From the Hilton, Ave of the Americas, NYC, USA, N. America, the world, the galaxy, the universe, the dimmension, the string, the ...void

If LA and NYC are my zodiac signs then LA is my sun sign (the sign which gives me the tools acquired to accomplish...) and NYC is my rising, my life journey, where I am to end up.

I absolutely love this city. I cannot wait for the day I move here and live here. And I don't want to think about leaving...but I did become a member at MoMA because admission for the four of us (family) was cheaper that way, so I now I will use that as an excuse to return....I have to make use of my museum membership.

Tonight I saw Wicked, and it'd been a while since a piece of theater (no matter how broadway it may be) was sooooo inspirational. Ana Gasteyer is my new broadway idol, infact both the witches in the show....such great work. Inspires me ot start dancing again, and reminds me how excited I would get watching such reat performances, that feeling that told me to do it as long as I could. Which leads me to say.....

A director I worked with in Minnesota, who is from LA, is doing Blood Wedding in San Jose CA and has cast me as the BRIDE!!!!! First of all, Blood Wedding is one of those plays I swore I would o before I died, and now I have the female lead. I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity, and for the anticipation I now have for really working on a show again, really beign challenged, and working with a director I really work well with.

My parents are supreme. I could not have asked for better. Dad suggested we come back to NY at the end of every year as our family trip. Mom and I are gonna hold him to his word. The thing is though...its' hard now that my sister and I are older and we all want to do different things. They didnt have fun on "my day" when I chose for us to go to MoMA and hang out in Greenwich. My dad was happy taking a bus tour and visting Ground Zero. Today my sister got her shopping day, which yielded me a pair of shoes. And my mom....well I think she's happy overall, and tomorrow mornign theyre gonna try to get on the Regis and Kelly show while I go to the Guggenheim cause I know they won't want to. We have fun together, but we're all obvioiusly very different. And I of course want to go out at night, my poor sis cant since she's not21, and my parents well they don't go out like that. So last night I hung out with Amol, my new friend, and his friends and had a wonderful time partying at one of the DeLuca's (yes as in Dean and Deluca) restaurants.

As far as home goes....
I saw TV guy the night before I left. Since I left the office, he kept trying to hang out with me so finally I said ok. And I of course though it was a friendly thing after we sorta got distant with each other back at the office. We had a good time, walked to Barney's and played pool then made fun of people karaoking...and I was reminded about why I liked him....We have fun together...it's fun, and he is a nice guy. And lets just say now that I don't know how we've left it off. Things transpired, noting serious, but now I am confused as to what is going on. Ezpecially since I am still in a "I belong to God and no one else" sorta dating mood.

Ah well.
Pics from NYC to come.

Oh yeah. Amanda got engaged! (congratualtions my wittle pwetty fwend) Which means I was right. Ellie first, then Amanda, and Lindsey says she's talking about engagement with Thad. That's 3 out of 4. I am the fourth. Hah.

I'll be in NYC next week!!

i succeeded last night at making a good dinner. Let me describe:

balsamic marinated backed squash, red pepper and goat cheese stuffed mushrooms, pomegranate/cranberry/pecan mixed green salad. mmmm.

complemented by the holiday cookie Chase bought me at the play last night.

Golden Globes

The Golden Globe Nominees were announced today, and for once I think every nominee I expected was on the list (well I mean I think Gael Garcia Bernal was phenomenal in Science of Sleep but I also knew he wouldnt get nominated.) But both Brad Pitt, and the Hispanic lady in Babel were nominated....thank goodness. Aso Borat was nominated for best comedy as was Sacha Baren Cohen. Little Miss Sunshine got some nominations as well as the breathtaking Penelope Cruz in Volver. Weeds and Grey's Anatomy were also on the list.

Points of DissaPOINTment:

Apocalypto was nominated as a best foreign film. (YUCK, A stupid racist movie., or so I read in reviews....we'll see.)

Beyonce was nominated for Dreamgirls, which I hear is a great film and I can't wait to see it, but I also heard from Justin how her part in the original cut was smaller, but they wanted to make her into a nominee and seem like a lead actress so they extended her scenes even though jennifer hudson had the larger role, and the fact that Hollywood PR people could actually affect something like the Golden Globe nominations is rather upsetting though to be expected.)

And then America, the girl not the country, gets nominated for Ugly Betty, yeah yeah, I watch the show, it's cute, and cheesy, and has some greta actors like the girl who plays her enemy, and her boyfriend and her sister, but I think she's , well and "...
-eh" kind of actor, but I am VERY hard on her because when I have an agent she'll be my competition, and her nomination REALLY makes me want to get off my butt and get one ASAP before she goes and wins that thing. Yes, I admit I am childishly jealous. I am sure she's a nice girl.

Xochiquetzal

My new life as a shaman.

I have just failed at my first attempt to make a Spanish tortilla (egg-potato pie.) I am definitely no Dana, and perhaps I shouldve followed Lauras adviced to cook the potatos in chicken broth first, but nope. It ended up being a a huge omelette, of which half ended up on my stove top during the tricky flipping technique it takes to make a tortilla.

I can't take any pictures for you because I have lost BOTH battery chargers to my Canon Elf, so if anyones thinking of a clever and thoughtful holiday gift to send me......

I have been reading Joseph Campbell, a good book to come into my hands at this point in my life. I oscillate between being caught in though, in ideas, and being set into action, work. And for a while I was stuck in action, action, action. And right now I am in a place of ideas, idealogy, idealism. I catch myself worrying sometimes that I am not doing enough, making things happen (though I am doing quite a but i fyou know me you know I never think it's enough). But I remind myself how much I need these periods of wallwoing in thought to ground myself in my beliefs, my idealogy, my passions, my mind, my spirit. Its in these periods of time that I want to just continue my life as an artist forever, become a scholar, teach, write, speak. Its the times of incessant action that throw me into desires of running for office, taking off for africa to hold children, starting organizations to help immigrants. The peak of my life will be when I have found a way to live my life doing both at once, in a balance. That is the point I want to reach-the point of the most complete me.

Campbell says that artists are the shamans of our age. In my periods of "take action" I often feel like my art is not enough, that it's not actively "doing" anything. But I like this idea that artists revitalize a society with the "mythology" it easily loses, and with the meanings and inspirations found therein. I am going to live in pride as an artist (pride being the un-humble happiness_ because I need to go to that extreme to once again appreciate what it is to live and breath and walk and talk and create as an artist.

Last week I started painting again....I'm no Da Vinci, (though I dream to be), but I finally let myself just do it.

Sure Enough...

I had another dream last time...this time with certain famiyl members who always comment on my weight, but now I got to tell them to shut it. Perhaps my brain is draining of the negativity.

I feel a bit blocked. I feel like my voice is being choked and my brushes lost their bristles.

And Guy #4 had now DIVORCED me...three times he said.

Les Reves Interessantes.

Okay, so dreams.....

Two nights ago, I had a dream about my ex roomate, Megan, whom I havent' spoken to since I confronted her about a years worth of issues, but mainly that she went behind my back and did some shady business regarding my deposit and the management company. Though I have tried to contact her, I have had no response, but int his dream I was making peace with her. And it wasn't just about me, she was speaking back and giving her side....and I mean really. I mean in my dream I would assume that her responses would be things I wanted to hear or that I fabricated, but no, she was responding. I didn't think anything of it until last night I had a dream about someone I worked with at the TV company, with whom I had several little confrontations. And though she and I are fine, and thing were left fine, in my dream we talked through it all, and I mean really. She gave me her arguments back, and I explained myself, and it's almost as if for the past two nights my spirit has been trying ot make peace with issues even I though I thought the peace was made. Who will show up tonight?

Could Powder be my cousin?

I was planning on having my first "video blog" post today, so instead of just reading me, you can hear me, but somehow I have lost both battery chargers to my camera battery. I am sure they are to be found under the heaps of clothing in my bedroom, or some other sureptitious corner. So instead, with the little battery power I had, I took some shots of what i would have looked like talking to you. Enjoy.
Theses days have been incredibly synchronisish. I know that may not be a word, but in the world of my blog I have just coined in and now can be used freely by those who wish. By synchronisish, I am referring the synchronicity Carl Jung Style, or if you've learned it the way Plato would've hated...through The Artist's Way, then Julia Cameron Style, and by it I mean what many may call coincidental, God imposed/inspired, magical, crazy, typical, whatever. The point is this week has shown me somethins is going on with me, and I won't be so arrogant as to say that I am a magical or chosen human being (though that's what I think ;-)) but that perhaps I am becoming more atune with the things happening around me, and thank goodness because they have been for my benefit.

Well it hasn't just been this week, but lately in general. Such as how I met Micah while volunteering for the Dems, and immediately he said....I want to help you, I am going to connect you with so and so. And he did connect me with a new friend who is also helping me however he can in the industry. And no, my new friend is not romantic. Then on Sunday, I was sitting enjoying breakfast at Whole Foods when a guy comes up to me ( and I had felt his presence before in the line, in other words, I knew he was there) to sit and talk, and it was obvious he was no good at doing that, or that he was trying extract anything from me other than to listen. So he calls me yesterday to set up a tea rendez-vous today, and says, I don't knwo why I was drawn to you but I think I want to help you. You mentioned you were classically trained so I am hooking you up with so and so who's a director and perhaps she can help. So we met, and not only do I find him really interesting, and in the cast of my life I was missing someone just like him, but for some wierd reason, he feels drawn to help me.

At this point you're all thinking...watch out claudia, everyone wants something from someone, you might get hurt, ofcourse they want something from you....Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have taken that into consideration, but I mean Micah moved away to Massachusetts, and John, yeah he's totally not into me, I doubt I am his type at all. Believe me if you knew him you'd know, that we could be friends, but our lives are not criss crossy at all.


Some other crazy things are that last night my friend tells me he felt my shadow, around the time he was on my mind (in the evening), and then also this week, honest to God, I had been thinking about another dear friend and how i need to get in touch with him and lo and behold, he writes me today to tell me he had a dream of me. ( Boys I hope you don't mind me telling your stories.) I mean it helps that those two friends I consider kindred spirits, or spirit friends, or in other words friends who I connect with on a deeper level..


And today, on my way to meeting John at Elixir(what a beautifully peacefull garden), a woman stopped me right at a corner as i crossed the street, and asked me to interpret to these Mexican women who were cleaning homes. The woman wanted to hire them. As I was finishing, she looks in my eyes and says I sense lots going on with you energetically. Something's going on with you, and I said, really? Cause it has been....

I dunno, those aren't the only things, but there's something in the air. And John said he's felt it too, and he's an intuitive energetic healer. Sounds out there, but if you've ever had cranial sacral therapy thats what it is, and I had it in London at the National Theater Studio...pretty awesome.

Don't be surprised if tomorrow I am teleporting through space.

This is a blog test

I jsut want to make sure the reason my blog is down is not something serious, lately i have been told it is not accessible. i will write soon...when life slows down.

Adam needs to be patient because I am trying to get this up for him to see.

Look at beautiful Kade, with my beautiful friend Larissa. I had brunch with them last Sunday.

And last Friday I went to the Billtmore with Jason and Dara for "Gay Guerilla."

Those were the highlights of the weekend. Twas a good weekend, which made the beginning of the week look gray in comparison since my car broke. it was this time last year that my other car broke before I traded it in for the one that's broken now.....

A HAIKU FOR THE FUTURE...Both houses have changed,

Both houses have changed,
A change for when the same rain
Is caught by diff’rent drains.

I know this sounds bizarre, but I have been thinking quite a bit about Borat and what is represents artistically. Yeah I know it’s offensive, and reveals all sorts of things about American society that are quite embarrassing, and yada yada the typical things said about Borat all over. But I have been thinking about it in a different way; a more Claudia way if you will (I am sure I am not the only ones who thinks in the way either, but hey it’s my blog and I can be as pompous as I want about my opinions cause you’re reading it anyway )

As many of you know I read about physics, and one of my favorite books has been Art & Physics, by I forget who, though not Thomas Friedman who I often quote. The book argues, theorizes, (whatever) that major revolutions in the art world sorta set the stage for major shifts in change in physics. He lays out a pretty good argument with some strong evidence, too. Anyhow, last weekend the writer’s crew and I were discussing how we all sorta of feel things boiling lately in the art world, as if theres going to be a shift soon. And I hear the same thing around other tv and movie people. And I think it’s pretty interesting that Borat blurs the line between real and unreal in a way other mock-umentary have not. (I apologize if there are and I haven’t seen them) And sure, we have movies and plays that tell stories about the blurring of real and unreal, but Sacha Baron Cohen (did I mess up that spelling?) really, I mean really does it. What does this mean about physics? Who knows. We’ll see. But I know there is a woman who working to prove the existence of a twelfth dimension..whatever that means for our reality.

Other thoughts:

I have always been inspired by the Futurists, the avante-garde movement in Italian in the early 20th Century. And by inspired, I mean artistically since Mussolini(however you spell that) did consider them the precursor and youth movement to Fascism. But they were constantly trying to push the lines of what was considered art, and they used new technologies and tried to do away with old dated forms, and they were fiery youths politically inspired. One of the things they believed is that in order for an artist to fully represent life, or comment on it, or change it, he must have no personal morals. Now at first that may sound crazy, rash, bold, I mean that’s what I used to think, being a person who is always in pursuit understanding what morals mean for me individually, but it’s true. I mean, I have read articles saying how great of a person Sacha is, and I am sure he is, but in order to pull off some of that shit, you really have to put that behind you in the moment.

Speaking of the futurists…

I am sure they’d like my little idea which I had last yr in Minneapolis but never did.
I want to start a little series of five minute tapes/videos (documentary style), about girls well….i wont say all that since I don’t want my idea taken.
But I want to stick them on utube.
If anyones interested in helping me out (ie someone with a camera) let me know.
I’ll let you in on the info.

One down, and one to go!!

The House of Representatives is now blue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope.
Now lets see about the senate....

Unfortunately for balance, the universe is allowing for arnold to be re elected.

Go see Borat.

I had (have) really fantastic parents. I couldn't ask for better guides, inspirations, support, than they. Which is why I was so hurt to hear my mother say my father thought I didn't want to be around them, or he thought he was not a good parent and thats why I wanted to move away. I was hurt because it saddens me that that could be an idea in my father's head. Most of the time I wish I was around them, but this is where life and my career has brought me.

To better explain my father's sentiment, you've got to know a little bit abotu Mexican culture. Not Mexican-American, but Mexican. My father, afterall, didnt move to the US untile after he married my mother and went to grad school here. So in Mexico a girl doesn't leave home until she marries. Now, my father never tried to keep me home...he understood that I wanted to go to the best school and would go wherever, and he encouraged that and my education and even encouraged me to leave Minnesota to move out here. But I know he misses me, and deep down wants his daughter close to home again. I don't think I could tell him enough how much I want to be near them...he teaches me so much (and yeah angers me a bit sometimes too), but until I am home again I am sure (like the little gemini that he is) he will be sad that his little girl isnt by his side all the time. What he also doesnt realize is that he has set a high standard for the other men in her life, so until she finds better....he's enough.

The New York Times

Insulting Our Troops, and Our Intelligence

By THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN
Published: November 3, 2006


George Bush, Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld think you’re stupid. Yes, they do.


They think they can take a mangled quip about President Bush and Iraq by John Kerry — a man who is not even running for office but who, unlike Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney, never ran away from combat service — and get you to vote against all Democrats in this election.

Every time you hear Mr. Bush or Mr. Cheney lash out against Mr. Kerry, I hope you will say to yourself, “They must think I’m stupid.” Because they surely do.

They think that they can get you to overlook all of the Bush team’s real and deadly insults to the U.S. military over the past six years by hyping and exaggerating Mr. Kerry’s mangled gibe at the president.

What could possibly be more injurious and insulting to the U.S. military than to send it into combat in Iraq without enough men — to launch an invasion of a foreign country not by the Powell Doctrine of overwhelming force, but by the Rumsfeld Doctrine of just enough troops to lose? What could be a bigger insult than that?

What could possibly be more injurious and insulting to our men and women in uniform than sending them off to war without the proper equipment, so that some soldiers in the field were left to buy their own body armor and to retrofit their own jeeps with scrap metal so that roadside bombs in Iraq would only maim them for life and not kill them? And what could be more injurious and insulting than Don Rumsfeld’s response to criticism that he sent our troops off in haste and unprepared: Hey, you go to war with the army you’ve got — get over it.

What could possibly be more injurious and insulting to our men and women in uniform than to send them off to war in Iraq without any coherent postwar plan for political reconstruction there, so that the U.S. military has had to assume not only security responsibilities for all of Iraq but the political rebuilding as well? The Bush team has created a veritable library of military histories — from “Cobra II” to “Fiasco” to “State of Denial” — all of which contain the same damning conclusion offered by the very soldiers and officers who fought this war: This administration never had a plan for the morning after, and we’ve been making it up — and paying the price — ever since.

And what could possibly be more injurious and insulting to our men and women in Iraq than to send them off to war and then go out and finance the very people they’re fighting against with our gluttonous consumption of oil? Sure, George Bush told us we’re addicted to oil, but he has not done one single significant thing — demanded higher mileage standards from Detroit, imposed a gasoline tax or even used the bully pulpit of the White House to drive conservation — to end that addiction. So we continue to finance the U.S. military with our tax dollars, while we finance Iran, Syria, Wahhabi mosques and Al Qaeda madrassas with our energy purchases.

Everyone says that Karl Rove is a genius. Yeah, right. So are cigarette companies. They get you to buy cigarettes even though we know they cause cancer. That is the kind of genius Karl Rove is. He is not a man who has designed a strategy to reunite our country around an agenda of renewal for the 21st century — to bring out the best in us. His “genius” is taking some irrelevant aside by John Kerry and twisting it to bring out the worst in us, so you will ignore the mess that the Bush team has visited on this country.

And Karl Rove has succeeded at that in the past because he was sure that he could sell just enough Bush cigarettes, even though people knew they caused cancer. Please, please, for our country’s health, prove him wrong this time.

Let Karl know that you’re not stupid. Let him know that you know that the most patriotic thing to do in this election is to vote against an administration that has — through sheer incompetence — brought us to a point in Iraq that was not inevitable but is now unwinnable.

Let Karl know that you think this is a critical election, because you know as a citizen that if the Bush team can behave with the level of deadly incompetence it has exhibited in Iraq — and then get away with it by holding on to the House and the Senate — it means our country has become a banana republic. It means our democracy is in tatters because it is so gerrymandered, so polluted by money, and so divided by professional political hacks that we can no longer hold the ruling party to account.

It means we’re as stupid as Karl thinks we are.

I, for one, don’t think we’re that stupid. Next Tuesday we’ll see.

Weekend Review.

Yesterday I volunteered for the CA Dems. I figured since I can't vote I am going to try to encourage others to vote, especially those that can help me have a voice. They paired me with a 17 yr old named Mayra, who had been volunteering for a while, good for her. SHe must have thought i was the craziest person after a day fo going door to door with me. She told me she had been paried with others who would just go on and on about their poltical beliefs, and I thought, poor kid, these adults were using her to spit out all their information because they know she probably doesnt knwo otherwise and she wont argue back. So I ask her about what she thought, and instead we got a day of learning about each other, learning some french, and fun running from angry dogs- all while reminding people to vote.

On the field, I actually got asked out by a guy holding a yard sale. His name is Micah- and the whole situation is rather funny now. He gave me earrings, and asked to hang out with me last night. So we did, and he was so wrong for me, but he seemed to think things went well cause he tried to kiss me but only met my cheek and my voice saying, um no. Poor kid. He called me today to go bowling. Heh. We swang on swings...that was fun.

More exciting news: Justin invited me to a writer's circle. Pretty cool set of kids (big kids), and we're all going to meet to support each otehr in writing. Talk about synchtonicity- I had just been thinking...gee I wish I had a group here like Many Voices. And one of the guys used to work for the production company I work for now. I'll keep you posted on the writing.

And lastly: My mentor- Caridad Svich- well she was my mentor during the Many Voices residency, is a wonderufl writer and scholar. I really connect with her work...or what i have read of it. I mean I had never seen it in production...until this weekend in LA. I saw one of her more well known pieces and sadly they did not do her work justice. Mainly, the acting did not cut it.

Plays I will direct: Nathan's Silent and the Blue Loons; Blood Weddingl; the Impossible Plays(lorca); my own

MOVIES I NEED TO SEE: Borat, Babel, Marie Atoinette, The Departed, and so many more.

Ben says i am a hub of connectivity. You have to read the World is Flat to understand that.

WEEKEND TRUTH: Art is about life. Ideas...sure...but life is also comprised of ideas.

Hallow-days

West Hollywood goes nuts for Halloween!
Dara and I walked around our packed neighborhood and checked out all the crazy costumes and people.
I met her friend Jason who has an awesome costume, Jack (see below).
People were constantly stopping him to take pictures.
I didn't have a costume or money to buy one, so I was just French.
Dara was a lion.

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

Rules that were applied in West Hollywood Last Night....

1. Dress as someone from a recent movie. Apparently we will never get old of Ali G on TV and 500 of them on the street.
2. No matter what innocent cartoon you decide to go as....slut her/him up. Rainbow brite was never meant to be sweet and innocent, right? i mean she screams gay pride all around.
3. Bring your child, infant...to the super crowded parade. they don't need sleep, and they loved being pushed around by the crowd and being exposed to the lingering smell of pot.
4. Pick the scariest person to sing at the Halloween concert- ie Kevin Federline.
5. If you want attention...wear stilts.
6. When the street home to gay bars and clubs is filled with thousands of party people, only allow men into the gay club/bar. Lesbians don't count as gay on Halloween night. ( I mean really. The places werent letting you in if you were a woman!)

Quote of the evening.

"It smells like sausages everywhere...and not just because we're in West Hollywood."

To be Nobody at all but yourself.....

I got to see blake this weekend. He came in from houston, which meant I also got to see daniel (it's been six years) and teh rest of the HSPVA crew. Me, Chris, Erich, Justin, and Courtney drove down to Orange together. Being around those kids brings me so much joy. There wasn't a minute I wasn't smiling or laughing. Well there was...when I was asleep in the car and snoring on the way home, but I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend the end of a rough week for me: in the company of good friends whom I love and who know and love me back. On the way back home from Courtney's in Burbank I heard the Cat Empire on the Radio!! Way to go Boys, moving into the US market. I will always be able to say I had a sweet night with the lead singer (no friends, nothing like that, check out the blog in june and you'll see what i mean.)




Saturday, Dara and I went to breakfast....something I missed doing since we used to go on random weekdays. Now with my job job it's not feasible, but I wa glad to take a morning walk and talk with my dear roomate. At hugo's we even got to see a little poodle dressed in a pumpkin costume.



In the evening Ellie picked me up with little chubs and we went to Dia de los Muertos at the Hollywood Forever cemetary. This was probably one of my favorite things I have done in LA. The whole cemetary had shrines and altars that people had built, I mean these amazing pieces of art. And there was Mexi-music everywhere and Mexi-food (we ate tamales and drank champurrado) and the lights were beautiful greens and reds and blues. It was beautiful.

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

And of course today, I got to spend time with Justin to talk about his film, a writers circle i will now be part of, and my play (which is coming along)

Yeah...I know..this blog is just a diary of my weekend, but I don't want to forget that in the midst of my craziness and frustrations with a schedule put on my life, I can find serenity and joy. I feel like a person again.

It's good to have a little moment.

The city was on fire. She looked around as she walked down her street and saw the blue and red and yellow and white fire peaking through the trees and bushes and thought how marvelous it looked, to have light bursting through the trees. She stopped when she passeed a black rod iron gate: the entrance to the garden stopped her and all she could do was stare at the dimly lit courtyard hidden behind shrubs and flowers and as she stood her ground she felt the earth beneath her feet, the first time she felt grounded in a while.

"It's been a while since I've been outside. What have I been locking myself up for? Money? Vain Sucess? An empty future."

The courtyard reminded her of the ones she'd pass when walking the streets of Spain. She remember how alive she felt when all life was about was people, and the relationships, and creation, and nature....and not will I get this job to get me this one to get me this one to get me a dress to wear to a party so people will like me to get me a man to have a good future where we buy nice things and then die saying well gee i worked hard but i wish i had gone to spain that one time.

She kept walking except this time there was a smile on her face, one that came from the inside out, instead of the grimace she holds all day sitting in front of the computer.

From that moment off, things seemed a bit better; a lot better.

I have no voice in california, but thats ok cause i am too free to belong.

You ever have a day when you feel like you are sucking at being a person? Yeah I have them, sometimes, i mean we're human right? We all have those days...and I am having a few....and i think it's good because in turn I'll be a fuller, more experienced and wiser person (like Madonna right?).

I mean in all areas too:
A friend just told me he no longer wanted to be my friend, because he was hurt since I told him I didn't want a relationship with him, so he made me into his enemy to make it easier and meanly told me he wanted me out of his life even though he has said before that he rather we be friends. Should I be flattered that I can affect someone so much? well i am not, I hate being the subject of negative energy in people.

At work, I have never felt so incapable. I mean I am learning a whole lot of information from scratch and at a fast pace and I don't feel I have been able to show good work, and on top of that I am being asked to give up a life I loved having, one that puts living before work, and I am constantly tryhing to negotiate that, so I feel lousy at not living my life and enriching it with things I need, and then at work it looks like I am only partly in the water because I am trying to negotiate both. I don't feel I am taking care of myself, and consequently both work and art are sufferring. Especially since my art has been put secondary.

Maybe I am too free spirited to have a job job. Maybe I need to find a way to just continue with my art.

I used to say, if there is reincarnation, then this is the first time my soul is a woman, because i find that I am in control and comfortable with general life issues except for the really girly issues, that drive me nuts, because I want to let them go, but instead they become issues.

Such as....

Spiritually....I am not listening to God. There used to be a time in my life when I was always aware of what Ein Sof was telling me and opening my eyes to, and life was beautiful. Why am I trying to control things on my own- I need to let it go, give it up. I want what the Kabbalists call Equanimity, Moderation, Knowledge, Lovingkindess.

Physically...Let's not even talk about my diet. And the lack of exercise.

Familiar....I am not loving my family like I should.

Cleanliness....failing, room is a mess again since I have bearly been home.

Politically...this yr i missed voter registration by a day. I can't vote this year. THAT sucks. It's major voting in CA this year.

And a few other more personal things I'd rather not list.

I can't wait to see my people on friday, though as always "something may come up" is the theme at work and my question always is, when does LIFE come up, and when does that get put before work when the work can get done in time if it was managed a bit better. Ay?

I need someone to tell me, hey, get over it. Your problems are farts in the universe. And the "Universe" loves you more than any person could. No really, I do. Because apparently telling myself has not been enough.

Home is where my books are....

Ben's mother flew me in to Minneapolis this past weekend to surprise him for his birthday. It was overall a good weekend, and I am glad I was able to spend more time with him before he takes off to the UN, and since we met at my MPLS goign away party and have only become good friends a traves de cyberspace.

When I first arrived, we drove by the new theater, the new Guthrie I mean; granted, it's hard to miss with its big blue panes and light sticks and that bridge portruding over the Mississippi River. I didn't want to look at it though for fear it would make me reconsider my decision to stay in LA for November/December. Turning my head to the Guthrie, however, would not be the only thing making me into a pillar of salt. After a morning nap, Ben and I headed to Barbette (one of my favorite cafes in the city). Barbette, like the rest of the city was just as I left it, complete with Chad my favorite way who is now sporting a mohawk. Though it feels like I have been in LA FOREVER, it felt like I had never left the cities.

The Twin Cities....
Living in LALA land had definitely given me a new perspective on teh city. People in Minnepolis, at least at Barbette, seemes more comfortable, as I watched groups of friends sharing brunch, girls unafraid to have messy hair and no makeup, a writer in the corner, and an overall feeling of "C'est la vie." Near the bathroom I picked up fliers for some of the shows in town....Matt Jenczzeski has got a show at the Southern, The Guthrie, Pillsbury, THe Jungle, Penumbra, Nautlis...so much theatre and dance and work beign produced.

At Barbette Nate met up with us, and he brought along his new Boyfriend who I happen to adore. he seems an almost perfect balance to his ethereal and free spirited nature. Later we had a bday dinner with Ben's family and friends at Azia(another one of my faves.) and then hung out at his place, drank wine, and smoked shisha(flavored tobacco, nothing legal, and mom it's filtered and contains no nicotine, i think you should try it.) Since BJ happens to be me and Ben's mutual friend(who knew?!) we saw him, and hung with a group of his brazilian lady friends...and then I got to meet Ben's friend Sean who I also adored (gee, meeting all these fabu-people and I dont even get to spend time with them...yeegods.)


A good day with good people. Which left me thinking.....see no matter how quirky or wierd or crazy my friends in the TC are...theyre all jsut wonderful people that I miss having in my life. And it seemed like the city was constantly creating, and moving, and growing, andlife was simple, and spontaneous and what have I done?

Sunday we had breakfast at another favorite -French Meadow- (see Glenn this is why I detox so often, all this eating out..) where Peter, Nate and Ben met us. Then we headed over to the Tea Garden to hang out, and there I got to see Christina (Tea Garden's managaer/owner) and Bach-DJ extraordinaire who also hooks me up with free tea.









There i looked down around my neck and noticed that my "thing", my heart and ket necklace, was ruined. I bought it right before I moved from MPLS as a symbol (lately I have a hard time wearing jewelry that doesnt mean something or have significance.) I bought is as a symbol, a reminder to myself that I had been too generous of spirit and that I needed to be more protective of my heart. SO looking down at the lacklucster charm I realized it was time to change it...it's significance was no more.

People would ask me- did someone buy that for you?does it mean you're taken? is that the key to your heart?

The truth is...no one has the key to my heart. I will never "belong" to anyone, and wearing that symbol around my neck apparaently made me....made the symbol so vulnerable, It implied my heart was a thing that could be taken. So with the company of Nate, Ben, and Ben...we headed to Patina and I bought a new one pictured below. Veyr similar only sans heart and key.

At the end of the weekend I realized what I missed about Minneapolis was really that it felt like home (well duh I lived there for five years) and places seemed so familiar and comforable, and I ran into people I knew everywhere. And that's it. Because in the end, though it was sad to leave my friends again, and Ben of course, I was happy to know I was returning to my little home in West hollywood. And I know that eventually this place will feel like home. But there was a time when Minneapolis was where I kept all my books. Now they are here, crowding our living room, but reminding me that I am starting life, er uh, continuing life here.

Happy Birthday Ben!