See What I mean....

For some reason, this week I've been referring to all my desires and passions as problems, as if they're a sickness taking over myself not allowing the true things I should be doing to come into fruition. Are all my "hobbies" distractions? Or is it just that I really do have a passion for the things I choose to spend my time on, and they're not hobbies at all, but the things that I take joy in.

Today, I looked up Argentine Tangoes on You Tube, since I am taking Argentine Tango class and I wanted to see what the real thing looks like. Watching the beautiful, sultry, simple, and elegant choreography of Gustavo and Jessica Hornos I thought to myself," I want to take lessons to the level of competing! I want to dance!"

The intricate tangles of thought patterns in my head led me to think of the women who say the same thing, the ones way into their careers and middle age who realize they aren't spending their lives doing something fulfilling, so they quit their job at the bank after a year of dance training and start competing. And I thought of myself, and how I don't feel unfulfilled and need a new hobby, but I strongly desire learning how to move my body with such grace, sensuality, and precision- to feel the joy of movement, and to share that with others who cannot do the same. And I though....well I don't want to waste time...I should do it now. Why not? I am taking lessons...why can't I have my job and dance too?

Perhaps because it will take more time away from writing, or reading....

In French, sometimes, to say "I need," you must say "J'ai envie de," Which literally might translate to- I have the desire to, I envy....That's the word I want to use for my need/desire to dance.

The other day I was asked..."What do you want to be? Do you want to become a playwright? And what are you doing to get there?" This person knew about my writing, btw. I answered "I already am a playwright. I don't need to wait till I grow up to become one."

Well...I already am a dancer...maybe not a prima ballerina at the Houston Ballet. maybe not a paid Flamenco Dancer at El Cid, or a video ho in a video (wait, I have been a dancing video ho in a video). But I dance. I have been doing it since I was 4. But I can't imagine that dancing in my ultimate calling and goal.

P/S Last night I was asked what I did...I said I was an actor. That made me feel uneasy. Brian jumped in and said...she's on the radio too. Thank goodness for the save.