Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
My artist life update in a recession world...
I vowed to start blogging again this past year, and now I have made it my New Years Resolution (even though I don't believe in those), and because I really don't believe in those I'm starting right now, today.
I'm back in LA after holidays in Texas, trying to figure out how to make things happen this last week of the year when nothing is getting done really.
I have an overnight rehearsal tonight at Disneyland since I'm a Host for their New Year's Event tonight, which means I have to pack for a few nights in the OC...and also for moving! It's been a year of recession style living...making my own yogurt, sharing a Tamal, a single Tamal with someone, and I thought eventually ending up as a couch-surfer. Mais non! I am moving across the hall to a cheaper and awesome studio, really only missing the view from my current apartment, but it's a sacrifice worth making since I still owe Equity Dues and need to eat (though less, or at least healthier).
Yesterday was our Executive Committee Meeting on the SLNC. Elections are coming up in March and we're thinking of piloting a progressive, new system for voting. Find out more by coming to our meeting next Wednesday night.
That's the news...well that and getting a job (though I'm freelancing in Viral Marketing and Branding-so if you need some help email me!), but as my agent assured me on Facebook...Pilot season is coming up!
I'm back in LA after holidays in Texas, trying to figure out how to make things happen this last week of the year when nothing is getting done really.
I have an overnight rehearsal tonight at Disneyland since I'm a Host for their New Year's Event tonight, which means I have to pack for a few nights in the OC...and also for moving! It's been a year of recession style living...making my own yogurt, sharing a Tamal, a single Tamal with someone, and I thought eventually ending up as a couch-surfer. Mais non! I am moving across the hall to a cheaper and awesome studio, really only missing the view from my current apartment, but it's a sacrifice worth making since I still owe Equity Dues and need to eat (though less, or at least healthier).
Yesterday was our Executive Committee Meeting on the SLNC. Elections are coming up in March and we're thinking of piloting a progressive, new system for voting. Find out more by coming to our meeting next Wednesday night.
That's the news...well that and getting a job (though I'm freelancing in Viral Marketing and Branding-so if you need some help email me!), but as my agent assured me on Facebook...Pilot season is coming up!
Friday, September 18, 2009
And again...
I'm blogging again...how many times can I blog about that? Well this is about the fourth. But this is a good time to start again.
First of all, before I left to work for Obama last year pre-mr-president, my friend Andy and I were working on producing a webcast called "Claudia the Know-it-all," thus producing those fabulous photos of me cooking up a batch of knowledge stew, and ironing out some Dali. Well, as you can imagine, it's a busy time getting a man elected, and life-changing, but a year later I am finally ready again to continue my dream of becoming Oprah. I am not supposed to admit that am I. I mean my pursuit of knowledge and wisdom (something my friend Steve I would never be satisfied with because I would never achieve it completely..hmph.) So I'll be posting periodic little videos that I do myself. So bear with me, I sometimes cannot figure out my camera (how hard is it right?). I have recorded three shows as it is and haven't figured out how to edit the sound. But posts to come soon.
Second...one of my favorite teachers at Uni, Kenny, used to tell me he loved me because I was a walking pile of contradictions...usually referring to my ability to be brutal and strong in work but completely emotional and messy in life. So aside from my little weblogs, I'll be blogging again about my life, which contrasts my wannabe intellectual, professional, business, audrey hepburn adoring persona with passionate emotions, sometimes slightly unreasonable thought and opinions, a courting life my friends say I should write a book about, and general life messiness and joys.
Of course, there won't be too much gossip and scandal about me (it's gotten me in trouble before even though I was trying hard to conceal it), and because, well that's my business. But I'm pretty open about letting people in my life, and sharing this crazy wonderful strange life I live and am thankful for. and so that's that. I'm blogging again.
First of all, before I left to work for Obama last year pre-mr-president, my friend Andy and I were working on producing a webcast called "Claudia the Know-it-all," thus producing those fabulous photos of me cooking up a batch of knowledge stew, and ironing out some Dali. Well, as you can imagine, it's a busy time getting a man elected, and life-changing, but a year later I am finally ready again to continue my dream of becoming Oprah. I am not supposed to admit that am I. I mean my pursuit of knowledge and wisdom (something my friend Steve I would never be satisfied with because I would never achieve it completely..hmph.) So I'll be posting periodic little videos that I do myself. So bear with me, I sometimes cannot figure out my camera (how hard is it right?). I have recorded three shows as it is and haven't figured out how to edit the sound. But posts to come soon.
Second...one of my favorite teachers at Uni, Kenny, used to tell me he loved me because I was a walking pile of contradictions...usually referring to my ability to be brutal and strong in work but completely emotional and messy in life. So aside from my little weblogs, I'll be blogging again about my life, which contrasts my wannabe intellectual, professional, business, audrey hepburn adoring persona with passionate emotions, sometimes slightly unreasonable thought and opinions, a courting life my friends say I should write a book about, and general life messiness and joys.
Of course, there won't be too much gossip and scandal about me (it's gotten me in trouble before even though I was trying hard to conceal it), and because, well that's my business. But I'm pretty open about letting people in my life, and sharing this crazy wonderful strange life I live and am thankful for. and so that's that. I'm blogging again.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Everything is Illuminated
Lately, it has become increasingly obvious what my life is about: it's about telling stories, giving people a voice, increasing the volume on my own voice, creating voices. It's almost as if it has been ingrained in the fabric of the time points in my life and I've just had to start connecting the dots to make me aware of the picture-though that picture is still being sketched. The dots all fit perfect:
dot 1) I was a writer of stories when I was a wee kid-leading mom to put me in creative writing camp at age 9.
dot 2) Dad taught me about storytelling by telling me stories every night growing up.
dot 3) I'm a taurus, born under the sign associated with the throat and the voice.
dot 4) Out of all the art forms I practice, I chose storytelling to be my main focus...now being a writer, and actor, and hopefully a director and producer.
dot 4) I started pursuing voice and speech coaching in college.
dot 5) I am a singer
dot 6) I have a strong desire to be an activist, thus helping others have their voices heard.
dot 7) I have been chosen and invited to speak publicly on several occasions: church, youth groups, the chairman of the Environmental committee in the Washington WOrkshops, Sitting on the HISD superintendents Ad Hoc Advisory Council, Commencement speaker.
dot 8) Though not for long, I serve as the voice for a weekly NPR program.
dot 9) well there are many more dots, and they are just as out of order as the previous list, but you get the connect-the-dot picture yeah?
I met a woman while in transition from Paris to London on the Eurostar last week. I meet people like this often-as if it had been planned out as a screenplay or a previously written story (this is actually physically true as I am reading in my new physics book of choice, anywho). I am sitting in my window seat, and accross I see this woman. Something tells me "talk to her. Talk to her." But I don't: I choose to look at my split ends. That didn't matter to the universe, because eventually she got ousted from her choice of seats by people who were assigned to them, causing her to come to my aisle seat and ask to sit next to me. I had no choice: I spoke to her. I will call her Kiwi as she is from New Zealand. Her story....After some tough times, and several jobs that weren't fulfilling her, she followed her passion to study photography in Paris. She had been resisting her own little voice too, pushing off the idea to move around the world to a new country where she didn't know the language and had to sell her home etc. But she did it. We spoke for the entire trip, about life, about "following our bliss" and she helped give me the courage again to follow what my father always taught me: "Do what you love and the money will come." In fact, she told me the exact same words, and my face lit up, hearing someone say those words who was practicing them. Her face, her eyes, were full of light, of peace, of joy and of comfort that I found inspiring, reassuring.
One of the last things we spoke of was this: Most of us walk around, existing only as pieces of ourselves at a time, rather than as all we are about, all we are. Mostly because many don't know who that is. Others, because we aren't asked of it in our work places, at home...or denied it, or judged otherwise. But I decided that moment, sitting next to my kiwi friend that I would once again assemble my entire self and move through life so that people know who I am when they meet me, my whole self...just as I did that one day in ken's acting class...the time I felt the most whole ever.
Before I left for London I watched this film "Everything's Illuminated." Elijah Wood, as some american character, returns to Ukraine to research his grandparent's past, their lives prior and during World War II. He finds the sister of his granfather's finacee, who has buried her engagement ring in the river of a town that was soon after shot down by the Nazi's. She was one of the murdered...she and her unborn child. He asks the sister, why do you think she buried the ring? He thought it was because she knew someone would come back looking for her. The sister said, no, it's for proof that she existed.
I once wrote in my writing class, that I write, I tell stories, partly, to prove my existence. I want to light up, to have an illuminated life like my friend on the train.
dot 1) I was a writer of stories when I was a wee kid-leading mom to put me in creative writing camp at age 9.
dot 2) Dad taught me about storytelling by telling me stories every night growing up.
dot 3) I'm a taurus, born under the sign associated with the throat and the voice.
dot 4) Out of all the art forms I practice, I chose storytelling to be my main focus...now being a writer, and actor, and hopefully a director and producer.
dot 4) I started pursuing voice and speech coaching in college.
dot 5) I am a singer
dot 6) I have a strong desire to be an activist, thus helping others have their voices heard.
dot 7) I have been chosen and invited to speak publicly on several occasions: church, youth groups, the chairman of the Environmental committee in the Washington WOrkshops, Sitting on the HISD superintendents Ad Hoc Advisory Council, Commencement speaker.
dot 8) Though not for long, I serve as the voice for a weekly NPR program.
dot 9) well there are many more dots, and they are just as out of order as the previous list, but you get the connect-the-dot picture yeah?
I met a woman while in transition from Paris to London on the Eurostar last week. I meet people like this often-as if it had been planned out as a screenplay or a previously written story (this is actually physically true as I am reading in my new physics book of choice, anywho). I am sitting in my window seat, and accross I see this woman. Something tells me "talk to her. Talk to her." But I don't: I choose to look at my split ends. That didn't matter to the universe, because eventually she got ousted from her choice of seats by people who were assigned to them, causing her to come to my aisle seat and ask to sit next to me. I had no choice: I spoke to her. I will call her Kiwi as she is from New Zealand. Her story....After some tough times, and several jobs that weren't fulfilling her, she followed her passion to study photography in Paris. She had been resisting her own little voice too, pushing off the idea to move around the world to a new country where she didn't know the language and had to sell her home etc. But she did it. We spoke for the entire trip, about life, about "following our bliss" and she helped give me the courage again to follow what my father always taught me: "Do what you love and the money will come." In fact, she told me the exact same words, and my face lit up, hearing someone say those words who was practicing them. Her face, her eyes, were full of light, of peace, of joy and of comfort that I found inspiring, reassuring.
One of the last things we spoke of was this: Most of us walk around, existing only as pieces of ourselves at a time, rather than as all we are about, all we are. Mostly because many don't know who that is. Others, because we aren't asked of it in our work places, at home...or denied it, or judged otherwise. But I decided that moment, sitting next to my kiwi friend that I would once again assemble my entire self and move through life so that people know who I am when they meet me, my whole self...just as I did that one day in ken's acting class...the time I felt the most whole ever.
Before I left for London I watched this film "Everything's Illuminated." Elijah Wood, as some american character, returns to Ukraine to research his grandparent's past, their lives prior and during World War II. He finds the sister of his granfather's finacee, who has buried her engagement ring in the river of a town that was soon after shot down by the Nazi's. She was one of the murdered...she and her unborn child. He asks the sister, why do you think she buried the ring? He thought it was because she knew someone would come back looking for her. The sister said, no, it's for proof that she existed.
I once wrote in my writing class, that I write, I tell stories, partly, to prove my existence. I want to light up, to have an illuminated life like my friend on the train.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I was going to blog about what I read in the Economist but...
my friend Jorge died, and all that seems silly.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Two Posts in one day!!! what is she on?!!
I'll tell you...
A new multi-vitamin, that i think has natural caffeine like qualities that have really got me going and kinds jittery (which I reallly tried to suppress while recording the show today).
Turns out the supreme court is going nuts over, commas,. Patt Morrison, on the "The Patt Morrison" show today on KPCC, discussed their recent focus on the use of commas in the second amendment and their effects on its meaning, which might change the outcome of the review of a past ruling. The speakers on the show (don't remember names, and I am too jittery to look them up.,,) said that it didn't matter...the use of commas and the interpretation, since commas were used so loosely then.
I recall, when studying hermenuetics (spelling?) under dad's guidance, that a comma makes a world of difference to meaning, whether or not the original writer intended it that way. Of course, we were reading religious texts, but if we're governing by our constitution, then I think we should be just as meticulous. We actors are with Shakespeare, anyhow, preferring to use to first folio which keeps all it's "mistake" commas which we use as clues for meaning and acting direction. Which is interesting, since Patt mentioned the fact that Shakespeare was careless with the spelling of his name when pondering on the importance of punctuation. hmmmm.
A new multi-vitamin, that i think has natural caffeine like qualities that have really got me going and kinds jittery (which I reallly tried to suppress while recording the show today).
Turns out the supreme court is going nuts over, commas,. Patt Morrison, on the "The Patt Morrison" show today on KPCC, discussed their recent focus on the use of commas in the second amendment and their effects on its meaning, which might change the outcome of the review of a past ruling. The speakers on the show (don't remember names, and I am too jittery to look them up.,,) said that it didn't matter...the use of commas and the interpretation, since commas were used so loosely then.
I recall, when studying hermenuetics (spelling?) under dad's guidance, that a comma makes a world of difference to meaning, whether or not the original writer intended it that way. Of course, we were reading religious texts, but if we're governing by our constitution, then I think we should be just as meticulous. We actors are with Shakespeare, anyhow, preferring to use to first folio which keeps all it's "mistake" commas which we use as clues for meaning and acting direction. Which is interesting, since Patt mentioned the fact that Shakespeare was careless with the spelling of his name when pondering on the importance of punctuation. hmmmm.
La Casita: Best Mexican Restaurant I've Tasted in LA
It's not like I eat a lot of Mexican food in LA: I grew up eating quesadillas like other people eat I dunno, Ramen in college. And most Mexican Restaurants don't offer the cuisine I indulge in these days...mainly wannabe vegan (wannabe because, yeah, I'll eat a little cheese, perhaps eggs, and just maybe some chicken...though not for the most part). So cheesy chicken enchiladas or beef filled cheesy chile relleno don't sound as appetizing anymore. That is until...La Casita came into my life.
Owned and run by two awesome men: Ramiro and Martin: who are some of the loveliest people I've met who are truly passionate about food and what it represents for Mexican culture.
La Casita is a small space in Bell, California, snuggled next to a 24 hour panaderia with some awesome looking Quince cakes. You probably wouldn't know that these two men are revolutionizing Mexican cooking in the US, and the image of Mexican food in other countries as a fine cuisine, by looking at the space. But one taste of the Chile Enogado-a perfectly sized large Moron pepper filled with tender ground beef, and covered with a pecan cream sauce topped with pomegranate seeds- and you'll also be driving alllll the way down to Bell to taste everything on the menu.
My friend Dara and I got to...Ramiro kept bringing out the food for us to taste. A three Mexican cheese pastry like thing filled with Mushrooms and peppers (no monterrey jack, cheddar or mozerella included, in fact, nothing melty.) Nopalitos (cactus) soup, tostadas with three moles, three moles enchiladas, A cotijo cheese authentic enchilada, Mexican Rice, a chile enogado (dating back to the 1800s, not the food but the recipe), and the biggest clue to La Casita's wonderfulness.......the fish of the day...whatever it was....if you know me.....I hate fish, I hate it, I won't eat it, and I can't stand the smell, and it gives me "asco" to think about eating it.....but I tried this finished, and as Dara as my witnessed....I almost finished it, it was so good, I wouldve finished it if it wasn't for the Kahlua flan on its way.
La Casita changed my life-seriously. I look forward to rediscovering fish again, and getting my Omega-3's from a source other than capsules and walnuts.
If you've got 25 minutes(in no traffic) to spare in driving, no even if you don't have the time...make it to La Casita to taste some of the most authentic Mexican food I've found in LA. And simply, the best I've tasted.
From a Mexican Food expert...
(All Mexicans are Mexican Food experts. We just know how it's supposed to taste.) :-)
www.CasitaMex.com
La Casita Mexicana
4030 East Gage Ave.
Bell, CA 90201
Tel. (323) 773 - 1898
Owned and run by two awesome men: Ramiro and Martin: who are some of the loveliest people I've met who are truly passionate about food and what it represents for Mexican culture.
La Casita is a small space in Bell, California, snuggled next to a 24 hour panaderia with some awesome looking Quince cakes. You probably wouldn't know that these two men are revolutionizing Mexican cooking in the US, and the image of Mexican food in other countries as a fine cuisine, by looking at the space. But one taste of the Chile Enogado-a perfectly sized large Moron pepper filled with tender ground beef, and covered with a pecan cream sauce topped with pomegranate seeds- and you'll also be driving alllll the way down to Bell to taste everything on the menu.
My friend Dara and I got to...Ramiro kept bringing out the food for us to taste. A three Mexican cheese pastry like thing filled with Mushrooms and peppers (no monterrey jack, cheddar or mozerella included, in fact, nothing melty.) Nopalitos (cactus) soup, tostadas with three moles, three moles enchiladas, A cotijo cheese authentic enchilada, Mexican Rice, a chile enogado (dating back to the 1800s, not the food but the recipe), and the biggest clue to La Casita's wonderfulness.......the fish of the day...whatever it was....if you know me.....I hate fish, I hate it, I won't eat it, and I can't stand the smell, and it gives me "asco" to think about eating it.....but I tried this finished, and as Dara as my witnessed....I almost finished it, it was so good, I wouldve finished it if it wasn't for the Kahlua flan on its way.
La Casita changed my life-seriously. I look forward to rediscovering fish again, and getting my Omega-3's from a source other than capsules and walnuts.
If you've got 25 minutes(in no traffic) to spare in driving, no even if you don't have the time...make it to La Casita to taste some of the most authentic Mexican food I've found in LA. And simply, the best I've tasted.
From a Mexican Food expert...
(All Mexicans are Mexican Food experts. We just know how it's supposed to taste.) :-)
www.CasitaMex.com
La Casita Mexicana
4030 East Gage Ave.
Bell, CA 90201
Tel. (323) 773 - 1898
Friday, November 16, 2007
The top of Hollywood
Last Saturday I hiked up the Mt. Hollywood Trail to the Observatory atop Griffith Park. Okay, it was really more like an upward stroll, since "hikes" in LA are really just pre-made trails and nothing like what I've done in Mexico, Northern California, Wales, or Utah. But when I need to "escape" from the city, and I say "escape" because you never really escape the city, I take a hike.
This morning I decided to jog up the Mt. Hollywood trail, and let me tell you it is a steep trail, and uphill from the moment I leave my apartment steps all the way to the top. There was a moment when I thought I'd pass out (forgot to eat something before I left, forgot? or too full from the reception last night at work, hmmmm), but I kept going, pushing through the burn in the back of my legs and my shakey calves ( I was always told that the first time jogging up the hill would be the toughest, heh, very true).
Last night I stayed up late talking to my new friend whom I will call Jolly. We were talking about not getting in the comfortable mode people using relax into in this city. The "I'm saving so I can do that later," or "someday I'll be doing this..." etc. It's hard to push past that state of being, I mean, if you really aren't getting paid enough you can't travel, or buy a house, or that car...NOW, but we noticed that when we didn't push past the complacency and put ourselves past to the point of discomfort we didn't go anywhere. I likened it to working out. You life weights, or you jog, or whatever, and it hurts, but the most growth happens at the point when you really think you can't go on and you do anyway.
It happened to me this summer, when I knew I needed to find a job, and for a month things were reallly tough financially and I had no idea how I would live in my new expensive rent apartment. I could've easily taken any number of typical artist jobs in LA and started getting paid....but I waited it out till I found what I wanted. And it hurt. Not being able to go out with friends hurt as much as pain in my legs. Putting in only 20 bucks at a time of gas was like getting to the out of breath point. Only being able to take 8 dollars in quarters out for laundry from the bank, and having to answer "i can't afford to." to the cashier at wellsfargo who asked why I didn't take out 10 dollars worth, ew, that hurt. But sho nuff. Now I have a job, that I am happy to have, because it was what I was looking for, and it's taking me closer to where I want to be.
The best things really do happen when we're willing to take ourselves to an unsure, uncomfortable place....only then can we discover.
This morning I decided to jog up the Mt. Hollywood trail, and let me tell you it is a steep trail, and uphill from the moment I leave my apartment steps all the way to the top. There was a moment when I thought I'd pass out (forgot to eat something before I left, forgot? or too full from the reception last night at work, hmmmm), but I kept going, pushing through the burn in the back of my legs and my shakey calves ( I was always told that the first time jogging up the hill would be the toughest, heh, very true).
Last night I stayed up late talking to my new friend whom I will call Jolly. We were talking about not getting in the comfortable mode people using relax into in this city. The "I'm saving so I can do that later," or "someday I'll be doing this..." etc. It's hard to push past that state of being, I mean, if you really aren't getting paid enough you can't travel, or buy a house, or that car...NOW, but we noticed that when we didn't push past the complacency and put ourselves past to the point of discomfort we didn't go anywhere. I likened it to working out. You life weights, or you jog, or whatever, and it hurts, but the most growth happens at the point when you really think you can't go on and you do anyway.
It happened to me this summer, when I knew I needed to find a job, and for a month things were reallly tough financially and I had no idea how I would live in my new expensive rent apartment. I could've easily taken any number of typical artist jobs in LA and started getting paid....but I waited it out till I found what I wanted. And it hurt. Not being able to go out with friends hurt as much as pain in my legs. Putting in only 20 bucks at a time of gas was like getting to the out of breath point. Only being able to take 8 dollars in quarters out for laundry from the bank, and having to answer "i can't afford to." to the cashier at wellsfargo who asked why I didn't take out 10 dollars worth, ew, that hurt. But sho nuff. Now I have a job, that I am happy to have, because it was what I was looking for, and it's taking me closer to where I want to be.
The best things really do happen when we're willing to take ourselves to an unsure, uncomfortable place....only then can we discover.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Happy Area Code Day!
Today is Area Code. I am unsure how Americans in the past have celebrated this holiday- their rituals, their practices, their beliefs- so I have no suggestions except for the following....
Today, pay tribute to your area code by staying within its limits for the entire day.
or
Visit and area code you've NEVER been too.
or
Add up the numbers to your area code and find out what it's numerological meaning is here.
This month is also Vegan Month and Impotency Month and Peanut Butter Lover's month- decide for yourself how to celebrate these.
Today, pay tribute to your area code by staying within its limits for the entire day.
or
Visit and area code you've NEVER been too.
or
Add up the numbers to your area code and find out what it's numerological meaning is here.
This month is also Vegan Month and Impotency Month and Peanut Butter Lover's month- decide for yourself how to celebrate these.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Thanks.
I can't blog when I know I have other things I should be doing...but I have some things to get off my mind, clear it up, so that I can move on.
I guess all I need to say is: this week has taught me a lot about myself. About how I hadn't been respecting myself like I shouldve been. About how I haven't been trusting myself, my instincts, my path. About how i haven't been showing love, and consequently I have not been getting it.
So, in an effort to love and respect myself and others....everyday from now to Thanksgiving I am going to find a way to give, or show love.
I guess all I need to say is: this week has taught me a lot about myself. About how I hadn't been respecting myself like I shouldve been. About how I haven't been trusting myself, my instincts, my path. About how i haven't been showing love, and consequently I have not been getting it.
So, in an effort to love and respect myself and others....everyday from now to Thanksgiving I am going to find a way to give, or show love.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Walking on Graves
Last night I went to Dia de Los Muertos at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary in Hollywood. I was alone for about 3 hours before my friends showed up, which allowed me to reflect on the occasion...and I didn't realize at the start, but a lot more.
Dia de Los Muertos is such a perfect "Mexican" tradition- the fusion of Catholic and native Mexican practices. Family or loved ones of the deceased return to their graves on the day of the dead and bring Marigolds and their favorite foods and Day of the Dead bread and share a meal in their honor, as well as sing songs and celebrate their lives. The popular saying of the holiday is that we have three deaths: 1. When our bodies cease to function. 2. When we're lowered into the ground. 3. When we are no longer remembered. Dia de los Muertos is the celebration and remembrance of those lost.
Now, at the Hollywood Cemetary there are probably very little Mexicans buried there, I might be wrong. But people build these huge altars and shrines to loved one, deceased artists, pets, Iraq war soldiers, grandparents, children...in honor of the dead while the Dia de los muertos parade dances around the premises and the three stages (two on ponds) play Mexican music and show traditional dancers allll night. I went last year too, and loved it. I just love my culture so much- that they celebrate the way they do, that there is an identity that identifies the people in it and is inherent in the music, dance, food, way of life, and celebrations.
Walking down the road, checking out the shrines, I began to get emotional (cry actually), realizing that it had been a while since I let myself go there. I thought of Chase and my Abuelita Mague, both who died this year, and how they deserve a shrine, a big one with Marigolds- Pink's hot dogs for Chase and pan de dulce for my great-grandmother. Walking over graves to get to the stages, I thought of how beautiful it must be to become the earth again. I want a green funeral, so that I can completely fuse with the soil and have marigolds grow out of my earth morphing flesh. How beautiful.
It was hard holding back the rush of tears in public. See, I think I never really allowed myself to mourn last Spring. Chase died a week before Lita, so that whole month of February instead of becoming overwhelmed by death, I respectfully moved on. I thought, if I live practicing the things they taught me....then they live on. And I suppose that is my shrine, my altar, to them.
All that thinking about mortality, led me to think about my life...what I am doing...what I am being remembered for....if I am leading the life I truly desire in my deepest parts. And it dawned on me that what the festival provided me, that I have been missing out here in LA, is a spiritual perspective on life, that used to dominate every move I made and now only serves as an ambience. I want that back! I want to be connected to my higher power every moment. I want to seek out joy and peace and goodness moment by moment. I want to have faith and peace again that I am being protected, that God is looking out for me-whatever that might mean.
No doubt that he is...I know he is...I am being blessed every day here in LA.
Last night- facing death, mortality, which such joy and beauty helped make me fearless again.
Dia de Los Muertos is such a perfect "Mexican" tradition- the fusion of Catholic and native Mexican practices. Family or loved ones of the deceased return to their graves on the day of the dead and bring Marigolds and their favorite foods and Day of the Dead bread and share a meal in their honor, as well as sing songs and celebrate their lives. The popular saying of the holiday is that we have three deaths: 1. When our bodies cease to function. 2. When we're lowered into the ground. 3. When we are no longer remembered. Dia de los Muertos is the celebration and remembrance of those lost.
Now, at the Hollywood Cemetary there are probably very little Mexicans buried there, I might be wrong. But people build these huge altars and shrines to loved one, deceased artists, pets, Iraq war soldiers, grandparents, children...in honor of the dead while the Dia de los muertos parade dances around the premises and the three stages (two on ponds) play Mexican music and show traditional dancers allll night. I went last year too, and loved it. I just love my culture so much- that they celebrate the way they do, that there is an identity that identifies the people in it and is inherent in the music, dance, food, way of life, and celebrations.
Walking down the road, checking out the shrines, I began to get emotional (cry actually), realizing that it had been a while since I let myself go there. I thought of Chase and my Abuelita Mague, both who died this year, and how they deserve a shrine, a big one with Marigolds- Pink's hot dogs for Chase and pan de dulce for my great-grandmother. Walking over graves to get to the stages, I thought of how beautiful it must be to become the earth again. I want a green funeral, so that I can completely fuse with the soil and have marigolds grow out of my earth morphing flesh. How beautiful.
It was hard holding back the rush of tears in public. See, I think I never really allowed myself to mourn last Spring. Chase died a week before Lita, so that whole month of February instead of becoming overwhelmed by death, I respectfully moved on. I thought, if I live practicing the things they taught me....then they live on. And I suppose that is my shrine, my altar, to them.
All that thinking about mortality, led me to think about my life...what I am doing...what I am being remembered for....if I am leading the life I truly desire in my deepest parts. And it dawned on me that what the festival provided me, that I have been missing out here in LA, is a spiritual perspective on life, that used to dominate every move I made and now only serves as an ambience. I want that back! I want to be connected to my higher power every moment. I want to seek out joy and peace and goodness moment by moment. I want to have faith and peace again that I am being protected, that God is looking out for me-whatever that might mean.
No doubt that he is...I know he is...I am being blessed every day here in LA.
Last night- facing death, mortality, which such joy and beauty helped make me fearless again.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Words of Honey
Today I taught two drama classes of about 40 kids each.
AAAAAH!
I don't ever remember being so unfocused and rowdy. I remember going to drama class at age 8 (these were 3rd and 4th graders) and studying my lines when I played Watson in Crucible of Blood while doing "Kids On Stage." And I remember taking notes, and focusing on my breath, and making clever and imaginative choices. And most of all, listening to the teacher. I handled these rambuctous(spelling?) kids just fine, though I threw out all my deeper theater stuff early on and did the "Banana" exercise with them which they kept wanting to do. At times, I wished they were high schoolers and really comitted to making the sounds I asked them to make, and making a proper circle (why can't kids stand in a proper circle?).
I always though I was good with kids, I've taught them many times....Mission Possible....Youth Camp....Afterschool Program I helped create with American Leadership Forum....etc, but I doubted myself so much on the way home. Maybe I come off too agressive now. Maybe I expect too much. Have I grown out of my ability to teach children?
The wierd thing is they somehow get attached to me (sort of how cats come how love me though I am TERRIBLY allergic to them.) They walked out of the room asking me to come back next week(I was just a substitute teacher) and having them try to teach me to whistle and offer me their snacks.
Who knows. I particularly feel agressive today because last night a friend tried to make me accept a judgment he had of me, and I just wouldn't take it. This has happened twice now:
In conversation I say something like: See, I believe that once a show opens its no longer the directors play, it's the actors andthey arent necessarily doing what the director told them to, because in the end he/she can only do so much, they take it from there.
FRIEND: See, there you go...you always have a way fo putting words into my mouth when we're arguing.
ME: What do you mean?
FRIEND: I never said otherwise about directors.
ME: I never said you did, I was just telling you what I thought.
FRIEND: But you twist it so you put it in my mouth, when we're arguing.
ME: Uh, I wasn't arguing, I know you didn't say that, I was just telling you what I though.
FRIEND: But you're talking to me, which means that whatever you say was a reaction to what I say and I never said that.
MEL Uh, that's not always true, quit taking it personally.
FRIEND: I'm not taking it personally, you just need to realize what you always do in arguments and how you're not aware of how you manipulate things.
ME: We weren't arguing! I know you didn't say that! I was talking about my beliefs without it having to do with yoU! So if you take it personally it's not about me it's about you and Ihave NOTHING to do with that.
FRIEND: You just can't accept your part in this.
ME: I have no part.
FRIEND: I amjust trying to suggest something to you-
ME: That was not a suggestion, it was a judgment.
FRIEND: No, I was just giving you advice about what you should do-
ME: You? Because you're so wonderful? I have to go....
CLICK
I have no patience for irrational victim situations. But I drove home thinking, am I that agressive in my speak that someone can take something sooo personally without me having the intention?
It reminded me of the time with my ex boyfriend. We're sitting in a coffee shop and he's looking at a magazine and there are orchids on the cover. I say: Oh! I love orchids. How their pollinators match the specific flowers they pollinate, and how theyve evolved to even look and smell like the animals that pollinate them...and how.... BOYFRIEND SAYS DEFENSIVELY: Yeah I know. Okay. ME: Are you upset? BOYFRIEND: You don't have to talk to me like I don't know, I know that about orchids. ME: But I was just telling you I loved orchids.....(from them on I stopped talking about things I was passionate about because I was afraid he'd take it personal, that ended soon after.)
Apparently the kids dealt with it better than the adults. I'd say Be Quiet!! and they wouldn't. But then I would say, see this is what I think about theater....and a kid would say, but what about this and that....not omigod youre putting words into my mouth and treating me like an idiot.
There's an old testament verse, or maybe new, about making all your words like honey. Years ago I wrote that in a journal as one of my goals.....I still want to have soothing words of honey, a way of speak that is natural, sweet, thick, fluid, soothing, coating...But I can't control the taste buds that are tasting it.
AAAAAH!
I don't ever remember being so unfocused and rowdy. I remember going to drama class at age 8 (these were 3rd and 4th graders) and studying my lines when I played Watson in Crucible of Blood while doing "Kids On Stage." And I remember taking notes, and focusing on my breath, and making clever and imaginative choices. And most of all, listening to the teacher. I handled these rambuctous(spelling?) kids just fine, though I threw out all my deeper theater stuff early on and did the "Banana" exercise with them which they kept wanting to do. At times, I wished they were high schoolers and really comitted to making the sounds I asked them to make, and making a proper circle (why can't kids stand in a proper circle?).
I always though I was good with kids, I've taught them many times....Mission Possible....Youth Camp....Afterschool Program I helped create with American Leadership Forum....etc, but I doubted myself so much on the way home. Maybe I come off too agressive now. Maybe I expect too much. Have I grown out of my ability to teach children?
The wierd thing is they somehow get attached to me (sort of how cats come how love me though I am TERRIBLY allergic to them.) They walked out of the room asking me to come back next week(I was just a substitute teacher) and having them try to teach me to whistle and offer me their snacks.
Who knows. I particularly feel agressive today because last night a friend tried to make me accept a judgment he had of me, and I just wouldn't take it. This has happened twice now:
In conversation I say something like: See, I believe that once a show opens its no longer the directors play, it's the actors andthey arent necessarily doing what the director told them to, because in the end he/she can only do so much, they take it from there.
FRIEND: See, there you go...you always have a way fo putting words into my mouth when we're arguing.
ME: What do you mean?
FRIEND: I never said otherwise about directors.
ME: I never said you did, I was just telling you what I thought.
FRIEND: But you twist it so you put it in my mouth, when we're arguing.
ME: Uh, I wasn't arguing, I know you didn't say that, I was just telling you what I though.
FRIEND: But you're talking to me, which means that whatever you say was a reaction to what I say and I never said that.
MEL Uh, that's not always true, quit taking it personally.
FRIEND: I'm not taking it personally, you just need to realize what you always do in arguments and how you're not aware of how you manipulate things.
ME: We weren't arguing! I know you didn't say that! I was talking about my beliefs without it having to do with yoU! So if you take it personally it's not about me it's about you and Ihave NOTHING to do with that.
FRIEND: You just can't accept your part in this.
ME: I have no part.
FRIEND: I amjust trying to suggest something to you-
ME: That was not a suggestion, it was a judgment.
FRIEND: No, I was just giving you advice about what you should do-
ME: You? Because you're so wonderful? I have to go....
CLICK
I have no patience for irrational victim situations. But I drove home thinking, am I that agressive in my speak that someone can take something sooo personally without me having the intention?
It reminded me of the time with my ex boyfriend. We're sitting in a coffee shop and he's looking at a magazine and there are orchids on the cover. I say: Oh! I love orchids. How their pollinators match the specific flowers they pollinate, and how theyve evolved to even look and smell like the animals that pollinate them...and how.... BOYFRIEND SAYS DEFENSIVELY: Yeah I know. Okay. ME: Are you upset? BOYFRIEND: You don't have to talk to me like I don't know, I know that about orchids. ME: But I was just telling you I loved orchids.....(from them on I stopped talking about things I was passionate about because I was afraid he'd take it personal, that ended soon after.)
Apparently the kids dealt with it better than the adults. I'd say Be Quiet!! and they wouldn't. But then I would say, see this is what I think about theater....and a kid would say, but what about this and that....not omigod youre putting words into my mouth and treating me like an idiot.
There's an old testament verse, or maybe new, about making all your words like honey. Years ago I wrote that in a journal as one of my goals.....I still want to have soothing words of honey, a way of speak that is natural, sweet, thick, fluid, soothing, coating...But I can't control the taste buds that are tasting it.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Habits of a Highly Effective Teen
I've always been a pretty strange kid. In a good way, strange. More like a little adult, but obviously still a kid- and not like those kids that act like adults and it's annoying. More like, I was wierd because I wanted to be more kid like, and think thats what went wrong when i had my "gansta" phase in early middle school.
In High School, my father gave me a Franklin Planner. A very expensive planning system that if you commit yourself to you commit yourself to buying years of paper fillers. I had so much to do in High School, it was a great gift, and I actually found it very touching since my father had been using one for years. Soon, I became just as attached to it as he.
The next gift he gave me that year was the book "The Seven habits of Highly Effective teens." That's the teens version of the adult book by Sean Covey, who shortly after I graduated from high school merged with Franklin to form the Franklin Covey Planning System and life skills/time management company. I read that book thoroughly and practiced it's suggestions, living my life being pro-active, thinking in "win/win" and "sharpening my saw." One of the suggestions they give is to write a mission statement. A mission statement at 17!!!! Well, I did, and I found it today shuffling through some old stuff (I laminated it so I could keep in in my wallet), and here it is. How did it get here all the way from Houston by way of Minneapolis and parts of Europe??
Mission Statement 1999
To make sure God is the #1 aspect in my life and everything I do is for His glory; to not judge anyone or myself and take all mistakes as learning experiences; to work as hard as I can even when I feel like a failure; to respect everyone, myself, and my beliefs; to be kind to everyone and treat them as I want ot be treated; to be strong in my ideas and beliefs; to accept who I am and worth with it instead of dwelling on the negative; to think pro-actively; to listen to others and not caretake anyone; to not participate in anything that can be detrimental to me physically or spiritually; Accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and have the knowledge to know the difference; to not be centered on the material aspects of life; to stop putting myself down; to embrace my life and cherish it and the others in it; to Love God with all my heart sould and mind.
Since I have learned how to write better mission statements, and I realize the list is more a list of principles, but at the time it's what I thought of as a mission statement.
I cannot imagine trying to write one for my life right now, which is why I think it's time to do it.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Life happening, while I'm making other plans, doing other things.
You know I am busy when I don't blog.
Not just busy...this whole week they were replacing water pipes in my apartment, which means they turned of the water(including all day today). Which then means...I didn't shower a couple of days, which gave me an excuse not to work out, which made me feel worse on top of not being able to sleep because the entire contents of my closet had to be emptied on my bed, leaving me a small corner to half sleep on only to be woken up again early the next morning to the workers banging metal around and cutting chunks out of my wall.
Today, I had lunch at Prana(saw Courtney Cox with little Coco) and bought a dress and that made it all the better.
That and this morning I was further awakened by a call from my ex (first) boyfriend, whom I haven't spoken to in, oh perhaps two years. It was great to hear from him, but of course, strolling down memory lane made me start thinking about where I am , where I was, what I have become, why me, all that stuff...and put me in a mood. Now I am questioning if I should let myself be decidedly single for a while, like oh let says, at least two years....
Only that creepily accurate astrologist told me I was due for a relationship beginning Christmas eve. I'll be in the English countryside, perhaps I'll meet a nice man on the train. Or perhaps I'll fall in love with myself all over again and realize I need to be treating myself better. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll finally meet Ralph Fiennes on a not-so-Virgin airlines flight over there(just kidding mom and tias, Ill be busy with the large selection of movies and flashy lighting.).
Point is-there isn't any, but I wanted to say point is-you can't meet awesome people like Jimmy who owns Loteria at the Grove unless you get out and take a pointless walk on a crispy autumn day.
Not just busy...this whole week they were replacing water pipes in my apartment, which means they turned of the water(including all day today). Which then means...I didn't shower a couple of days, which gave me an excuse not to work out, which made me feel worse on top of not being able to sleep because the entire contents of my closet had to be emptied on my bed, leaving me a small corner to half sleep on only to be woken up again early the next morning to the workers banging metal around and cutting chunks out of my wall.
Today, I had lunch at Prana(saw Courtney Cox with little Coco) and bought a dress and that made it all the better.
That and this morning I was further awakened by a call from my ex (first) boyfriend, whom I haven't spoken to in, oh perhaps two years. It was great to hear from him, but of course, strolling down memory lane made me start thinking about where I am , where I was, what I have become, why me, all that stuff...and put me in a mood. Now I am questioning if I should let myself be decidedly single for a while, like oh let says, at least two years....
Only that creepily accurate astrologist told me I was due for a relationship beginning Christmas eve. I'll be in the English countryside, perhaps I'll meet a nice man on the train. Or perhaps I'll fall in love with myself all over again and realize I need to be treating myself better. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll finally meet Ralph Fiennes on a not-so-Virgin airlines flight over there(just kidding mom and tias, Ill be busy with the large selection of movies and flashy lighting.).
Point is-there isn't any, but I wanted to say point is-you can't meet awesome people like Jimmy who owns Loteria at the Grove unless you get out and take a pointless walk on a crispy autumn day.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
"Tonight, Tonight, It all began tonight..."
My blog profile says I am in Accounting. I don't know why.
Today is the 50th Anniversary of the opening night of West Side Story on Broadway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you know me, you know I know every song, the lines, and some of the original Jerome Robbins Choreography.
Today I was listening to KPCC, and they had a show about the musical. While a composer dicussed the structure of Leonard Bernstein's music in the show I nearly cried. I am such a nerd.
Why do I love the musical so much? Maybe I was Rita Moreno in another life. Is it possible to have been someone even though they're still alive?
If not, then I was definitely Natalie Wood. Would explain my terrible fear of falling into water......
Today is the 50th Anniversary of the opening night of West Side Story on Broadway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you know me, you know I know every song, the lines, and some of the original Jerome Robbins Choreography.
Today I was listening to KPCC, and they had a show about the musical. While a composer dicussed the structure of Leonard Bernstein's music in the show I nearly cried. I am such a nerd.
Why do I love the musical so much? Maybe I was Rita Moreno in another life. Is it possible to have been someone even though they're still alive?
If not, then I was definitely Natalie Wood. Would explain my terrible fear of falling into water......
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Show Me the Money
This past weekend I went out with Elena to one of the sexiest jazz shows I have ever seen in my life. There, when everyone was up front dancing, I was sitting in the booth looking around at everyone. In the darkness, not too far away I see a man staring at me. I can see in the shadows, that he is staring and smiling. I wave and smile back, sort of awkwardly. He comes over and say "What's your name?" I say"Claudia, what's yours?" He responds...."Cuba." I said, "Does that mean you dance like the Cubans?"
And that is how Claudia spent the evening dancing with Cuba Gooding Junior.
L. A.
And that is how Claudia spent the evening dancing with Cuba Gooding Junior.
L. A.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Need some more yin in my yang
My father always emphasized balance to me growing up (someday I will write a book on everything he's taught me). So to come accross Macrobiotics as a lifestyle was a huge eye opener to me, allowing me to start sensing, noticing, perceiving the imbalances in my life.
Granted, Macrobiotics is a movement mainly associated with a diet lifetstyle, but it relies on Eastern principles, like the balance of Yin and Yang. I'll leave the specifics of macrobiotics for you to research...what I want to point out is how much it is making me aware of the Yin Yang forces coming to play socially.
Before I go on, I must say that when I began eating macrobiotically, I began feeling elated, fresh, energetic, more positive, aware, light, natural, at peace....dare I say....high (FYI I have never been "high" so I really don't know what that feels like...). So I am not putting all this stock into the principles without trial. I figure that if I applied it on a small scale and it made all the difference, then perhaps I should become aware of it more metaphysically (and actually my little macrobiotics book encourages that.) I recognize this logic does not always work, ie. what works quantum mechanically does not work the same on the universal level, but hey I'll give it a shot.
So, women are naturally Yin and men are naturally Yang. Yin is associated with expansion, softness, lightness, space, defensiveness and Yang is more contraction,hardness, heaviness, time, and agressiveness. Yeah, yeah, not all women are light, soft and defensive, but in general those are the attributes of male female. Then on top of that, one may be a more Yang female than others, and same reversal goes for men. The point it that in the world we find things that attract each other, opposite forces, and the universe is contstantly balancing itself out. (Which is why the environment is screaming HELP as we keep screwing with the balances.)
So, I do think I am a more Yang female than most. Realizing this made me finally understand why I kept attracting so many Yin males. And I think now I need to become more in touch with my Yin energy, not because I think Yangness is bad, or I am trying to deny myself of who I am, but I do feel a little of balance, and the principles behind macrobiotics also say extreme attracts extreme. So now I am understanding my pattern of attracting extremely Yin men.
I just want to be balances, and want someone balanced, and am hoping that by becoming more in touch with my softer, lighter, expansive qualities I can come to balance myself out for my own benefit.
I know there's such a thing as beauty expert, car expert, expert on macro economics. Is there such thing as a Life Expert, who in the same way as the other experts,doesn't necessarily know all the answers but is pretty darn good at perceiving, judging and taking action? If so....i want to be one.
Granted, Macrobiotics is a movement mainly associated with a diet lifetstyle, but it relies on Eastern principles, like the balance of Yin and Yang. I'll leave the specifics of macrobiotics for you to research...what I want to point out is how much it is making me aware of the Yin Yang forces coming to play socially.
Before I go on, I must say that when I began eating macrobiotically, I began feeling elated, fresh, energetic, more positive, aware, light, natural, at peace....dare I say....high (FYI I have never been "high" so I really don't know what that feels like...). So I am not putting all this stock into the principles without trial. I figure that if I applied it on a small scale and it made all the difference, then perhaps I should become aware of it more metaphysically (and actually my little macrobiotics book encourages that.) I recognize this logic does not always work, ie. what works quantum mechanically does not work the same on the universal level, but hey I'll give it a shot.
So, women are naturally Yin and men are naturally Yang. Yin is associated with expansion, softness, lightness, space, defensiveness and Yang is more contraction,hardness, heaviness, time, and agressiveness. Yeah, yeah, not all women are light, soft and defensive, but in general those are the attributes of male female. Then on top of that, one may be a more Yang female than others, and same reversal goes for men. The point it that in the world we find things that attract each other, opposite forces, and the universe is contstantly balancing itself out. (Which is why the environment is screaming HELP as we keep screwing with the balances.)
So, I do think I am a more Yang female than most. Realizing this made me finally understand why I kept attracting so many Yin males. And I think now I need to become more in touch with my Yin energy, not because I think Yangness is bad, or I am trying to deny myself of who I am, but I do feel a little of balance, and the principles behind macrobiotics also say extreme attracts extreme. So now I am understanding my pattern of attracting extremely Yin men.
I just want to be balances, and want someone balanced, and am hoping that by becoming more in touch with my softer, lighter, expansive qualities I can come to balance myself out for my own benefit.
I know there's such a thing as beauty expert, car expert, expert on macro economics. Is there such thing as a Life Expert, who in the same way as the other experts,doesn't necessarily know all the answers but is pretty darn good at perceiving, judging and taking action? If so....i want to be one.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Falling in Love.
Love and Fear. We all make decisions out of either Love or Fear. I have been trying to focus on the motivation behind my decisions of late, assessing whether I am acting out of Fear, because my first instinct is to declare that I am not....which is what made me suspicious.
This weekend I thought of my decision to not decide to be any one thing. I asked myself if it was because I was afraid of stability, being boring, being normal, being pidgeonholed.....I mentioned this question in an earlier blog. The answer was and is no. But then a new question came to mind....Do I not choose one career to follow because if I never choose then I can't fail at any? In other words, am I participating in self-sabotage....am I acting completely out of fear. I didn't even want to admit that this question came to mind for fear it might be true.
(At my party of Friday a girl said after looking around my place,"I know you're an artist but I can't tell what kind.")
Here was my retort to myself....If my daily goal, the goal that I have moment to moment in my life (which I value more) is to find joy and peace, then I can never fail, no matter what I do. And that is out of love.
So then this decision to not decide, well, it's not a big deal as long as I am making the moment to moment decisions that bring about Love, joy.
Here's the problem...fear is easier to fall into than love,unfortunately. Everything in this world is made to die, to deteriorate. We have to work at living, at loving, and going. So, it is easy to fall into the fear of failing, of not choosing, and forgetting the process of loving. Leading to a standstill or a retrogression. Which is a place I think I go to sometimes, those days that I am overwhelmed with the question "what am I doing with my life?"
Is it possible to "not choose" out of love? Isn't it true that sometimes we "choose" out of fear. Afterall, I have always said, being an artist is one of the few careers one must choose to be on a day to day basis, because it is not an easy road, or an easy career to fall into. On the other hand, years pass before a surgeon realizes she accidentally became her profession, because the steps she took were the ones she was supposed to take, or the safe way, or what others wanted for her.
I am choosing a tough life. But what a blessing! How much more joyous are joys when we have something to measure them up against.
The newest joy of my life...my new niece Olivia.
Olivia: Why, what would you?
Cesario: Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house,
Write loyal cantons of contemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night.
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossips of the air
Cry out Olivia!
-Twelfth Night, Shakespeare
This weekend I thought of my decision to not decide to be any one thing. I asked myself if it was because I was afraid of stability, being boring, being normal, being pidgeonholed.....I mentioned this question in an earlier blog. The answer was and is no. But then a new question came to mind....Do I not choose one career to follow because if I never choose then I can't fail at any? In other words, am I participating in self-sabotage....am I acting completely out of fear. I didn't even want to admit that this question came to mind for fear it might be true.
(At my party of Friday a girl said after looking around my place,"I know you're an artist but I can't tell what kind.")
Here was my retort to myself....If my daily goal, the goal that I have moment to moment in my life (which I value more) is to find joy and peace, then I can never fail, no matter what I do. And that is out of love.
So then this decision to not decide, well, it's not a big deal as long as I am making the moment to moment decisions that bring about Love, joy.
Here's the problem...fear is easier to fall into than love,unfortunately. Everything in this world is made to die, to deteriorate. We have to work at living, at loving, and going. So, it is easy to fall into the fear of failing, of not choosing, and forgetting the process of loving. Leading to a standstill or a retrogression. Which is a place I think I go to sometimes, those days that I am overwhelmed with the question "what am I doing with my life?"
Is it possible to "not choose" out of love? Isn't it true that sometimes we "choose" out of fear. Afterall, I have always said, being an artist is one of the few careers one must choose to be on a day to day basis, because it is not an easy road, or an easy career to fall into. On the other hand, years pass before a surgeon realizes she accidentally became her profession, because the steps she took were the ones she was supposed to take, or the safe way, or what others wanted for her.
I am choosing a tough life. But what a blessing! How much more joyous are joys when we have something to measure them up against.
The newest joy of my life...my new niece Olivia.
Olivia: Why, what would you?
Cesario: Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house,
Write loyal cantons of contemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night.
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossips of the air
Cry out Olivia!
-Twelfth Night, Shakespeare
Friday, September 14, 2007
Minnesota Must have Followed Me Here
I don't know if I want to say this, because I don't want those of you who dont know me to get a false impression of me, though perhaps it's not false, and since you've been reading you've probably already formed some impression, so you can decide whether the following is true or not.
I have been told, that I seem distant and cold....at least upon first impression.
This is rather interesting because my dad gives off the same impression...he's a gemini(he's really not like that) and I actually have gemini moon.
That's besides the point, especially if you don't believe in the affect of gravitional force between bodies...
So I've been pondering this one, since every time I bring it up to a friend or my new favorite boy Brian, they agree. Brian said when he first met me i was cold and distant and that's why he wasn't attracted to me, until I opened up. I told him, that's ok cause when i heard you were from LA I figured you were like the rest so I wasn't attracted (did this account for the coldness?).
Well, then i mentioned it to a group of Minnesoties....and they didn't immediately react to negate the fact, they listened ( I think may have thought of the proper answer) and said "You? heh, cold...?"
Last night I told Dan about this, and he said", yeah I can see that, but not in a bad way, the way you're taking it." He said, if you had a choice between a relationship and doing something to get ahead in work ,you'd choose the latter. You're just ambitious.
I thought, aha that's it. It's just that I am young, and know what i want. Is that so wrong?
Then today I thought about it and that can't be true. There have been many times when I knew I shouldve been in class, or working on something, but taking the time to be with a friend was more important so I shifted things, took more work on to be able to do so. Or how I am terribly busy these days, and it's a crucial point in my career....yet I still find time to hang with my favorite boy (though it seems he has less time than me).
I understand this is a European mentality. If you're on youre way to work and you run into someone on the street, you stop and greet them with no concern of hurrying to work or the "let'e get together soon! Call me!" Lines delivered in the US.
That's it. I must not be cold......i am just European!
I have been told, that I seem distant and cold....at least upon first impression.
This is rather interesting because my dad gives off the same impression...he's a gemini(he's really not like that) and I actually have gemini moon.
That's besides the point, especially if you don't believe in the affect of gravitional force between bodies...
So I've been pondering this one, since every time I bring it up to a friend or my new favorite boy Brian, they agree. Brian said when he first met me i was cold and distant and that's why he wasn't attracted to me, until I opened up. I told him, that's ok cause when i heard you were from LA I figured you were like the rest so I wasn't attracted (did this account for the coldness?).
Well, then i mentioned it to a group of Minnesoties....and they didn't immediately react to negate the fact, they listened ( I think may have thought of the proper answer) and said "You? heh, cold...?"
Last night I told Dan about this, and he said", yeah I can see that, but not in a bad way, the way you're taking it." He said, if you had a choice between a relationship and doing something to get ahead in work ,you'd choose the latter. You're just ambitious.
I thought, aha that's it. It's just that I am young, and know what i want. Is that so wrong?
Then today I thought about it and that can't be true. There have been many times when I knew I shouldve been in class, or working on something, but taking the time to be with a friend was more important so I shifted things, took more work on to be able to do so. Or how I am terribly busy these days, and it's a crucial point in my career....yet I still find time to hang with my favorite boy (though it seems he has less time than me).
I understand this is a European mentality. If you're on youre way to work and you run into someone on the street, you stop and greet them with no concern of hurrying to work or the "let'e get together soon! Call me!" Lines delivered in the US.
That's it. I must not be cold......i am just European!
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