I have no voice in california, but thats ok cause i am too free to belong.

You ever have a day when you feel like you are sucking at being a person? Yeah I have them, sometimes, i mean we're human right? We all have those days...and I am having a few....and i think it's good because in turn I'll be a fuller, more experienced and wiser person (like Madonna right?).

I mean in all areas too:
A friend just told me he no longer wanted to be my friend, because he was hurt since I told him I didn't want a relationship with him, so he made me into his enemy to make it easier and meanly told me he wanted me out of his life even though he has said before that he rather we be friends. Should I be flattered that I can affect someone so much? well i am not, I hate being the subject of negative energy in people.

At work, I have never felt so incapable. I mean I am learning a whole lot of information from scratch and at a fast pace and I don't feel I have been able to show good work, and on top of that I am being asked to give up a life I loved having, one that puts living before work, and I am constantly tryhing to negotiate that, so I feel lousy at not living my life and enriching it with things I need, and then at work it looks like I am only partly in the water because I am trying to negotiate both. I don't feel I am taking care of myself, and consequently both work and art are sufferring. Especially since my art has been put secondary.

Maybe I am too free spirited to have a job job. Maybe I need to find a way to just continue with my art.

I used to say, if there is reincarnation, then this is the first time my soul is a woman, because i find that I am in control and comfortable with general life issues except for the really girly issues, that drive me nuts, because I want to let them go, but instead they become issues.

Such as....

Spiritually....I am not listening to God. There used to be a time in my life when I was always aware of what Ein Sof was telling me and opening my eyes to, and life was beautiful. Why am I trying to control things on my own- I need to let it go, give it up. I want what the Kabbalists call Equanimity, Moderation, Knowledge, Lovingkindess.

Physically...Let's not even talk about my diet. And the lack of exercise.

Familiar....I am not loving my family like I should.

Cleanliness....failing, room is a mess again since I have bearly been home.

Politically...this yr i missed voter registration by a day. I can't vote this year. THAT sucks. It's major voting in CA this year.

And a few other more personal things I'd rather not list.

I can't wait to see my people on friday, though as always "something may come up" is the theme at work and my question always is, when does LIFE come up, and when does that get put before work when the work can get done in time if it was managed a bit better. Ay?

I need someone to tell me, hey, get over it. Your problems are farts in the universe. And the "Universe" loves you more than any person could. No really, I do. Because apparently telling myself has not been enough.