Great Escape.

I always tell people I have the heart of a gypsy. I told that to my friend Andrew once and he told me he is sure my blood is of better class than that, but I don't mean gypsy in the steal your stuff, beg for money, throwing babies, kinda way. I meant it in the way that the world is my community and I can't help but move around in it.

Perhaps that's why I love that my job takes me all over the place, or that travel is always in my plans, often inevitably. San Jose isn't my ideal city....it's very residential, spread out, small, and the only organic food store i thirty minutes away, while there are about ten taco stands and mexican restaurants within blocks of my place, but I am loving the change in pace. The growing accustom to a new city. The understanding of the way of life of a new community ( was it really a surprise that there's only one gym in the whole city to work out in, guess I was a little used to LA).

What I am really loving is the break from feeling I always have to be DOING something. I mean, I can't audition here. I don't have to always look great or be on my networking game or be faced with the billboards of the girls taking my roles. I can just live. And that's okay, because everyone here is just living, and people here actually think it's honorable that I am a stage actor.

It's what I loved living in Toledo Spain, the town I miss more now that this Spanish play I'm working on keeps reminding me of it. Life was simple. I like existing in a space like this at least once a year....to remind myself how it feels so that I can perpetuate the feeling, the simple and grounded way of life, even in my big city.

Good thing about LA is that it's got great hikes, I'd been going a lot more lately to get away, meditate, pray. But the smog made it heard ot breathe. And though I felt like I was escaping, trendy girl hikers with theior mini dogs never failed to remind me that LA has suceeded in making nature a trendy spot.

I haven't hiked here in San Jose yet, but it is a great escape, spending four hours in a rehearsal room, rolling on the floor, breathing, dancing, speaking, acting, playing, and getting paid for it.

High Spirits.

Remember the necklace I bought last October? I lost it - somewhere in California on my drive to San Jose. I suppose it means it's time for a new symbol. This month has moved me to a different way of living and existence so I'm not surprised. I feel as if I am living on another level. In Judaism, its believed we're in a constant creation relationship with God. I really believe thats the plane I'm on. One where I have come to an understanding... and I'm inlove with this experience. So it makes sense that my little compass symbol is obselete now. And how fitting that I lost it in California.

Lately I've been allowing (er um encouraging) myself to accept again that it is completely possible for me to fulfill my desires as an artist and still run for office someday, or be involved politically somehow. So it's no wonder Dara and me were inspired to start something that will help to inform us more politically, as well as others. (more on this later!)

It is also no wonder that at the last minute, my accomodations were changed here in San Jose by the theater so that now I am living with the woman who was once vice mayor and is now some sort of city supervisor. I can't wait to pick her brain. Her son in law works with the theater I am here with, and she is a great supporter of the arts and latinas who want to run for office.

There are many people who already believe they are in control of their lives, but this experience of being in creation with something bigger than myself (I call it/he/she God, you may call it Infinite Mind, HIgher Power, you choose) - that's a special relationship that has elevated my goals and purpose and has been providing wondrous results.

Mainly it has opened my spirit to being connected to everythign around me, which makes life seem more ethereal than it's surface and empirical value. As I wrote once before, we are all vibrating strings emitting spirit music, and as we meet with each other and objects, we create shifts in the vibrations, individual songs when we affect each other. Can you imagine the music we'll make when we take the reins of the instrument inspired (literally breathed by, not manipulated) by the Big Mind!!

Life comprised by wonderful little moments.

Tonight on the way back from the gym a beautiful fluffy gray cat followed me home for about four blocks. It just kept following me, sometimes walking with me side by side, until one time when I was almost home I looked back and it had disappeared.

Hmm. Interesting. The cat follows me home and then I turn on the tv and al gore's giving his presentation..hmmm.coincidence.

Topher and me had a dance party in my living room on friday morning, and then friday night I went to his place where his roomates have a hardcore karaoke set up and he and I just took off singing the entire broadway Karaoke cds, with costumes dancing an all, pics to come soon.

Thursday night I went to see the Band the Mighty Regis Philbin at Molly Mollone's and there was this guy dancing like a crazy person, and watching him filled me so much joy at the sight of someone enjoying freedom of movement so much with no inhibition, it was wonderful to see him contrasted by everyone else settling for composure.

Friday afternoon me and Gloria just hung out at my place.

Saturday I had a date.....it was nice. :-)

Mario and me had icecream last week.

Nick helped me with my website on , well some night this past week. He makes me smile. He's so joyful and pleasant.

I miss my parents a whole lot though. i wish I could be with them at least once a week.

LIfe after death.

It feels like months since I first heard about Chase, and a whiel ago since my great grandmother passed and I went home ot be with my family, but I just got back in last night.

I am good now. No really great. Both those wonderful people taught me so much, and I am in a different place now, full of joy and gratitude, and I only wish the same for you.

Here are some shots of these past crazy weeks.
Andrew and I took a hike with a friend shortly after Chase's death. Runyon Canyon. I love big cities that have places of nature I can get lost in. Here's the view from the top.
Me and Sammantha at the Disney Soda Shop in Hollywood. After Chase's benefit show we went and had the huuug Mickey sunday, in his honor. We didnt finish it, but it was delicious.

Here it is.

Me and Llindsey at Gma's funeral.


The Vazquez Ladies.


Me and Baby Leah.

Me and Papi.


My best friend amanda and me at PF Chang's. Brian's taking the pic. I love this lady.


On the way to target in texas on Friday I saw this procession and realized it was the first day of the Houston Rodeo! The biggest one in the world!

Now, as if Chase wasn't enough...

I have just been informed that my great grandmother , Lita Mague, died tonight. She was verrrry old, and it was expected, but the lady lasted forever, until now. I love dher, and the look she'd get on her face when she saw me, so excited, and how she always asked abotu me, even tho it was when is claudia gettin gmarried...I loved that she knew me, and i love that I called her last sunday, righ tbefore i found out about chase actually.

Claudia

My motto.

Today was Chase's Funeral in MN. I wish so much I couldve been there, but I wish even harder that I could just call him up to have lunch, like we had said the last time i saw him. Or that he'll call me, and monday when I go to ICAP it will be with him like I always imagined and not alone.

Chase's motto, Follow Your Bliss....was mine, because he inspired me to look into Joseph Campbell...and the whole while I was reading it I would talk to him about how excited the book made me, and he told me he loved the part about actors being like real life heros, and i told him i loved the part about actors being the shamans of society. That's the night we had pie after Nick's show, the night Chase bought me coffee and we ate someone's chocolates, and we talked till 4am on my couch even though I had to wake up early.

Until I find another, If I ever do...that will be my motto....and he helped me find it.

If you need one..."Follow your bliss" is a pretty good one.

Just in Case

Just in case you missed the show...MOM and DAD....here is the clip

chas-in' my dreams...

Las night Ihad a dream about Chase. We went to the theater, the guthrie wierdly, and went to see edgardo mine, of all shows to see, and during the play i kept flirting with him, he told me i was coming on too strong. :-)

the rest o fthe dreams last night were wacky, me trying on a wedding dress and getgting fittied just in case. me in an imporv troop, and then me in the giant installation of a white wall outside where phosphorus from some animal was siped on us and we'd glow in the dark and reflect off the white wall.

there was also a part where a teachers water fountain flooeded in a room and we put cuckets to catch the water.

I don't want to yet....

I just can't. I can't go back to absolute normal yet. I don't want to. I want the rest of the world to know Chase is gone and that it matters. That we all need to pause, but I mean lost of people die right, lots of people who didnt have half the good life that Chase did, so it's kinda selfish to ask that of the world, but I feel a loss. He's goen from my life, and I feel that and that is real to me.

I can't write. I need to write, but I was writing the lead male role (the only real male role) in my beloved Trinidad, for Chase. Just two Sundays ago I told hiim at Brian's superbowl party....Chase I am still writing this part for you, we'll finally get to act together. I will continue to write that part for him....no one will be able to fill his part. I will honor him with my work...once I can start doign it again, because right now I can't. I can't write it, I dont' want to. Not yet. I don't want to confirm with creative ink that he is gone. I'll remember him writing here...but not like that.

I don't want life to be normal without him. He was my kindred spirit. I dont think he knew how big of a part he played in my life.

God Chase. How can you be gone? You're my family here. You're the reason I saw plays.

Who wouldve thought, years ago, that we'd be here, you a good friend, and now gone because of some stupid ass who thought he was okay to drive. Anybody else. why you? I just don't knwo. And I don't want the answer yet.

I am going to believe that when he tipped his hat to the camera when performing on letterman was for me :-)

So I texted him yesterday saying good luck on the show, give me a shout out yes? thinking that they tape in the morning to air at night,, doesn anyone know? do they tape the day before for the morning, I believe it's the mornign but now i have a terrible feeling its the day before, whatever, I am gonna believe the hat tipping was for me :-) and even if I find out its not, I wll believe it for fun

This Valentines, however, is not for my cat. It's for Chase.

Dara said it well, I iwll never be able to accept his death or get over it, but instead just learn to live with it remembering him. It's beenhelpful now that we've been around moreo people, and that we're planning a memorial service here in LA.

I can't help but think though of all the things i wanted to do with him yet, and tell him.

Follow Your Bliss

Last weekend, at my friend Brian's Birthday party, I stuck by my friend Chase's side the whole time. I mean he was really the only person i knew there, and I stuck by him the entire time until the end. At one point he asked me, like he often did either of a slice of pie or walking to the Grove, he asked," claudia, please tell me what this is all for. If this is all pointless and this earth is going on end, whats the point." I told him, as I Often did....well Chase there is no point, but thats why we have to live this life we're given to the fullest, and make it worth something while we're here."

My dear Chase, my wonderful boy, my dear friend Chase passed away this weekend when his car was hit on Saturday night by a drunk driver.

He wasn't finished. he just wasnt. He was one of the most talented actors I knew, so ambitious, so generous always helping everyone out, so kind. And he'd become my good friend since we both lived in LA. We'd spend hours talkign about everything because he was such a good listener and because he understood me, and I got him.

I remember when he used to walk we to class in college. Or how I taugh thim Cielito LIndo for the play he was in. Or the night he came out to Halloween and we had a cookie. or the time we went to the grove to see amovie and we ended up jsut walking around, talking, drinking lemonade, looking through picture books at borders.

We had so many plans. We wanted to do so many things, He had his own plans too of course. I had planned to go to acting class with him tonight, and though I'll still be going it will be without him, and instead will be to meet with his company to plan a memorial for him.

Once, that night we had pie in the middle of the night, he talked to me about Joseph Campbell. He was sooo inspired by this man. So because of him, I read his book, and that book has changed me in many ways. Chase always quoted Joseph Campbell. "Follow your bliss."

Chase. I will Follow m y bliss, in memory of you and how you inspired me in many ways to be who I am. Thank you.

A Good Man and Honey Bees

Last night, I saw the documentary, An Unreasonable Man, the Ralph Nader documentary, which my friend Ellie had done everything for, including Production Coordinator and Production Assistant and Researcher...her first job out here in LA.

I recommend for everyone to see it when it releases in your hometown. No matter what preconceptions you have of the man, or come out with, it is truly a documentary that inspires progress, and reason, and resistance. It's a different point of view of what the media gives us of this incredible man who now I believe is the best "american" I know of.

So why is he called an unreasonable man?
Here's the quote it opens with:
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

-George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman (1903)
"Maxims for Revolutionists"

The way I am thinking of this next election is changing, as is my desire to throw myself into activism a little sooner. No president since before Reagan has remotely shown such a strong desire for reform and service to the American People as Ralph Nader. Afterall, he's the reason we have seatbelts, airbags, nutritional labels on foods, and countless other more important and significant laws that govern our safety and well being. Check out the documentary and then research and learn for yourself.

AND NOW A WORD ABOUT BEES

According to a news report I saw, Bees are mysteriously dying off. They called it something like colony-ocide something or other. SO they gave these little bees little bee autopsies to find out why thery were dying and it turns out they have a form of little Bee AIDS. They found traces of every disease that affects bees in the little dead bees, because their immune system cannot withstand disease now.

SO what? right? Honey bees are dying, they sting people, and honey is too sugary anyway for fat americans. Well it turns out Bees pollinate almost all the crops of produce we cosumer.....strawberries, cucumber, soybeans, corn, etc. and if those bees are not around to do so then those crops, and our produce supply will suffer.

Now they still don't know why the bees are more vulnerable to disease, but I want to speculate a bit. Not too long ago I was informed by a PHD friend of mine who studies this sort of thing that soon (soon in history of humans years) we will no longer have bananas, the bananas of the kind that we eat on a regular basis. The problem is the insecticides and the genetic modifications performed on the bananas...they have mutated them so much that eventually bananas will not be able to reproduce. I haven't heard of anyone trying to genetically modify bees, but I do believe the cause of the problem stems from the same party...US.

Our bad habits on this planet do no just concern car emissions, using non-aerosol hairspray, and recyclying cans....(though i owuldn't be surprised if what was killing th bees is trhe poisonous air we force them to live in now),Global Climate Change has already been corroborated, theres not doubt, but we are affecting our world on a smaller level, and if we don't start supporting the politicians and organizations that represent our concerns about our environment, and we don't start changing our lifestyles, sacrificing a little, for the sake of us and generations to come, not only will our kids not have enough bananas and produce to live by, but they'll be sufferring in a radically changed world and they'll only have their grandparents to blame.

Ok.

Un Secreto

Let's just say, don't be surprised if I am in New York next week...

Star Treatment

This is how unaffected I remain by this city, ok well maybe not by the city, maybe I am just clueless about these things.

Dara and me went to see notes on a Scandal, at the famous arclight, and around the corner there was a lot of noise. I turned to say, what in the world is going on over there, apparently it was a premiere and there were flashing lights and celebrities. Dara said, oh it's because I said so, which was having its premiere tonight. I blew it off thinking it was some random little film, until minutes later I walk inside and see that it was the very movie I had jus told Dara at home that I wanted to see! The one with mandy moore and Diane keaton! Shows how much I know.

Then leaving the theatre, some blonde girl was behind me and some man went up to her and almost bumped into me. I turned to her, coughing in sickness, and saw he was getting her autograph, in my head i thought, who's she supposed to be, she looks rather plain, she looked at me like "i know I am somebody," and i kept thinking i have no idea who you are. In french, I asked dara (the human IMDB) who she was and apparently she was on Desperate Housewives as Terri Hatcher's daughter. Hah. I would've never known.

Then we went to the Rite Aid. There, as I was coughing, came walking a celebrity and I told Dara once we hid back aorund the shaving cream isle that the guy from Wings was in the store, and at least i recognized him. She though I said Weeds, so when she saw who he was she thought i was even more clueless, especially since it turns out not only was he on wings, the sitcom, he's on studio 60! Leave it to me to recognize someone from a 1990s sitcom as opposed to the successful project they are currently working on! Then I said, yeah, I met him when his wife did a show at the Guthrie, but apparently that was the other guy from Wings.

Ah well.

Why my life has been apropo.

Let me further explain my last post.

I was just cast in a film where I play a sister, one who had a kid early on and is now this sorta stay at home chola mom, who is dealing with her career driven sister. I am writing a play about the way latino women are socialized to think abotu sex, family, motherhood, career and identity. When people ask me when I am getting married or when I will have kids I say, well my sister will before I do thats for sure. And finally, In San Jose I am playing the Bride in Blood Wedding, a story abotu what happens when you try ot deny the fate that has crossed you, a story about one's expectations about life and how they are changed and how we have to deal with them. In December I had a serious talk with my sis about HPV, and told her that the last thing she and I needed to do was to get pregnant. not just because my father is a public spiritual figure, but because we have a mother we can always go to, and because we know about respecting our bodies.

That said....I am going to be an aunt! My little sis is pregnant.

So, thank god we had a wonderful new york trip. I think it really solidified us as a family, and we need that support right now.


So....I will be knitting again. If anyone wants to start a knit club with me, I am for it.

Shaken World.

We spend our lives planning, and planning, and as someone once told me...it ends up that life is what happens when you're busy making plans. We spend our time imagining what we want our lives to be, what we expect, what we wish and hope for, but there's only so much one can do to make that happen. As much as I believe I am in control of my life, and what happens in it, and how the choices I make create my own experience, we are creatures living in a precarious world, where hurricanes happen, where death happens, where all sorts of things happen to shake us up and either move us stronger in the direction we were going in, or plant us on a completely different road.

These days more than ever, I am determined to take control of my life and at the same time open to letting it take me to the surprising places it does, but all I can do is my part, right?

It seems that everything that has been ocurring in my life has been so apropo. The short film I was just cast in. The play I am writing. The conversations i had in December. The wonderful trip I took with my family to New York. The answers I give to people who ask me when I am getting married. The role I am playing in San Jose. The plans I have been making....

I just wish the balance the Universe is causing wasn't so close to home....

Update, cause I don't have anything clever to say.

I was in Minneapolis last week.....
I will end by saying that I HATE the cold and will never move back there permanently, and begin by saying it was a wonderful trip being back.
I mean except for the time I was walking outside, crying cause it hurt, then crying even more cause my frozen tears were hurting my face.
Other than that, I was happy to be around creatives again, and our show's in the Lights Up Series were great this year.
One night the cast and me went out to a bar in downtown MInneapolis, and I looked around and though how comfortable and nice it was to be around people who reocgnized the significance of their work, who were comfortable with who they were, and who found joy in their current state. A different feeling from LA.
I didn't get to see evryone I wouldve liked, but I did get to see my lovely BFA's, including ELliot in one of our shows, and Jonas on the Guthrie Stage. And my prom date, Megan, who lent me a dress for Mike's Prom party.

Now I am back and taking improv classes with Second City...just you wait....I will be improv queen by the end of the week when we have our performance, and if you want a personal show...well...we'll talk.

I spoke to NEW TV guy today. This one really is a TV guy, as in he's actually on it. It was a alightly awkward conversation, but if he calls this week like he said he would, then we're going to hang out soon, which is good, because i like him.

Calorie Count.....

Tres bad. After a night at Chino Latino Happy Hour, with my lovely BFA's and french toast of the dead....I awoke to Elliot's crunchy cereal, a cookie at the coffee shop, and unecessarily filling dinner at Newsroom, and then an exhorbitant amount of cookies at the opening night reception....I think I may have cosumed enough calories for two days.

Not doing so well eh?

On a happier note....Von Rollo opened last night, and they were very solid, and very funny. I am very proud of their work. :-)

Little House on the frickin cold snow.

My toes are so cold, I want to stick them in my hot pot of tea here in the middle of Spyhouse. WHY, why did little Laura Ingles Wilder settle in such a cold place. WHY.

about 1300.

So I a, currently freezing my butt off in Minneapolis.....thats the only thing that gives em troubles about being here, otherwise it is wonderful to see my good friends, and to be part of the Light House Group's work, siince we open two shows this weekend. I miss creative kindred spirits. The moment I got in I was sewing costumes, taking notes on a run....I miss the live of constatn creation, but I love the new life I am creating in LA. Being here defnitely puts it in perspective.

I used to be like a mini celebrity here, always beign part of the buzz and getting noticed aroudn town for shows I did. This city has moved on, and so have I, but I love that I can always touch base with Light house.

I somehow always seem to find the frenchies. I am staying at this international house for a few days and i alreayd met the french guy.

So that you guys can keep me accoutnable to help reach my goals, I am going to post my calorie counts, and that way there's no lying, since my trainer has got me on a now strict 1200 calories per day. :-)