drink you've had?:	water.
Number you've dialed?:	i don't remember.
Book you've read?:	The Power of Myth.
Food you've eaten?:	A GREEAT salad.
Flavor of gum chewed?:	wintergreen.
Shoes you've worn?:	My runnign shoes.
Store you've been in?:	Bodhi Tree.
Thing you've said?:	It's cold.
* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?:	Nope.
Whistle?:	haha, but only by sucking not blowing.
Blow a bubble?:	On the way from teh airport with Cleveland.
Roll your tounge in a circle?:	I don't remember.
Cross your eyes?:	hahaah a long time ago.
Touch your tounge to your nose?:	I can't do that.
Dance?:	In my room.
Gleek?:
Stay up a whole night without sleep?:	last night I stayed up till reallll late.
Speak a different language?:	spanish and a little french.
Impersonate someone?:	earlier today i tried to impersonate a french accent
Prank call people?:	hahaha in middle school
Make a card pyramid?:	i don't think I ever have, what have I been doing with my life.
Cook anything?:	Today I baked Chevre.
* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i were a ...:	a rich man, yada yada yada yada dum.
I wish ...:	I had a TV/Film agent.
So many people don't know that ...:	I like my solitude.
I am ...:
My heart is ...:	really big, but Careful.
Take this survey | Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

It's 2007!

I am back in LA now, missing my family back in Texas, but very excited about throwing myself back into things because now that I am back I have to step it up.

It was a really good time home, probably the first in a while where we all got into some sorta unreasonable argument making me want my freedom again, instead things were great the whole time, and I began to miss my family before I'd even left. Even little Cachito. At church, during a little trivia game, my dad kept giving my mom the wrong answers so that when she would stand up confidently to announce them, he'd turn red laughing. Christina and I got to talk. Mom and me had a good dinner. And our trip to NYC was one of the best vacations we'd taken as a family. These are only some pictures, more will come later.

Here are some images from NY. Including dad being really silly.

Amol, a friend I met through Chase invited me out in NY to hang with his friends. See for yourself how fun it was. hahaha

Back in Houston, Amanda tried to make me and Lindsey and the boys Mexican breakfast and succeeded! Lindsey and me surprised her with an engagement dinner at the restuarant where she and Brian met.

And finally, Tia Bertha and Tio Arturo's Engagement New Years Party and New Years at the Bandas.

I came home feeling as if I had been gone forever. Dara got me a gift, a bracelet that says Trust Yourself...something I need to hear these days, which Amanda also told me before I left. And she doesn't know this, though now she will, but when she left I was looking at it and got emotional. She's the friend I have been looking for in LA, someone I can really talk to, and she's the first person in alooooong time I can actually live with. She's wonderful. All my friends are. I am thankful though that I have found a good one in this big city of tools. :-)

A downer.

Well...My father's home town, San Pedro, Garza Garcia, Monterrey, NL, Mexico, just got named the wealthiest, richest, something or other of Latin America. Which saddens me since most of the people I know in San Pedro are not.

And tonight, Sadam was hung. I was in the same mixed up place when Pinochet died weeks ago since I cannot rejoice in anyone's death (especially one allowed by the death penalty), but what is there to feel? Apathy? I suppose it's awful knowing thats someone's attitude towards you.

hmph.

My parents are payign for high speed internet but it doesnt even work.

I have been wanting to write, btu my parents don't have high speed internet, so it's difficult to upload pics. Consequnetly, I won't write about NY and abotu seeing my lovely ebst friends, and hwo LIndsey and me threw Amanda and Brian an engagement partey, until I have the pictures to prove it!

SO a few minor updates....
1. Dad and I started the Master Cleanser today, we're only doing it for three days, but he really wanted to detox, so I am supporting, and let me tell you, it's the first time I have done this thing and not gone hungry. I actually look forward to the little lemonades I drink all day long.
2. I saw The HOliday. It was precious and I am now in love with Jude Law. That is only in jest.
3. I got a call from the ladies at the White House Project this morning and then watching the ever inspirational Mr. Obama on the tely, and am wondering if it'sa sign.
4.Diedrich's, my favorite Houston coffee shop, has been bought out, so I have been using that as an excuse to not write since I have no writing location now (I am terribl abotu writing at home.)
5. I got in a fight with my sister's boyfriend. Let me tell you....I love, I am compassionate, I care, and I RARELY get upset enough to raise my voice at someone...btu when I do.....watch out, this Taurus has got some serious horns. Especially when it comes to people I love.
6.I am reading End of Faith, and I like it but Sam Harris draws some really loose conclusions, I hope he makes up for them. I am only at the beginning, but you'd expect more meticulous work from a PHD in Philosphy. Doesn't help that I just read power of myth.
7. hmm, i have no seven, but pics and more blogging to come.