Need some more yin in my yang

My father always emphasized balance to me growing up (someday I will write a book on everything he's taught me). So to come accross Macrobiotics as a lifestyle was a huge eye opener to me, allowing me to start sensing, noticing, perceiving the imbalances in my life.

Granted, Macrobiotics is a movement mainly associated with a diet lifetstyle, but it relies on Eastern principles, like the balance of Yin and Yang. I'll leave the specifics of macrobiotics for you to research...what I want to point out is how much it is making me aware of the Yin Yang forces coming to play socially.

Before I go on, I must say that when I began eating macrobiotically, I began feeling elated, fresh, energetic, more positive, aware, light, natural, at peace....dare I say....high (FYI I have never been "high" so I really don't know what that feels like...). So I am not putting all this stock into the principles without trial. I figure that if I applied it on a small scale and it made all the difference, then perhaps I should become aware of it more metaphysically (and actually my little macrobiotics book encourages that.) I recognize this logic does not always work, ie. what works quantum mechanically does not work the same on the universal level, but hey I'll give it a shot.

So, women are naturally Yin and men are naturally Yang. Yin is associated with expansion, softness, lightness, space, defensiveness and Yang is more contraction,hardness, heaviness, time, and agressiveness. Yeah, yeah, not all women are light, soft and defensive, but in general those are the attributes of male female. Then on top of that, one may be a more Yang female than others, and same reversal goes for men. The point it that in the world we find things that attract each other, opposite forces, and the universe is contstantly balancing itself out. (Which is why the environment is screaming HELP as we keep screwing with the balances.)

So, I do think I am a more Yang female than most. Realizing this made me finally understand why I kept attracting so many Yin males. And I think now I need to become more in touch with my Yin energy, not because I think Yangness is bad, or I am trying to deny myself of who I am, but I do feel a little of balance, and the principles behind macrobiotics also say extreme attracts extreme. So now I am understanding my pattern of attracting extremely Yin men.

I just want to be balances, and want someone balanced, and am hoping that by becoming more in touch with my softer, lighter, expansive qualities I can come to balance myself out for my own benefit.

I know there's such a thing as beauty expert, car expert, expert on macro economics. Is there such thing as a Life Expert, who in the same way as the other experts,doesn't necessarily know all the answers but is pretty darn good at perceiving, judging and taking action? If so....i want to be one.

Falling in Love.

Love and Fear. We all make decisions out of either Love or Fear. I have been trying to focus on the motivation behind my decisions of late, assessing whether I am acting out of Fear, because my first instinct is to declare that I am not....which is what made me suspicious.

This weekend I thought of my decision to not decide to be any one thing. I asked myself if it was because I was afraid of stability, being boring, being normal, being pidgeonholed.....I mentioned this question in an earlier blog. The answer was and is no. But then a new question came to mind....Do I not choose one career to follow because if I never choose then I can't fail at any? In other words, am I participating in self-sabotage....am I acting completely out of fear. I didn't even want to admit that this question came to mind for fear it might be true.

(At my party of Friday a girl said after looking around my place,"I know you're an artist but I can't tell what kind.")


Here was my retort to myself....If my daily goal, the goal that I have moment to moment in my life (which I value more) is to find joy and peace, then I can never fail, no matter what I do. And that is out of love.

So then this decision to not decide, well, it's not a big deal as long as I am making the moment to moment decisions that bring about Love, joy.

Here's the problem...fear is easier to fall into than love,unfortunately. Everything in this world is made to die, to deteriorate. We have to work at living, at loving, and going. So, it is easy to fall into the fear of failing, of not choosing, and forgetting the process of loving. Leading to a standstill or a retrogression. Which is a place I think I go to sometimes, those days that I am overwhelmed with the question "what am I doing with my life?"

Is it possible to "not choose" out of love? Isn't it true that sometimes we "choose" out of fear. Afterall, I have always said, being an artist is one of the few careers one must choose to be on a day to day basis, because it is not an easy road, or an easy career to fall into. On the other hand, years pass before a surgeon realizes she accidentally became her profession, because the steps she took were the ones she was supposed to take, or the safe way, or what others wanted for her.

I am choosing a tough life. But what a blessing! How much more joyous are joys when we have something to measure them up against.

The newest joy of my life...my new niece Olivia.


Olivia: Why, what would you?

Cesario: Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house,
Write loyal cantons of contemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night.
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossips of the air
Cry out Olivia!

-Twelfth Night, Shakespeare

Minnesota Must have Followed Me Here

I don't know if I want to say this, because I don't want those of you who dont know me to get a false impression of me, though perhaps it's not false, and since you've been reading you've probably already formed some impression, so you can decide whether the following is true or not.

I have been told, that I seem distant and cold....at least upon first impression.

This is rather interesting because my dad gives off the same impression...he's a gemini(he's really not like that) and I actually have gemini moon.

That's besides the point, especially if you don't believe in the affect of gravitional force between bodies...

So I've been pondering this one, since every time I bring it up to a friend or my new favorite boy Brian, they agree. Brian said when he first met me i was cold and distant and that's why he wasn't attracted to me, until I opened up. I told him, that's ok cause when i heard you were from LA I figured you were like the rest so I wasn't attracted (did this account for the coldness?).

Well, then i mentioned it to a group of Minnesoties....and they didn't immediately react to negate the fact, they listened ( I think may have thought of the proper answer) and said "You? heh, cold...?"

Last night I told Dan about this, and he said", yeah I can see that, but not in a bad way, the way you're taking it." He said, if you had a choice between a relationship and doing something to get ahead in work ,you'd choose the latter. You're just ambitious.

I thought, aha that's it. It's just that I am young, and know what i want. Is that so wrong?

Then today I thought about it and that can't be true. There have been many times when I knew I shouldve been in class, or working on something, but taking the time to be with a friend was more important so I shifted things, took more work on to be able to do so. Or how I am terribly busy these days, and it's a crucial point in my career....yet I still find time to hang with my favorite boy (though it seems he has less time than me).

I understand this is a European mentality. If you're on youre way to work and you run into someone on the street, you stop and greet them with no concern of hurrying to work or the "let'e get together soon! Call me!" Lines delivered in the US.

That's it. I must not be cold......i am just European!

Snow White and the little dog.

Yesterday, I almost asked Dara for a ride back to my place from Brunch. Something told me...nah...walk back. So I did. And on my way home I found a petit chien (little dog) who I named "Franklin" because that's the street where I found him. I did a double take as I saw a dog sitting in the center of the sidewalk, ahead of me, staring up as if it was waiting. I looked around. Who did it belong to? I asked around. Have you lost a dog? Have you seen this dog before? But it was no ones. So I let it follow me all the way home. And there...every time I stepped away it would whimper for me, and hug my leg when I wasnt giving him attention. I gave him water and had the neighbors give him meat (cause I'm vegan again), and got itchy, from it's fleas ( I didnt' let him inside). And then Gavin and Mark helped me take him to the shelter, where they put him in a cage :-(. I liked him, even though I have an extreme dislike of Chihuahuas. I'm glad I chose to walk home. Otherwise who would've found Franklin? Plus, I needed the Sun. I've got no color these days.

See What I mean....

For some reason, this week I've been referring to all my desires and passions as problems, as if they're a sickness taking over myself not allowing the true things I should be doing to come into fruition. Are all my "hobbies" distractions? Or is it just that I really do have a passion for the things I choose to spend my time on, and they're not hobbies at all, but the things that I take joy in.

Today, I looked up Argentine Tangoes on You Tube, since I am taking Argentine Tango class and I wanted to see what the real thing looks like. Watching the beautiful, sultry, simple, and elegant choreography of Gustavo and Jessica Hornos I thought to myself," I want to take lessons to the level of competing! I want to dance!"

The intricate tangles of thought patterns in my head led me to think of the women who say the same thing, the ones way into their careers and middle age who realize they aren't spending their lives doing something fulfilling, so they quit their job at the bank after a year of dance training and start competing. And I thought of myself, and how I don't feel unfulfilled and need a new hobby, but I strongly desire learning how to move my body with such grace, sensuality, and precision- to feel the joy of movement, and to share that with others who cannot do the same. And I though....well I don't want to waste time...I should do it now. Why not? I am taking lessons...why can't I have my job and dance too?

Perhaps because it will take more time away from writing, or reading....

In French, sometimes, to say "I need," you must say "J'ai envie de," Which literally might translate to- I have the desire to, I envy....That's the word I want to use for my need/desire to dance.

The other day I was asked..."What do you want to be? Do you want to become a playwright? And what are you doing to get there?" This person knew about my writing, btw. I answered "I already am a playwright. I don't need to wait till I grow up to become one."

Well...I already am a dancer...maybe not a prima ballerina at the Houston Ballet. maybe not a paid Flamenco Dancer at El Cid, or a video ho in a video (wait, I have been a dancing video ho in a video). But I dance. I have been doing it since I was 4. But I can't imagine that dancing in my ultimate calling and goal.

P/S Last night I was asked what I did...I said I was an actor. That made me feel uneasy. Brian jumped in and said...she's on the radio too. Thank goodness for the save.

Revamped

What is it that I do? What is my ultimate goal? I mean, do people actually like to answer these questions....or feel satisfied with the answers? I didn't until I started saying "I live life." or "I do a lot of things" or "My ultimate goal is to live the life I want." And I get the usual response of "Well you have to choose or want something..." And ofcourse.....I do...a lot of things....and that's how I live my life.

Some call it restless, others may call it scattered or unfocused, others say that I am still young and haven't figured out what I want; but those who actually know me know that those things don't seem to accurately describe me or the way I live. I know, I know, I am not the only one living like this. There are lots of people who choose the a-typical path of life. The one where you don't choose one career to follow forever, or where your career defines "what you do," or where an ultimate life goal is a thing far of in the future that you must strive for as opposed to the thing your strive for everyday. I know I am not the only one....but it's not common. Even among the people who think they live this way! Otherwise I wouldn't be asked all the time, what I do. Or questioned on how I can live my life the way I do.

Some say that perhaps my interest in such a wide range of subjects has to do with fear: of failing, of falling into stability, of choosing. Well, considering I don't ever fail (as I see my shortcomings as doors or steps to my next journey), and that I wouldn't mind getting a steady paycheck or finding the love of my life now, and that I do choose one path often and then feel as if though I am negating other parts of myself in the process...those things they say...well...pft. And as my taurean stubborness describes, I will be stubborn enough to knock down any other explanation of why I am the way I am, because I have spent the longest time with myself and would know.

It's different, and difficult, and unstable, and it's a way of life I want to uphold: who knows if it will work. That's why I am revamping this blog....to document my journal of this wierd, er uh, atypical life I lead, to figure out if it works or not, or what in the world my ultimate life goal is if it is really there to uncover. Not to put down any other person's way of life or decisions....but to figure out if the A-typical life is possible in such a traditional world.

I will keep a count of when I am asked one of those two questions I despise:

Today
Ultimate Goal:Asked once by noon.

I am being forced to not work out.

It's no wonder Joseph Campbell taught here for 47 years: Sarah Lawrence College is a beautiful campus, lush with trees and grass and old buildings. I am surrounded by writers-playwrights, novelists, poets- and people who aspire to be. I am surrounded by the environment that inspired Joseph Campbell to write and believe "Follow Your Bliss."

I am remembering these days how it feels to want to achieve something great, by means of doing what I love to do and not by how much I produce. As you know from recent blogs, this is something that has been on my mind lately. Being far away, here, in the trees, writing, away from Production and Superficial Wealth, I am feeling comfortable again desiring the life of an artist.

Aside from the fact that I believe I found mites in my bed last night and slept wit a towel wrapped around my head sitting up, things are good. Life is good. Not much more than that lately.

Disclaimer.

Now that more and more people will be reading my blog, due to my mass email and the link on my website, I want to give a disclaimer, though I hate doingthis for my writing, but for my protection....

My blog is not my diary.

I don't write a lost of whats really going on inside my head, or the real relationships in my life, or what I really write in my little brown suede notebook. I write what I know can be public. That said...

Not All of It is True

I exaggerate a whole lot in my blog. And fictionalize a bit too if I need to make a point or am telling a story. Sometimes it's all true, like when I wrote about Chase who died. Or when I write about feeling frustrated or lost. Even then.....

It's a Writing Tool

So the way I tell a story or write something is for a reason, whether sarcastic, or honest, or simple, or casual, or more formal...I use this as a writing tool. I even edit some of my entries to apply to some minor writing jobs.

I Fully Accept It's all About Me

I complain, I judge, I tease, I insult, I discuss, I proclaim without evidence. And I think that is ok in my blog because it is MY BLOG and you are reading MY BLOG. And I accept that any nuerosis or unreasonable statments are about me and my issues. I know that when I write them. I am not writing an opinions column in the NYtimes or reports.


I hope you can still enjoy my blog. It's start to take a different shape than what it used to be. I write less and less about what I am doing and write more about my observations. I won't feel offended if you stop reading, or if you don't like what i say or disagree. I am puttin git out on the web. I know that will happen.

Crazy Robertson

If you know me, you know I absolutely love foreigners. I do. I just made a new friend from England. She's a wonderful girl who has a boyfriend from Malaysia, who's father is THE Malaysian pop star. I love meeting new women. I tend to have enough "friends-who-are-boys" so when I find an interesting, intelligent, woman in LA I make sure to keep her around.

We'll call her Helena, after Shakespeare's play. Helena and I agreed over tea that we dislike this American mentality of becoming your career, of being validated by what you "do" or how you make your money. It's especially evident how this mentality fuels the workaholic habits of this country here in Los Angeles, where the first question someone asks when they meet someone new is "what do you do?"

I usually answer: I am an artist. I am a renaissance woman. I am an actor. I am a citizen of the world.

This never fares well and I get asked "But what do you do for money?"

As if it's any of their business. I am who I am, and how I get by, well who cares. I manage. The point is I live my life as an artist, a lover of nature, a person. Right?

Or is it more important what I produce and how much it's worth by the amount I am paid.

Both Helena's father and my father taught us to live life doing what we love, knowing that is success, and that is how I live, but it this country I constantly come face to face with people telling me otherwise. It reminded me of living in Spain, where the butcher was as important as the banker because they contributed to the community. Reminded me how the quality of one's life was more important than how much one makes. How if someone wanted to work in manual labor because they liked to get their hands dirty, they did.

Granted, there are so many opportunities this country offers that aren't available elsewhere, but perhaps that's why I plan to move back to Europe once I've siezed those. Perhaps I'll move to a Vineyard and write.

However much money I make or dont, I want to end up like "Crazy Robertson." Well somewhat. Everytime I drived down Robertson Blvd in Beverly Hills I see the same old guy in the same spot....dancing. This man, who looks homeless, wears spandex, no shirt, a fanny pack, sneakers, and a headband. Nearby he is play a boombox. Everyday he stands on the sidewalk dancing to his own music regardless of the playing beat and sometimes I get the urge to join him.

Tonight I mentioned the guy to Helena's boyfriend. Turns out everyone knows about this crazy guy on Robertson. Apparently he's a millionaire. What do you do when you have so much money and don't know what to do? Buy dead shark art like Saatchi? Drink and Drive and go to Jail like Paris? Nah, I want to dance like Crazy Robertson.

Magic Realism.

I was recently told a story about a playwright who was interviewed on the subject of Magic Realism, a literary genre made famous by Nobel prize winning author Gabriel Garcia Marquez. She was asked "What is Magic Realism?" My paraphrase of her response is," There is no such thing as Magic Realism. It is just how our culture is, and that term is just how the western world understands it. IN Latin American culture we are daily affected by the spiritual, the magical, our past, our future, nature."

I ask myself, where did the magic in my world go? In the file at the back of my brain that is labeled "Obselete, Due to Science Course in College."?? And if so, why not pull it out to use it in special cases? More intriguing, why lose the Magic just because I know it's not...or do I?

My grandmother is a magical woman. She certainly believes she is. She's the one who told me of the instances where she's had premonitions of things happening and they do. She's the woman who sticks the pointy part of a key into my cuticle when I tell her I have nausea and then the nausea is gone. She's the woman who told me the following story:

Long, Long ago in San Pedro, Garza Garcia, Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, Mexico...the ranch where she was raised...My little Grandmother, Petrita, and her friend would play in the desert, near the mountains. History told that chests of gold were buried all over San Pedro during past wars, and though most hadt been evinced, not all. Every once in a while another treasure would be discovered (I even heard of these stories as a girl when I visited San Pedro). One afternoon, while playing in the desert, Petrita and her friend met another young girl who they played with. That afternoon, this mysterious new girl told them exactly where in the yard a treasure was buried. Days later the girl returned, urging them to dig for the treasure. Petrita's little friend ran home to tell her father about the treasure chest and the little girl, but the parents concluded the girl was a figment of their imagination (keep in mind studies show that though people can have visions or hallucinations, the same hallucination cannot be had by two people.). Out of curiousity her father went to the supposed treasure spot and began digging. Lo and behold! A Chest!! Now, word of mouth had it that the first person to open a treasure chest would die; word of mouth science actually says that the gases released from a buried chest of pure gold were toxic when first uncovered (if someone wants to research this and get back to me.....). Sure enough, the chest had gold, the father became sick, deathly ill, as did Petrita's friend who fell sick out of fear from seeing a ghost. The father lived, the little girl died, and my grandma was sans friend. Now, there's a family in San Pedro that is very wealthy and powerful and has produced many a mayor (remember this town was named wealthiest city in Latin American not long ago.). My grandmother told me that that same rich family is the one who became wealthy after the discovery of the gold. Now how about that! And she told me this story as matter-of-factly as she told me how to make chiles rellenos.

Now I attribute all this magic business to the mix of natives religious beliefs of the original inhabitors of Mexico with the Catholic mysticism the Spaniards brought over. But I do find that those indigenous, earth cultures from long ago had a certain connection to life and spirit that we have somehow lost. I mean, check out the Mayan calendar, so incredibly accurate, science-wise too, but how? How did they do that? Was that magic for them, what we now consider science, even though we have no understanding of how they did it?

From my readings I have discovered that although most believe science has discredited any supernatural happenings, much is still unknown about the brain, about how we use intuition, and a certain sense which people connected to more pre-enlightenment.

Point is...I am staying at my friend Ellie's till I find an apartment. I know for a fact that there was a roll of papertowels next to the sink that I used two days in a row. Yesterday I checked, and it is gone. SO I looked around. Perhaps I dropped it to the floor, perhaps I placed it in a cupboard or the fridge mistakenly, perhaps I was sleepwalking and threw it away or brought it upstairs. Nope. The papertowels are no where to be found....and I have locked all the doors and checked them more than I check my own, and I have checked for anything else out of the ordinary but nothing.....My guess....I can make things dissappear. Or maybe it skipped back into the second dimmension, so I can't see it because it's flat and since it's not in the fourth dimmension, it doesn't move through time so it does not exist. Woah.

This one's for the girls.

At first I didn't want to believe what my friend Elena was telling me about men, but I am now convinced that even though I don't want to believe it, even though I don't consider myself a "game player" in relationships, even though most men aren't aware of this particular game they play, it's just plain true.

When I first started my little affair with a certain "source of drama" she was there with a similar story to guide me. Now for those of you who know me, I am not easily guided and I do not just take anyone's advice. But I opened myself up to her words of wisdom since she has ten years experience on me, and she'd tell me "Girl, I tell you these things so you don't make the mistakes I made. I am __(ten yrs older than me) and I have learned."

It's as simple as this....and girls you'll probably say, duh, we know that:

As soon as you make yourself available to a guy, or if you go after him, he won't be after you.

I hated hearing this. I said...no I don't play those games, and I know that the guys who want me know that about me and aren't the game playing kind of guys either. And frankly I don't want a guy who won't let me go for him and be the same back.

Oh early twenties Claudia. I mean maybe things will eb different when I am older. Who knows, but I have dated guys from 22-early forties and I am realizing now that I can look back at those relationships or situations, it's been the same at a every age. And this simple truth comes in every shape form and style. There are the guys that straight up want the chase, and admit it. There are the guys who throw themselves passionately at a girl, but when she reciprocates he pulls away for some strange reason. There are the relationships that seem normal and not to abide by this truth but the real reason its that way is because the girl is has an inkling of a doubt about it all and subconsciously the guy senses this and stays. There are the times when we girls make the mistake of sending that email or the text to him because we want to and we dont want to play games or we think he;ll like it, and though he does...somehow he doesn't respond the way we expect or as soon. I have tested this one...I have found that when I don't reply or call back or email/text at all, the guy comes running after me or seeks me out like he hadnt before, and when I do put myself out there...it metaphysically pushes him away or takes him longer to long for me.

Now this doesn't mean that now I am a game player when pursuing relationships or just dating. But it has reminded me of another truth that is even more significant:

Ladies, we need to have so much respect for ourselves, our bodies, and recognize our worth so much that we have no need to be running after men. Because we are too wonderful to not be desired. We deserved to be wanted, and loved, but we need to do that for ourselves first. Because it's when we believe these things about ourselves that others will treat us as such.

Affirmation: I have much to offer. I am worthy of admiration. I am worth a man/woman wanting to be with me. I am worth putting myself first.

The rest of the world has an inside joke that LA doesn't get....the rest of the world really isn't like that.

Have you seen TVset? the movie. If not, it's okay, you may not get it. If you do, and it's not funny, don't be surprised...it's just a huge inside joke. If you see it and it's funny, good for you, you may now join the minority elite that monopolizes the entertainment world....except you're on the lowest tier of membership since you don't live in LA.

The industry lives in an La La Land bubble, that now, after having moved here, leaves the rest of the world it. Because it doesn't regard the rest of the world, for the most part, it creates work about itself, and if you dont live here or aren't a part of the business, you have no idea what is going on.

I am sitting here now watching The Starter Wife....the new USA series, and it's set in LA. One day some writer guy who hadn't been outside this world long enough to know another life said,"hey I have a great idea, let's create a show about our world, about the business." Entourage is born. Then comes the shows about the fashion industry, or shows, like the Starter Wife, about people in the industry, so ofcourse I get the characters on a deeper level, but if only you knew the world they're portaying...might be awhole new experience. How about the shows that are set in LA....hmmm that's almost all of them, check next time. Chances are half the references they make go right over your head, and after living here and being more aware of them I now know how significant those details often are.

For some reason I was itching to get back to this world after my two month absence to the hippie NoCal. I wanted to get back to work, throw myself into the business again. I felt like I was losing touch with that LA world, and I can't. I mean it's part of my career to keep up. But being gone for two months, and then seeing TVset reminded me of something...I like to create art about life, tell stories about people.....not just create art about the industry or about LA. And to do that I have to get away right?

I should've realized that when months ago my friend Erik invited me and Ellie and Adam to a night of imrovisational shooting. We got in a office with a pro camera and started shooting some mocumentary style stuff about two couples in a police office. Well it wasn't working, so we decided to create a mocumentary about actors creating a movie. WOW! How creative! How did we ever come up with that! Did we really know of nothing else. Sadly, those takes were hilarious, because we knwo how to be actors.....but so many people out here, I have found, in my measly less than a yr of living out here, have lost touch with the world.

I guess I should've listened to my numerology prediction that this year for me, being that I am in the last yr of my 9 year life cycle, this year would be one of no beginnings or career advances, but one of solidfying relationships, with much focus on my social life, making connections that will lead to later beginnings and career advances. Well it seems as such so far. This year, thus far, has been about life. I mean look what happened: My sister is making me an aunt, My friend Chase died. A love affair with guy from a band. My great grandmother died. I opened a play. I met a good friend in that play. My sister got married. My cousin got married. My boy Steve's getting married. My friend Ellie's getting married. What a year.

Affirmation: Everyday step I take and decision I make is a wise decision in the life of my career and work.

Much Needed Update

So I did have an entry I wanted to write but I figured I should catch everyone up on life things before I just go and and write an entry as if there havent been two months of missing entries.

So.....
These past months I

-opened and closed Bodas de Sangre at Teatro Vision in San Jose, which got great reviews
-moved out of my apartment and am in the process of looking for another.
-celebrated my sister's wedding, and my cousin Areli's
-took two great trips to the wine valley upstate
-applied and got accepted to Sarah Lawrence College's Playwright Intensive this summer.
-Started liking Indian food
-Bought a thumb drumb.
-Sang Selena at my cousin Areli's Wedding
-Started honing in on my healing skills

More to come, now that I am back and can start writing again.

A Few Things I Read This Week That Stir Me.

Mexico is the US's second biggest trading partner (Canada is first) and one of the US's major suppliers of oil.

So if Mexican/Latin American Immigration is such a problem, which it isn't because most of the immigrants in this country are non latinos who have overstayed visas, then why don't we help them economically. Imean we're already doing lots of business with them, so why is it so hard for them to find a job, so hard that they'd risk their lives crossing a deadly river and already existing fences(why are they spending more to build a new one?) to find work over here. President Calderon urged Bush to use that money to help them out. I mean for real. The women in Juarez, who are being murdered, most of the time work in American factories and there is much evidence to show that factory management has much to do with the murders....so isn't it partly the American's factories responsibility?

ALSO....

Nearly 3/4 of water used in the US is used in the bathroom.

Geeze! And most people dont' realize that water is a resource causing much conflict in conflicted countries, ie Israel/Palestine. 20% (About) of the world's population does not have access to usable water at all, and for others its hard to get as it is. I know I can cut down my showers, or find a way to resuse the water (one suggestion is to place a bucket in the shower and use wasted water for gardening or other minor washing.) And my friend wonders why I snapped at him for leaving the water running before he shaves, goes to get his laundry, and then preps for his shave, ending the actual shave five minutes and lots of wasted water later.

The conflicts in the world are a reality we ALL live in, not just "them over there."

Take a Break if you haven't

My friend Elena, who has become such a good friend to me in LA, told me that this year would not necessarily be a big year for career advancements but instead a year full of making cultivating and solidifying relationships that might otherwise later bring help in my career or simply enrich my life.

Already with the events in February that brought me close to family and friends,and my trip out to San Jose, that has been true. I haven't written much out here, my claudiavazquez.com sight still says I love milk, because nick hobart put it there and i haven't put up anything else, i haven't opened my french text since I left LA, and and I haven't planned out some of the other projects I'd started up. Tis okay though. I made a new friend out here, Hugo, that I am happy to be spending time with instead of reading, and my time in nature, exploring, and resting is giving me time to re-evaluate goals, purpose, and to even imagine the rest of my screenplay cause i was a bit stuck. I am considering becoming a mask maker, j/k. but i have been helping hugo with the masks that are being made for our show. he trained with santori in italy, the mask maker who is connected with LeCoq, the great mask and physical thater guru who taught my teacher in London.

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Great Escape.

I always tell people I have the heart of a gypsy. I told that to my friend Andrew once and he told me he is sure my blood is of better class than that, but I don't mean gypsy in the steal your stuff, beg for money, throwing babies, kinda way. I meant it in the way that the world is my community and I can't help but move around in it.

Perhaps that's why I love that my job takes me all over the place, or that travel is always in my plans, often inevitably. San Jose isn't my ideal city....it's very residential, spread out, small, and the only organic food store i thirty minutes away, while there are about ten taco stands and mexican restaurants within blocks of my place, but I am loving the change in pace. The growing accustom to a new city. The understanding of the way of life of a new community ( was it really a surprise that there's only one gym in the whole city to work out in, guess I was a little used to LA).

What I am really loving is the break from feeling I always have to be DOING something. I mean, I can't audition here. I don't have to always look great or be on my networking game or be faced with the billboards of the girls taking my roles. I can just live. And that's okay, because everyone here is just living, and people here actually think it's honorable that I am a stage actor.

It's what I loved living in Toledo Spain, the town I miss more now that this Spanish play I'm working on keeps reminding me of it. Life was simple. I like existing in a space like this at least once a year....to remind myself how it feels so that I can perpetuate the feeling, the simple and grounded way of life, even in my big city.

Good thing about LA is that it's got great hikes, I'd been going a lot more lately to get away, meditate, pray. But the smog made it heard ot breathe. And though I felt like I was escaping, trendy girl hikers with theior mini dogs never failed to remind me that LA has suceeded in making nature a trendy spot.

I haven't hiked here in San Jose yet, but it is a great escape, spending four hours in a rehearsal room, rolling on the floor, breathing, dancing, speaking, acting, playing, and getting paid for it.

High Spirits.

Remember the necklace I bought last October? I lost it - somewhere in California on my drive to San Jose. I suppose it means it's time for a new symbol. This month has moved me to a different way of living and existence so I'm not surprised. I feel as if I am living on another level. In Judaism, its believed we're in a constant creation relationship with God. I really believe thats the plane I'm on. One where I have come to an understanding... and I'm inlove with this experience. So it makes sense that my little compass symbol is obselete now. And how fitting that I lost it in California.

Lately I've been allowing (er um encouraging) myself to accept again that it is completely possible for me to fulfill my desires as an artist and still run for office someday, or be involved politically somehow. So it's no wonder Dara and me were inspired to start something that will help to inform us more politically, as well as others. (more on this later!)

It is also no wonder that at the last minute, my accomodations were changed here in San Jose by the theater so that now I am living with the woman who was once vice mayor and is now some sort of city supervisor. I can't wait to pick her brain. Her son in law works with the theater I am here with, and she is a great supporter of the arts and latinas who want to run for office.

There are many people who already believe they are in control of their lives, but this experience of being in creation with something bigger than myself (I call it/he/she God, you may call it Infinite Mind, HIgher Power, you choose) - that's a special relationship that has elevated my goals and purpose and has been providing wondrous results.

Mainly it has opened my spirit to being connected to everythign around me, which makes life seem more ethereal than it's surface and empirical value. As I wrote once before, we are all vibrating strings emitting spirit music, and as we meet with each other and objects, we create shifts in the vibrations, individual songs when we affect each other. Can you imagine the music we'll make when we take the reins of the instrument inspired (literally breathed by, not manipulated) by the Big Mind!!

Life comprised by wonderful little moments.

Tonight on the way back from the gym a beautiful fluffy gray cat followed me home for about four blocks. It just kept following me, sometimes walking with me side by side, until one time when I was almost home I looked back and it had disappeared.

Hmm. Interesting. The cat follows me home and then I turn on the tv and al gore's giving his presentation..hmmm.coincidence.

Topher and me had a dance party in my living room on friday morning, and then friday night I went to his place where his roomates have a hardcore karaoke set up and he and I just took off singing the entire broadway Karaoke cds, with costumes dancing an all, pics to come soon.

Thursday night I went to see the Band the Mighty Regis Philbin at Molly Mollone's and there was this guy dancing like a crazy person, and watching him filled me so much joy at the sight of someone enjoying freedom of movement so much with no inhibition, it was wonderful to see him contrasted by everyone else settling for composure.

Friday afternoon me and Gloria just hung out at my place.

Saturday I had a date.....it was nice. :-)

Mario and me had icecream last week.

Nick helped me with my website on , well some night this past week. He makes me smile. He's so joyful and pleasant.

I miss my parents a whole lot though. i wish I could be with them at least once a week.

LIfe after death.

It feels like months since I first heard about Chase, and a whiel ago since my great grandmother passed and I went home ot be with my family, but I just got back in last night.

I am good now. No really great. Both those wonderful people taught me so much, and I am in a different place now, full of joy and gratitude, and I only wish the same for you.

Here are some shots of these past crazy weeks.
Andrew and I took a hike with a friend shortly after Chase's death. Runyon Canyon. I love big cities that have places of nature I can get lost in. Here's the view from the top.
Me and Sammantha at the Disney Soda Shop in Hollywood. After Chase's benefit show we went and had the huuug Mickey sunday, in his honor. We didnt finish it, but it was delicious.

Here it is.

Me and Llindsey at Gma's funeral.


The Vazquez Ladies.


Me and Baby Leah.

Me and Papi.


My best friend amanda and me at PF Chang's. Brian's taking the pic. I love this lady.


On the way to target in texas on Friday I saw this procession and realized it was the first day of the Houston Rodeo! The biggest one in the world!

Now, as if Chase wasn't enough...

I have just been informed that my great grandmother , Lita Mague, died tonight. She was verrrry old, and it was expected, but the lady lasted forever, until now. I love dher, and the look she'd get on her face when she saw me, so excited, and how she always asked abotu me, even tho it was when is claudia gettin gmarried...I loved that she knew me, and i love that I called her last sunday, righ tbefore i found out about chase actually.

Claudia